I have put this number on facebook to recieve jokes and random texts on... heres a few of the jokes recieved...
"I bought some steroids, but they have some bad side effects. I've grown an extra penis"
"Anabolic?"
"No, just a penis"
Michael Jackson has just announced his UK tour dates. They are Joe age 5, Bob age 4, Dave age 5, Colin age 6 and Andy age 4.
This bloke is flying his hot air balloon over southern Ireland and he is completely lost. He looks down and sees a bloke fishing on a lake, so he shouts down, "hello, could you please tell me where I am?"
And Paddy shouts up, "you can't fool me, mister, you're in that fuckin' basket."
Great news! I have finally found a pr0stitute who charges by the inch. Obviously i can't afford her, but i thought it might be a cheap night out for you!
Ferrari's F1 team manager decided 2 employ some Scouse teenagers as their new pit crew.This was because of their renowned skill when removing car wheels quickly.At the 1st practice session,not only did they change all 4 wheels in 6 seconds but,within 12 seconds,they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the fucker 2 the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some pictures of Hamilton's bird gettin shagged up the arse.
Paddy n Mick at morgue to identify Shamus's body thats been badly burnt. Paddy goes first turns the body over looks at his bum & says thats not him. Mick goes next, turns the body over looks at the bum & says you're right Paddy. Doc says how do you know its not him? Mick says cause when we all used to go out, folk would say here comes Shamus with the two arseholes!
2 gays in car on M1,a lorry shunts them from the back.The gay passenger furiously gets out of the car,goes straight 2 the truckers door flings it open hands on hips,& shouts at the trucker"I'm gonna sue ur ass."The trucker replies"Suck my dick."Gay rushes back 2 the car & says 2 his friend."I've settled out of court."
Grandaughter comes in with see thru blouse on. ' you cant go out like that' says Gran. 'Its the fashion to show ur rosebuds' says girl. She comes in later to find gran sitting topless.'What r u doing?says girl. Gran replys 'If u can show ur rosebuds I can show my hanging baskets!
A poem for those affected by the credit crunch, There was a young man called dave, who dug up a pr0stitutes grave. She was mouldy and shitty, with only one titty. But look at the money he saved
New sex drug on the market. It's called viazac. Half viagra, half prozac.Its fantastic- if you don't get a fuck, you don't give a fuck.
Women are like parking spaces. Sometimes, all the good ones are taken, so when no fucker's looking, you have to stick it into a handicapped one.
Irish girl asked doctor for the pill doc says ur already 6 months pregnant irish girl says i know but Paddy has found another hole and i don't want a hump on my back!!
I'm about 3 years into my relationship now and started having erection difficulties. My girlfriend and i have different ideas what the problem is: she bought me some viagra; i.ve bought the fat cunt a treadmill.
A 93 year old man's sat on the curb cryingPasserby asks "whats up?"The old man moans "I'm 93,married to a 21 year old who wants sex twice before breakfast and lunch, once before tea and twice again at night!"Passerby says "whats the problem?"The old man replies "I can't fucking remember where I live!"ast and lunch, once before tea and twice again at night!"Passerby says "whats the problem?"The old man replies "I can't fucking remember where I live!"
Two cowboys are talking about sex.one says:i like the rodeo postion best.i havent heard of that one says the other.what is it get ur girlfriend on all fours and cup her breasts in your hand.whisper in her ear these feel just like your sister's.then try 2 hold on for 8 seconds.
Comic relief is launched 2day. I keep hearing about africans who live in mud huts and hav 2 walk 5hrs each day for water. Is it just me or would u move the fuckin huts closer 2 the water?
Little girl finds her dog dead with its legs in the air and asks her dad why its like that. Dad says its died and is like that so Jesus can pick it up and take it to heaven. Next day she says"dad, mum nearly died today. She was on her back with her legs in the air shouting oh Jesus, i'm coming i'm coming and if the window cleaner hadn't been holding her down we'd have lost her!
Glaswegian pilot and co-pilot : after landing at Glasgow airport forget to turn off the main intercom , co-pilot says to pilot . What you doing later ? Pilot says . First thing im going to do is go for a big shite then am gonnie shag the arse aff that wee stewardess ! Stewardess hears this and runs to the cockpit to confront him . She trips over a wee auld wummins feet who helps her back up n says - '' Take yer time hen , he's gon fur a shite first ! ''
Wife walks in2 bedroom and says, tonight Im gonna make u the happiest man alive, Man replies: Dont fuck about, whos gonna help you pack at this time of night?
Wife walks in2 bedroom and says, tonight Im gonna make u the happiest man alive, Man replies: Dont fuck about, whos gonna help you pack at this time of night?
NEWSFLASH.... Police in Greater Manchester have arrested 11 men from Liverpool in connection with a vicious beating that occured in the City on Saturday between the hours of 12.45 & 2.30! They are appealing to 75,569 witnesses to come forward, though it is believed that only a small portion viewed the entire event. Contact GM. Police on 0141 4-1 4-1 4-1.
Police just left a message on Fergusons answer phone asking whether he is missing his dog. Could they ring the station on 0800 1-0,1-2,1-3,1-4. Apparently he cant keep hold of a lead.
Good news following the shootings in germany.there will be 16 free sun loungers this summer
Life before Computers:
Memory was something you lost with age,
An application was for employment,
A programme was a show on TV,
A cursor was someone who swears a lot,
A keyboard was a piano,
A web was a spiders home,
A virus was the flu,
A hard drive was a long trip down the motorway,
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
And if you had a 3-inch floppy...well you just hoped and prayed no bastard found out.
Bloke on holiday in Amsterdam, goes into a brothel and asks for the fattest, ugliest girl they have, with the saggiest tits and a fanny like a ripped out fireplace. The Madam said,"Are we feeling kinky tonight, sir." He replied,"No, I'm from Manchester and I'm feeling homesick!"
Paddy says 'Doctor I have a sore arse' Doctor bends him over and finds a wad of money up there. 'How much was up there?' asks Paddy. The doc replies '£1900'. 'Sounds about right' replies Paddy. 'I knew i didn't feel too grand'
A big dirty farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"this is the pig i have to shag when you're not up for sex". His wife says: "I think you'll find that's a sheep" He says: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep!"
Harley davidson died and went to heaven and was boasting 2 God how he'd created the best motor bike in the world! God disagreed, saying BMW's were a better designed bike! Harley said "What the fuck do you know about design. You created woman and look at the problems we have with them! "Ahem, " says God "I think you'll find a lot more men are riding my fucking creation than yours!"
The police apologised to Anichebe after stopping him for acting suspiciously in a jewellers. They thought it was unusual to see an Everton player looking at silverware.
After 20 yrs of sex in the dark, a wife finds out her husband always used a dildo on her! She said "Explain the dildo Prick". He said "Explain the kids bitch!
How many men does it take to open a beer? . . . None. It should be opened when she brings it in.
How are fat girls and mopeds alike? . . . They're both fun to ride until your mates find out.
WOT DO U CALL A WOMAN WHO KNOWS WHERE HER HUSBAND IS EVERY NITE ? ..... ' A WIDOW '.... !!
Sex life is like the lottery - same old balls, no chance of a 69 & ends in a fuckin' rollover!
The day I stop being there for you is the day I close my eyes forever. If I don't get this back I understand. send to 7 Real friends :-* x
Paddy asks Murphy 'Why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?' to which Murphy replies 'You thick twat Paddy, if they fell forwards they'd still be on the fucking boat!'
I was just standing in a queue at the Abby Bank and the woman in front was overweight with a huge fat arse when her pager starts to beep! little kid behind her says for fuck sake run 'its reversing '.
Social Networking Bookmarks