Matthew Kelly
Matthew Kelly was on a ship with 100 boy scouts and 100 girl guides when it hit an iceberg and started to sink. The captain announced "We're sinking! Everyone abandon ship!" Matthew Kelly asked, "What about the children?" The captain replied, "fcuk the children!" Matthew Kelly looked around eagerly and said "Do we have time?"
What's the difference between greyhound racing and Matthew Kelly?
The greyhounds wait for the hare.
What is the worst thing about being Matthew Kelly?
You have to go to bed before 7.00
How do you know when it is bedtime at the Kelly residence?
When the big hand touches the small hand
Have you heard about Matthew Kelly's New Book?
It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing
A young boy and Matthew Kelly are out at night, walking towards the forest.
The boy says, "It's dark! I don't like it! I'm scared!"
Matthew Kelly says, "You're scared! I've got to walk back out of here on my own!"
Matthew Kelly is sitting in his living room surfing the internet on his laptop. All of a sudden, the door of the apartment whips open and his wife storms through. She screams, "You fcuking @sshole!" and she heads into the bedroom. Stunned, Matthew flips off the computer and walks toward the bedroom, wondering, "Now what have I done?" Inside the bedroom he finds the missus furiously packing a suitcase. He asks her what's up. She responds with a hiss, "My therapist says that I should leave you, and that you're a ped0phile!"
Matthew responds, "Wow, you're pretty smart for an 8 year old."
Have you heard? Matthew Kelly has pulled out of Children In Need...
What's the difference between Matthew Kelly and acne?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're thirteen.
Matthew Kelly is off to Florida on holiday this year
He's going to Tampa with the kids.
What was Matthew Kellys defence in court.
He was only kidding.
Matthew Kelly and his wife are in Blockbuster to hire a video for the evening. Mr. Kelly's missus asks him what he wants to watch. He says "How
about we get Aladdin ?". His girlfriend says........ "Can't we just get a video, you're in enough trouble already."
Apparently Matthew Kelly thought Boyz II Men was a delivery service.
The similarity between Matthew Kelly, Gary Glitter and whisky?
They both come in small tots.
What do you do if Matthew Kelly is drowning?
Throw him a buoy!
Why was Matthew Kelly spotted at Marks & Sparks?
He heard boys pants were half-off!
What did the lady say to Matthew Kelly at the beach?
"Excuse me, you're in my son"
Matthew Kellys Lawyer is talking to him in the cells at the Old Bailey just
after he has been found guilty on 26 charges of ped0philia.
"Alright. You got 4 months but look on the bright side. You'll be out in time for half term"
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