Helpful Hints...

**ibobsy** · 8th April 2003

Helpful Hint #1
If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a jug of
boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage is almost
instantly removed.

Helpful Hint #2
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away!

Helpful Hint #3
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip
a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Helpful Hint #4
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

Helpful Hint #5
An empty aluminum cigar tub filled with angry wasps makes a wonderful
inexpensive vibrator.

Helpful Hint #6
Avoid arguments with the misses about lifting the toilet seat by simply
pissing in the sink. Then run the hot water, take the washcloth and swab
the sink then wring the washcloth out and hang it one the side of the
sink!

Helpful Hint #7
High blood pressure sufferers simply cut yourself and bleed for awhile,
thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Helpful Hint #8
A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep.

Helpful Hint #9
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will
be afraid to cough.

**ibobsy** · 8th April 2003

1. You decide that the relationship with your partner is over. How do you
break the news you are leaving?

a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip quietly away

b) Calmly discuss the reasons with your partner for your decision

c) Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering pumped-up
inbreds on national television.

2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park.

What do you need to take?

a) A ball

b) A ball and 2 coats

c) A ball, 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders, a
marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team of
orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries.

3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a
rabbit. What do you do?

a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is still
alive

b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it died
quickly

c) Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering, whooping
and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.

4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward
position. What do you do?

a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses

b) Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things.

c) Take yourself to a pr0stitute-addicted TV evangelist faith healer in an
ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on your head, whilst screaming about
the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbreds.

5. What do you have for breakfast?

a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea

b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee

c) A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny
side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corndogs and a
diet root beer.

6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort
of ceremony do you have?

a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office

b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel

c) A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in Las Vegas,
presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.

7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming
disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?

a) Don't worry. It's just a phase and will pass.

b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or join a
youth club.

c) Take him to an armoury and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons
and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town.

8. You fancy a night in watching something funny on TV. What kind of comedy
do you choose?

a) A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted

b) A sketch show like the Two Ronnies or the Fast show

c) A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the
audience whoop for ten minutes every time an overpaid actor with a super
glued grin on his face makes an entrance to deliver a lightweight wisecrack.

9. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife's dressing
table. What do you do?

a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt

b) Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn't happen again

c) Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation, and sue your
wife's ars*.

10. You are responsible for the USA's presidential electoral process.

Do you:

a) Count all votes and declare a winner

b) Count all votes and declare a winner

c) Let the press declare who's won before the votes are counted; then count
only the votes which have been handed in by a deadline whilst not checking
if Bud, the hillbilly sheriff of nowheres-ville, has left several thousand
votes in the trunk of his Chevy 'by mistake', then force a recount of only
some of the votes within just one state and allow only 12 seconds for the
recount to take place; then be amazed that the recount hasn't finished by
the deadline and increase the deadline by another 3.2 seconds; then ignore
all votes and let 4

Judges decide the result, making sure the judges all support the same
candidate; then ponce around the world telling other countries how to run
their own elections.

Answers...

If you answered: mostly (a)'s & (b)'s then you are a normal well-balanced
individual and probably don't live in America.

Mostly (c)'s then do the world a favour and shoot yourself with the
anti-tank weapon you carry in the glove-box of your pick-up truck.