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Thread: Top Tips!

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    DF VIP Member FireBlade's Avatar
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    Default Top Tips!

    Ok not seen any of these for while so here we go!

    Post any good top tips you might want to share.

    DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune
    and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song
    you like and hum that instead.

    CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a
    p*ss before the film starts.


    RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
    actually speaking clearly in the first place.


    DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
    identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with
    your old bank statements.


    WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red
    wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove
    the stains.


    SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
    tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.


    MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to
    yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.


    BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking
    out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs
    on you.


    EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs
    into the bin.


    MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the
    volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your
    wife from having to do it.


    GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by
    Royal Mail.


    BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very
    small horse is approaching.


    BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not
    wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.


    ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.



    DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn
    and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send
    them on their way.


    PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
    everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
    morning, simply move it all back again.


    CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
    valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.


    DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply
    shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.


    MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
    Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you
    are listening to the sea.


    JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your
    bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.


    SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.


    SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside
    Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally
    glancing inside.


    BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg
    into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph.
    After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.


    ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub,
    where a large selection is available at retail prices.


    McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in
    with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

  2. #2
    DF VIP Member FireBlade's Avatar
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    Default Re: Top Tips!

    found some more good uns

    * If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

    * Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

    * Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

    * Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it before jumping in.

    * Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 Kon-Tiki holiday? Simply get drunk, lie in a sand pit in your garden and s*** every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

    * Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

    * Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

    * Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

    * A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an Ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

    * Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

    * Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

    * Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

    * Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

    * Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

    * A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

  3. #3
    DF VIP Member Shambles's Avatar
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    Default Re: Top Tips!

    Quote Originally Posted by FireBlade
    Ok not seen any of these for while so here we go!
    LOL it was only a few days ago

    http://www.digital-forums.com/showthread.php?t=238330


  4. #4
    DF VIP Member FireBlade's Avatar
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    Default Re: Top Tips!

    grr bollox they are not lifes little tips but top tips very diffrent so my topic is more right! ;-)

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