The Crank Number 07592925650

[flanflinger]

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual checkup. She said l had to stop wanking. When l asked her why she said "Because I'm trying to examine you!"


Apparently Graham Norton fell down his staircase after hosting the British tv awards ceremony and broke two ribs.

What a bummer.


We are not getting swine flu in the U K as it will offend muslims


the mexican president today assured potential holiday makers: "all the pig flu rumours have been completely blown out of proportion. really there's snout to worry about."


Fears of swine flu growing as hundreds of ugly pigs were spotted at salford manchester last saturday night.


Due to the recent SWINE FLU EPIDEMIC. The United Nations has announced a world wide shut down of all PIGGEREYS. Celtic have requested playing their remaining fixtures at Hampden


A boy went into a public toilet and saw a notice on a board ''Beware of homosexuals'' after doing his business he saw another notice on the mirror ''Beware of homosexuals''. As he left the toilet he saw something written on the skirting board, he bent over to have a look ''You were warned twice!!''


If u think life is bad..How wud u like 2 be an egg?U only get laid once.U only get eaten once. It takes 4 mins 2 get hard. Only 2 mins to get soft.U share ur box with 5 otha guys.An afta 3 mins in the hot tub u get your head smashed in an then u get a good poking by a loada soldiers. But worst of all..the only chick that ever sat on ur face was ur mother! So cheer up,ur lifes not that bad


Teacher to class: "What does your dad do at weekends children"? When it's little Jimmy's turn he says "My Dad's a dancer in a gay bar, and sometimes if the moneys right, he lets punters bang his arse on stage". Teacher is horrified. She takes him outside: "Is that true Jimmy"? "No Miss" says The lad, "he actually plays for Everton.... but I'm too fucking embarrased to tell anyone that"!


Man in hospital panics when he shits the bed. He throws the sheets out the window. They land on a drunk passer by, who fights furiously to get himself free of the foul sheets. Policeman approaches and asks the drunk what he's doing. Drunk replies ' i think i just beat the shit out of a ghost!'


I think i've caught swine flu,I've just come out in a nasty rasher...


I will be honest with ya all these Mexican Swine Flu jokes are starting to Boar me...


This pig flu is bad, i must have had it for a bout a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!!


I had swine flu, but felt loads better once Id had some oinkment.


Pussy shampoo for ladies- its made up of marijuana, anti-perspirant, and kentucky fried chicken... Leaving your fanny high... Dry... And finger licking good!!


Ferrari's F1 team manager decided 2 employ some Scouse teenagers as their new pit crew.This was because of their renowned skill when removing car wheels quickly.At the 1st practice session,not only did they change all 4 wheels in 6 seconds but,within 12 seconds,they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the fucker 2 the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Hamilton's bird gettin nailed !


3 men walk into a bar....
A priest
A Celtic fan
and a paedophile....
And that's just the first bloke...


Bloke out for a walk sees a blonde girl on the cliff edge. You going to jump? Yeah, she says. Before you do, give us a blow job? Ok she says & gives him best BJ he's ever had. I can't believe with talent like that you want to kill yourself!
I know but my parents just can't accept me dressing as a girl!


Man buys wife a car "I dont like it" she says "I want sumfin that goes from 0 to 200 in 3 secs" He comes back with bathroom scales "Stand on that you fat cunt!"


Saw my mate the other day, he's only got one arm.. "Where u off to, I shouted.??" "To change a light bulb," he said.. "Thats going to be awkward isn't it.??" "Not really..." he said, "I've still got the receipt."


I rang the council up today to see if I could have a skip outside my house. The bloke said you can do cartwheels round the fuckin block for all I care!


Plans to make the new tv series, CSI st helens, have been scrapped after producers discovered no one has any dental records and everyone has the same DNA...


Got any bread?
No..
Got any bread?
No we haven't got any bread, ask me again and i'll nail your fuckin beak to the bar, you irritating little bastard...
Got any nails?
No!
Got any bread?

[flanflinger]

This weeks edition...

They said that the day a black man becomes president pig's will fly. And guess what 103 days later swine flew!


Today is F.U.C.K. Day (Friends U Choose to Keep) I Just FUCKED U. So FUCK whoever deserves it & C who FUCKS U back, so forward this to all the FUCKERS U know!

What does ricky hatton and gary glitter have in common?? They both went down when they tried to take a little philipino in the ring!

You have to feel sorry for Ricky Hatton. Last time I saw someone battered that badly around the ring they were found in Michael Barrymore's pool.

Billy was watching TV. Next day Billy comes downstairs & asks, "Dad what's love juice?" His father looks horrified & tells Billy all about sex & why a woman vagina gets wet. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad asks, "So what were you watching?" Billy replies, "Wimbledon!"

Spastics swimmin gala. 50mtrs free style . Lane 1, bloke with no arms Lane 2, bloke with no legs Lane 3, just a head. Gun goes off & they all dive in. Bloke with no legs takes the lead from armless bloke. The head sinks 2 the bottom. Armless bloke pips the legless bloke 2 win the race. They fish the head out & ask what happened. The head spluttered & screamed "6 FUCKIN months 2 learn 2 swim with my ears & some cunt puts a swimmin cap on me!"

Why are girls at parties like parking spaces?.......if u get there late all the good ones r taken, so when no one is looking, you stick it in the disabled one!

Just got a ricky hatton toaster. its shite. Wont even do two rounds.

FAMILY OF pr0stituteS HAVING DINNER. DAUGHTER SAYS "I JUST GOT £50 FOR GIVING A BLOW JOB!" MUM SAYS "IT WAS ONLY £5 IN MY DAY". GRAN SAYS "IN MY DAY WE WERE JUST GLAD OF THE WARM DRINK".

A 7yr & 4yr old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'U no wot" says 7yr old, "I think its time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for brkfast I'll swear 1st then you"."OK" says 4yr old. Mum comes from kitchen & asks 7yr old wot he wants 4 bkfast. "Shit mum I'll hav Cocopops". WHACK! he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out. Mum looked at 4yr old & said sternly "And wot do u want 4 bkfast?"."I dont know" he blubbers "but it wont be fucking Cocopops.

I applied 4 a job in a mental hospital... They said i need 24 hrs of experince with a retard... U wana chill tomorrow? I got crayons.

Altzheimers protest march
"What do we want?"
"fuck knows"
"When do we want it
"Want what"

Sex has gone down hill lately so the wife bought a dildo. She said its shaped just like a carrot. Which is ironic because her fanny looks like a fucking donkey yawning


Doctors say that the best way to avoid Swine Flu is to stop shaking hands.
Michael J Fox must be shitting himself.


After a recent investigation into 9/11 the americans found it wasn't muslim terrorists who attacked the twin towers, it was 2 irish builders fitting a door on the 44th floor. The door wouldn't fit so mick told paddy to fetch a plane + take a bit off the top!


They said a flower couldn't signify love, the Rose managed it. They said a plant couldn't survive without water, the Cactus managed it. They said a Vegetable couldn't read text messages.... Well done! I'm so proud of you my little cabbage !


A lion, a bear and a pig are sitting around discussing how hard they each are. The lion says "when I roar the whole jungle shakes". The bear says "when I roar the whole forest trembles". "So what", says the pig, "all I have to do is sneeze and the whole fucking world shit's itself"!!


scouser in Ireland at side of road eating grass.Car stops and Paddy gets out and says "don't eat that.. come home with me". Scouser says "I have 4 wives and 12 kids,..can they come too?" Paddy says "fuck off, it's only a small lawn!


A gypsy wedding in Ireland ends in a riot, police arrest 20 and they end up in court, best man says to judge "Can i explain wot happened, it's traveller tradition for the best man to have first dance with the bride which i did. I was dancin very close. The groom runs at us and kicked his bride in the fanny!" "Gosh" says the judge, "That musta been sore." "Sore?, he broke 3 of my fuking fingers!"


2 men playing golf. One is about to chip onto the green when he sees a funeral pass the course. He stops mid swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, & bows down in prayer. The friend says "Wow that is the most thoughtful, touching thing Ive ever seen." "Well we were married 35 years" he replies.


Maddies parents have released a picture of what she might look like now, am i the only person that was shocked when it wasn't a skeleton??


Due to the credit crunch and banking crisis, it is predicted that only two banks will survive this year, they are the blood bank and sperm bank. The problem is if they merge it will be run by bloody wankers!


Little boy kills a butterfly. Dad says, thats naughty, no butter for 2weeks! Then he kills a honeybee. Dad says, thats naughty, no honey for 2weeks. Then his mum kills a cockroach. Boy turns 2 dad & says, u going 2 tell her or shall i?


Bored on your way to work? on the bus, tube or train? Pretend your on the fone, and talk about your 4 weeks tour of mexico. Hang up. Then sneeze!


Wife calls hubby iv run out of petrol + im scared 2 fill up because of swine flu. Hubby sez U daft twat, its in mexico not texaco :-)

[flanflinger]

this weeks texts so far

...eating pussy is like driving in the fog,if you dont slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole in front of you.


NEW for 2009 Andrex islamic toilet roll printed with a drawing of the prophet mohammed on every sheet - its great , you get to colour him in!


After it was announced Katie Price and Peter Andre are to seperate Katie said she would miss the family holidays they shared, the tv specials they made, and the companionship. :'( Peter said he would miss the titwanks!!!


Under new E.U. law the word gypo is no longer politically correct. They have to be called "Caravan Utilising Nomadic Travellers" or C.U.N.T.S. For short .


Thort of the day. Who picks up guide dog shit?


Ben asks his new girlfriend 4 a hand job."I've never done that."she sez."Wot do I do?"Well remember when u were a kid & u'd shake a coke bottle & spray yor brother with it- that's wot u do."She nods. So he pulls it out & she grabs hold of it & starts shakin it. A minute later he has tears runnin down his face, snot flowin from his nose & wax flyin from his ears .She sez wots wrong. He cries,"TAKE YA FUCKIN THUMB OFF THE END !"


Little girl finds her dog dead with its legs in the air and asks her dad why its like that. Dad says its died and is like that so Jesus can pick it up and take it 2 heaven. Next day she says "dad! Mum nearly died 2day! She was on her back with her legs in the air shouting, oh jesus! I'm coming! I'm coming! If the milkman hadn't been holdin her down we'd have lost her! Xxx


Just heard the pope was in Jordan yesterday , didn't take her long did it !


Susan boyle on britains gat talent has proved that ugliness can lead 2 success. A fukd up face no lnger hold u bk. Go 4 it m8 the worlds ur oyster


Jordan and Peter Andre have split up. I bet Harvey didn't see that coming.


Hubby n wife out drivin, not talkin after a row. Passing a farm of mules n pigs, wife asks sarcastically, relatives of urs? Husband replies, yup, fuckin inlaws.


A girl takes a dress into Dry Cleaners and asks to have it cleaned. The guy is a bit deaf. He say's, "Come again?" The girl blushes and say's "No, it's yoghurt this time" !


If you get an e-mail from the NHS, asking you that because of swine flu you should avoid tinned pork products, please ignore it, because its spam


Maths teacher asks Essex girl, "what comes after 69?" Essex girl replies, "you wash your face and rinse your mouth... duh"


The 5 Stages of Married Sex:-

1) Smurf Sex - when you first meet & shag til you are blue in the face.

2) Kitchen Sex - when you have been together a short while & will shag anywhere in the house.

3) Bedroom Sex - sex is routine & you will only shag in bed on the occasional night.

4) Hallway Sex - you pass each other in the hallway and both say "fuck you!"

5) Courtroom Sex - she takes you to court & screws you in front of 20 strangers!


I had a german plumber in the other day,. . He accidentally connected the gas supply to the shower . . . I guess old habits die hard!!!


I woke early 1 morning, the earth lay cool & still, When suddenly a tiny bird perched on my window sill, He sang a song so lovely, so carefree & so gay, That slowly all my troubles began 2 slip away, He sang of far off places, of laughter & of fun, It seemed his very chirping brought up the morning sun, I stirred beneath the covers crept slowly out of bed, & gently shut the window & crushed his fucking head...I'm not a morning person !



Madonna has said that she is saddened to hear of Peter Andre and Jordan's marriage break up.She also wants to know if she can have first refusal on Harvey if neither of them wants him.


Prince Charles takes up jogging, each day he jogs past a hooker. She would call out to him '£150' he would call back 'no £5'. This went on for quite some time. One day Camilla decided to jog with him, he was very apprehensive as he knew what the hooker would say. As they jogged past she shouted 'see what you get for £5 you tight bastard'


Irish man goes to a blacksmith's for a job. The blacksmith asks him 'have u any experience shoeing horses?' Irish man says 'no, but i once told a donkey to fuck off.'


Mental hospital karaoke final. 3rd place, Rose West with Under the Boardwalk. 2nd place, Peter Sutcliffe with If I had a Hammer. 1st place Harold Shipman with Needles and Pins

[wadgey]

no update this week? loving most of these.

[littlebilly1]

booooooooo, hisssssss i was looking forward to the up date lol

[flanflinger]

Sorry chaps been busy with new baby here you go x x x x x

Breaking News Susan Boyle suffered a breakdown after being offered the Celtic job, she could'nt handle the thought of finishing second again!

What do you get if you cross the Atlantic in a French Airbus?
Halfway!


> THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
> 1. Innovative
> 2. Preliminary
> 3. Proliferation
> 4. Cinnamon
>
> THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
> 1. Specificity
> 2. Anti-constitutionalistically
> 3. Passive-aggressive disorder
> 4. Transubstantiate
>
> THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
> 1. No thanks, I'm married.
> 2. Nope, no more booze for me!
> 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
> 4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
> 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
> 6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke


(_!_) regular arse

(__!__) fat arse

(!) tight arse

(_*_) sore arse

(_o_) well used arse

(_e=mc2_) smart arse

and my favourite

(_x_) kiss my arse!


Drogba drogba throw us a dive, blueshite nil and chelsea 5, wembley awash with plazzy blue flags, drunken scumbags with fat ugly slags, bouncing around acting hardknocks, take in ur washing, they're after ur socks, the woolies r coming by train and by cars, stay in london shitheads, the citys all ours !!!


New from Andrex, islamic toilet paper, not only is there a print of the prophet Mohammed on every sheet, whenever you wipe your arse, you get to colour him in!!


Ian paisley dies & goes 2 heaven, as he stands in front of the pearly gates he c's a huge wall of clocks. He asks St Peter what they r, he replies, they r lie-clocks, every1 on earth has 1 & everytime u lie the hands move. Paisley asks, whose clock is that? Thats Mother Theresa's clock, the hands have never moved, indicating that she has never lied. The next is the Queens clock, the hands have moved twice, telling us Her Magesty has told only 2 lies in her entire life! Paisley asks him, where is gerry adams clock, he replies, Jesus has it in his office, he uses it as a ceiling fan!!


Train fare from essex to gatwick £100.00. Flight from gatwick to rome £300.00. Black market champions league final tkt £1000.00. Getting fucked in the final and stabbed in the arse by the ultras ..... Fucking priceless!!!


LCD telly £800. Monthly sky HD subscription £55. The look on Ronaldo's face at the final whistle......priceless.


NEWSFLASH . . . . .
Swine flu update . . . . . 50'000 mancs in ITALY pigsick !


The NHS has announced that all sperm banks in Liverpool will be closed on May 30th as all the wankers from the city will be at Wembley!


In the sleepy village of Erbum near the town of Tillet in Hertfordshire, lives a woman called Linda Lykes. She is the land-lady of the local pub, The Cockwell Inn. For some unknown reason, she gets embarrassed whenever she receives her post:

Linda Lykes
The Cockwell Inn
Erbum
Tillet
Herts


Young couple driving down the road start to feel passionate and pull over, park car and have some fun. Things hotting up and then a policeman taps window. 'Don't you know your not allowed sex in public?' he says. Embarrassed at being caught, they apologise. 'Well,' the policeman says, 'I'll still have to write a ticket.' After getting dressed the girl asks her boyfriend what is written on ticket. He reads: Doing 69 in a 35mph zone.'


So, Michael Jackson has skin cancer? (all together now)

....''Don't blame it on the sunshine...''


Following a wirlwind
romance gary glitter is due to marry in gretna, when asked why his new in laws werent invited ? He claimed his bride hadnt spoken to her parents since a nightmare
holiday in portugal 2 years ago


Man wakes wife up and asks "Would you like some coffee darling, or would you prefer sex?" "I'm not fussed " she replied," either way it's going to be fucking instant "


Wee boy watching Father Ted with his dad,
'dad is it true that Ted's dead?'
'aye thats right son'
'will he go to heaven dad?'
'of course he will son, he's not a real priest.'


Whats the difference between my back garden and the premier league?
I've Magpies in my back garden


They said a flower couldn't signify love, the Rose managed it. They said a plant couldn't survive without water, the Cactus managed it. They said a Vegetable couldn't read text messages.... Well done! I'm sooo proud of you my little cabbage !


WOMENS ARSE SIZE STUDY: A new study about women & how they feel about their Arses: 30% think they are to fat, 10% think to skinny, the remaining 60% say they dont care, they love him, he's a good man and they wouldnt trade him for the world!?


What's the difference between Newcastle United and Alan Shearer? Shearer will still be on Match of the Day next season!


Just seen a group on Facebook:" Don't forget Madeline"
Which reminds me , I need to go and feed her...


A friend of mine in the parachute regiment has been stationed in switzerland for the last 2 years. He has recently married a local girl who can wash up with 1 hand, cook with the other, dust with a foot while sucking his dick as she opens a beer with her arse. She's a swiss army wife.


Man pulls wife into bedroom and he rips off her clothes. "Now darling do a handstand against the full length mirror on the wall". "Hmmm," she thinks "KINKY... I like it.". She does the handstand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his chin on her privates.
"The boys down the pub were right," he says, " a goatie would suit me!"


Neil Lennon has come out in defence of the Catholic Church, stating that when he was young he never suffered any sexual abuse. It just goes to show you.......... Even priests have standards.


Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the Clio and Taurus, and calling it the 'CLITAURUS'. It comes in pink, with or without fur on the dash. And the average bloke won't be able to find it, even if the owner tells him where it is!


Paddy says 2 mick, "i'v got somethin stuck in my throat & can't breathe properly." mick says "r u choking?" paddy replies "no i'm fuckin serious."


I just made u open ur phone 4 nothing. It's great being in control. Who's my bitch? Ur my bitch! Now ur smiling like my bitch and after smiling ur going to send it to another bitch who's going to become ur bitch. Now close it and go about ur business until I need u again.


Apparently opinions are like arseholes, I disagree!
They are like testicles
Only men should have them


Police have cordoned off the eastend of Glasgow following a large explosion. A CID spokesman said that a large green and white bubble had burst!!


David Blaine is really pissed off. His record of spending 44 days in the box doing fuck all has been smashed by Dimitar Berbatov.


1st man says "if you woke up in a tent with a sore arse and a condom sticking out of it would you tell anyone?" 2nd man says no, 1st mans says "want to go camping"


Man says to wife ur ass is the size of a 3 burner bbq! Later, in bed man says fancy a shag? Wife says no fuckin point lighting a bbq for half a sausage!


Arab national is interviewed at US Embassy for visa:

Consul: Your name please?
Arab: Abu Zina
Consul: Sex?
Arab: Every day
Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab: Dont matter, sometimes even Camel.
Consul: Holy cow!
Arab: Yes, cows and donkey too.
Consul: Man, isn't that hostile?
Arab: Hosstyle, Dogstyle, any style!.
Consul: Oh dear!
Arab: No deer! Asshole too tight and run too fast!



Whats even better than nailing a Manc to a wall with rusty 9" nails? Realising he's not level and having to do it again.


R u male or female?
To find the answer, look down...













LOOK down, not scroll down...ya Fucking gimp lol. (Send this to all your stupid friends :-))

[wadgey]

brilliant..nice to have another update, another one tomorrow?

[flanflinger]

only do them weekly mate... depends on how many texts I get on me crank number

[wadgey]

only do them weekly mate... depends on how many texts I get on me crank number

Ah, I thought the one you posted on Thursday is a back dated list from last Friday ;-)

[flanflinger]

Jokes Week Ending 070609

Pres. Obama wants to use Susan Boyle in the fight against terrorism. If extremists know what a virgin looks like, they're less likely to blow themselves up

Good news for adventurous tourists who want something different. . . You can now book an Air France tour to see the Titanic!

Dad cooks deer & doesn't tell the kids what it is. He only gives them 1 clue 'its what ur mother calls me'. the boy yells 'don't eat it, its a fuckin knob'

Paddy and murphy in iraq. Murphy stands on a land mine and screams paddy paddy i' ve lost me legs. Paddy looks and says. you lying fucker they re over there

*GOOD NEWS*
Call charges on your network are changing. The uglier you are the cheaper the calls. As from today your calls are FREE. I would have called you to let you know but calls cost me a bloody fortune now!

2 fleas on a fanny. Ones a burglar, ones a junkie. How do u tell em apart? The burglar is hiding in a bush n the junkies sniffin the crack

A bloke is sunbathing with nothing but a hat covering his cock. Two women walk past and one says'if you were a gentleman you would lift your hat to a lady' the bloke replies'if you wernt so fuckin ugly the hat would lift itself!'

Q. How do you make a Harvey Wallbanger?
A. Move the furniture around in Jordans house.

Would you be suicidal if you had a boil on the end of your dick? Only if it was Susan.

Man marries deaf girl-he says"We must work out a code: If I want sex I'll stroke ur left breast- U reply by pulling my penis ONCE for YES, or 150 times for NO.

Husband buys his wife a car for xmas "i dont like it" she says, "i want summat that goes from 0 to 140 in 3 seconds". He comes back with a set of bathroom scales and says "stand on that you fat bitch"!

A friend just paid £300 quid for a penis skin handbag.
"Fucking expensive" I thought until she told me that when you stroke it, it turns into a suitcase!!

Priest and Nun on a camel in the Sahara desert the camel drops dead leaving them doomed realising their fate the priest asks the Nun to expose her tits and she agrees providing he exposes his cock they fondle each other and the priest gets an erection you know if i put this in the right place i can create life said the priest right said the Nun stick it up the camels arse and lets get the fuck out of here!

Polish immigrant goes 2 Specsavers 4 an eyetest. Optician shows him card with letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z. Can u read that? The pole says.. Read it?, I know the cunt!

Whats the difference between a wife and a pr0stitute.............?
One's contract, One's pay-as-you-go.

Scientists have found a cure for homosexuality -
"Lip balm"
You rub it on your arsehole and it keeps the chaps away.

A rasta walks in 2 a bank n handz the cashier a bag ful of marijauna. The cashier says, sir wats this 4? The rasta replies mi cum 2 open a joint account

25 useless things on a man's body.... 20 nails which u cant hammer, 2 tits u cant milk, 1 cock that doesnt crow and 2 balls u cant throw.

3 Paddys went to the Olympics. 1st Paddy had a pitchfork. Man asks "What's tat for?" Paddy said "I'm throwing the javelin. 2nd Paddy had a dustbin lid. Man asks "What's tat for?" Paddy said "I'm throwing the discus." Paddy the Irishman had a wheelbarrow full of condoms. Man asks "What's tat for?" Paddy said "I'm here for the 3 day riding event!!"

2 poofs in court judge says to first "why are you in this court?" 1st poof replies "for fucking a goat my lord" judge frowns and says to the second poof "and why are you before this court?" 2nd poof replies "for acting the goat my lord"

It being said that susan boyle is having an affair with a tellytubbie, apparantly she's fucking lala'

[Omgporn]

This weeks was especially funny, nice one.

[wadgey]

thanks. nice one.

[flanflinger]

should make this a sticky what do you lot reckon?

[flanflinger]

every joke so far from the crank number

http://www.apacheaerials.co.uk/crank.rar

[flanflinger]

Here you go jokes week ending 14/06/09

Real Madrid should have gone to Primark. Apparently big girls blouses only cost £4

A boy turns up at school with his cat in his bag,his teacher is very puzzled and asks him "tommy what is your cat doing at school today?" tommy answers "i heard the postman telling my mum when your kids have gone to school im going to eat your pussy!

On my way to work i saw an everton season ticket nailed to a tree. I thought, im having that. Nails always come in handy.

There was a look-a-like competition in china last week and everybody won.

David Blunkett had a rib broken when a cow charged him. I bet he never seen that coming.

Forward this message to 10 people ...

And you will get



FUCK ALL.
THAT'S RIGHT, FUCK ALL. YOU WON'T GET GOOD LUCK OR A NICE SURPRISE. JUST FUCK ALL..
It's true ...
It works ...
I sent it on & I got FUCK ALL. Don't break the chain!
Its the only one of these fucking things that actualy works!

David Carridine was found hanging with a rope round his balls. He was wearing Fishnets + a blonde wig. Thai Police also removed a man-u shirt in order to save his family any more embarrasment.

You put your transfer in, your transfer out, in out in out u fuck your club about! You do the cristiano and you change your mind, thats what it's all about!!! Ohhhh ronaldo is a wanker. Ohhhh ronaldo is a wanker. Ohhhh ronaldo is a wanker. Knees bent, arm stretch, dive dive dive.

Nick Griffin the BNP leader was furious with protesters throwing eggs yesterday for not seperating the whites first!

IN 2010 the UK Gov will start shipping retards away. My eyes watered when I thought of losing you. Be strong. Wear your helmet and take your crayons!

For sometime many of us have wondered who is Jack Shit? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, you dont know Jack Shit? Well, thanks to my efforts you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Shit is the only son of Awe Shit who married O Shit, the owners of Knee Deep Shit Inc. In turn Jack Shit married Noe Shit. The couple had 6 children: Holie Shit, Giva Shit, Fulla Shit, Bull Shit, and the Twins Deep Shit and Dip Shit. Deep Shit married Dumb Shit, a high school dropout. After 15 years Jack and Noe Shit got divorced and she married Ted Sherlock and became Noe Shit Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Shit married Lota Shit and has a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Shit. Fulla Shit and Giva Shit married the Happens brothers and had a double wedding. The newspaper invited everyone to the Shit-Happens wedding. Bull Shit traveled the world and returned home with an italian bride Pisa Shit

Paddy sez 2 Mickey, Y do U keep an empty bottle of milk in da fridge?
Mick replies,
"ya Daft Cunt,
its incase anybody wants black coffee"

Its Paddys wedding night&his new bride is lying naked spreadeagled on the bed.She says "you know what i want" Paddy says "all the fuckin bed by the look of it".

A man walks into a pub and asks the barman for a pint of anything but Stella. Whats wrong with Stella? says the barman. Well last night I bought 12 pints and when I got home I was fuckin skint, says the man. Well, says the barman, if you bought 12 pints of any beer you'd spend a lot! No, says the man, Skint's my dog.

What do the conservative party and the atlantic ocean have in common? They both gained 200 seats this week!

You put the long hard shaft into your hot waiting mouth, you play with it round your tongue,
in an out, in an out, you feel it building up inside ,
you go faster and faster,
until the white creamy liquid fills your mouth, you spit (not swallow) and its all over ......................................
COLGATE, take care of your teeth. Send to all your dirty minded friends

Today's sexist jokes are:
What is long, hard and fucks a woman?
An IQ test.
What paralyses a woman from the waist down? Marriage.
How do you stop a woman from sucking your cock? Marry the bitch.
And finally, why hasn't a woman walked on the moon?
Because it's never needed cleaning.

man goes to a doctor an says doctor , doctor iv bin rapd by a elephent doctor measures his arse hole an says sir i dnt undastand ur ass hole has bin strectd to a 13 inch diamater but a elephents penis is only 3 inches diamator man says i nw the fuckin twat fingerd me first

[Deadly]

lmfao

[rookie]

mate they are good

[barakuda]

Oh my god. I haven't laughed so much in ages. The "looks like your balls have been ripped off" one had me paralysed with laughter.

[flanflinger]

glad you like em matey... keeps me giggling all week recieving these jokes to be honest

[flanflinger]

week ending 21/06/09 so far

A man has been shot with a starting pistol in belfast.
Police believe it was a race related incident.


It's obvious Ronaldo was going to follow Kaka to Real Madrid. After a Brazilian you always get an iritating cunt.


Man naked, looks at the mirror & sez 2 his wife "Why do I always get a hard on when I look at myself?"
She replies "Hmm..Coz even your c*ck thinks ur a c*nt...'


A couple have gone to bed. The women feels her husband touching her body in a pleasurable manner. He runs his hands across her shoulders, back, across her breasts, moves down her sides, over her stomach then below her waist. By now shes aroused she positions herself a little better when he stops and turns over. 'Why have you stopped love?' she asks. He replies 'i've found the remote!'


What do u call an irish man who steals ur pint? Nick McGunness


Muslim terrorists are now thinking twice about blowing themselves up with the promise of virgins in paradise...... Apparently they got a look at Susan Boyle and were horrified to see what a virgin actually looks like!!


My wife said to me, "If I died tomorrow, when would you start sleeping with other women?"
I said, "Err I wouldn't, you'd still do for a couple of weeks."


My wife is pregnant and our 5 year old son was asking questions over dinner today, he was wondering how the baby got inside his mum.
So I said keeping it real simple "Well daddy's seed fertilised mummy's egg."
My son replied "Did mommy swallow your seed?"
I sighed and gloomily said "not even on my birthday."


Spring is here and our native birds are finding food scarce. Please go to the pet shop and buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends. There is no finer sight on a spring morning than a pair of tits around your nut sack. Just remember though. Its a bit early in the year to expect a swallow!!


Fat bird at a bar says "if you can guess my weight you can shag me". Bloke says "bout 93 stone u fat ugly cunt". She says "thats close enough u lucky bastard".


man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."


A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?" "Not yet," she replied.


In a recent survey in a magazine,woman were asked "Is your cunt still sensitive 10 mins after sex" ? 98% answered "NO He's asleep!"


Man said to his wife i had to show the grey hair on my chest to get my pension today!! Wife said should have shown your cock as well we could have got disability allowance!!!


A friend of mind in the parachute regiment has been stationed in Switzerland for the last 2yrs. He has recently married a local girl who can wash up with 1 hand, cook with the other. Dust with a foot while sucking his cock as she opens a beer with her arse. She's a Swiss Army Wife.


Blind guy walks into a lesbian bar by mistake. He orders a drink and says to the barmaid "Do ya want to hear a joke about blondes?" Silence falls and the woman next to him says "before you say anything, the girl behind the bar is blonde, the girl on the door is blonde and i'm a 6'16stone blonde karate black belt and my friend here is a blonde wrestler. Do you still want to tell your joke?, "Nah" says the guy, "not if i've got to explain it 4 fucking times!"


What does a 9 volt battery and a womans asshole have in common? You know its wrong, but sooner or later you are going to touch it with your tongue ....


God asked Jesus to try lots of drugs to help him sympathise with the modern man. He asked his disciples to each find a drug and bring it to him. Mark brought coca1ne, Matthew brought LSD. Andrew brought weed and Judas, he brought the drug squad.


Sex therapists say the most effective way a woman can arouse a man is to spend ten minutes licking his ears. Personally I think its bollocks !


Which is the odd one out???

A) Washing Machine
B) Dishwasher
C) Microwave
D) Women

C) Microwave, the rest leak when they are fucked!!!!!


I was stood at the bus stop eating a cake and next to me was a old lady with a little yapping yorkshire terrier which kept staring up at me. I said to the old dear, "Do you mind if i throw him a bit?" "not at all" she replied. So i picked the little cunt up and chucked him over the fence...


"I'm baffled by your Orange Penis" the Doctor told his patient.
"Does anyone else in your family have this condition?" The concerned fellow said "no". "Do u handle any chemicals at work?"
"I don't work".
Well what do you do all day?" said the Doctor.
"Watch Porn & eat Wotsits."


Two English tourists driving in Wales.
They stop for lunch in Llanfairpwlgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllantysiliogogogoch.
One of them asks the waitress, "Could you settle an argument? Can you pronounce where we are, very, very slowly?"

The girl leans over and says
"Burrr-gurrr-king