The Crank Number 07592925650

[muttleymacclad]

top one flanflinger.
mml

[flanflinger]

HIS FIRST TIME!!......
The sky was dark
the moon was high
all alone jst her & i
Her Hair so soft
her eyes so blue
i knew jst wat she wanted 2 do
Her skin so soft
her legs so fine
i ran my fingers down her spine
I didn't kno how
but i tried my best
2 place my hand on her breast
i remember my fear
my fast beatin heart
but slowly she spread her legs apart
& when she did
i felt no shame
as all at once the white stuff came
At least it was finished
its all over now,
my first time
MILKIN A COW!
yes i kno wat u was thinkin! snd this2 all ur dirty minded friends!!

Harry and his wife are finding things tight. So they decide she will become a hooker. Shes not sure what to do so harry says stand at that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge £100. If you have any questions i'll be parked round the back! So she stands there for 5 mins when a guy walks up and asks how much? She replies 100 quid. The guy says ive only got 30. She says hold on and runs to ask harry what the guy gets for £30. A hand job replies harry so the wife runs back to tell the guy and he agrees. She gets in the car and he pulls out his huge penis she stares at it and says i'll be right back. She runs back to harry and asks "can you lend this guy £70?"

Paddy's getting mugged by 4 blokes & he puts up a great fight, but in the end, 3 of them hold him down & the 4th goes through his pockets. All he had was 40p. The muggers said "U put up that fight for just 40p - y did u bother?" Paddy said "I taut u was afta the £500 I've got hidden in me shoe."

I walked past a second hand shop this morning and seen a sign in the window "60 inch plasma TV, stuck on full volume £50" i thought to myself, for fifty quid i cant turn that down...

whats the difference between pubic hair and salad?
fuck all - you just push it to one side and keep eating!

Jeff & Jim are Siamese twins joined at the hip. They walk into a bar in New York & order a couple of beers. Barman serves them and asks"You guys been on vacation yet?""We're off to England next week" says Jeff "We go every year."Barman says "Englands great. the culture, history, the queen"Jeff replies "We don't go for that shit, it's the only chance Jim gets to drive the car

[flanflinger]

Right have not done an update since Jacko popped it... i had to sort all the Jacko jokes out so they would not get me a ban on here... heres this weeks jokes.

5 words women use:
1. FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up
2. FIVE MINUTES
If shes getting dressed this means half an hour
3. NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with NOTHING usually end in FINE!
4. GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Dont do it!
5. LOUD SIGH
This means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistakes
Send this to all the guys you know to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
Send this to all women you know to give them a good laugh cuz they know it's true!!

Steven gerrard was today charged with affray, he was given 200 hours community service. The judge said he should use the time to teach the locals to play football, he starts monday morning at goodison park!

'PUBLIC HEALTH ANNOUNCEMENT'
"Swine Flu" affects noses & throats.
No mention of ARSEHOLES.
You lucky bastard!

Two men are discussing a gorgeous woman they both met at a nightclub . I dated her last wednesday one said , we had great sex and i shouldnt say this but she was even better in bed than my wife ! Well said the other man i dated her last weekend but to tell u the truth i think ur wife is much better !

Just had a water fight on our street with a bunch of kids.
I won easy.
They were no match for me .... with my freshly boiled kettle.

nun goes 2 the doctor as she was feeling sick, she is totally shocked when he told her she was pregnant. Next day she stormed in2 the monastry where the monks lived & shouted, "right which 1 of u dirty bastards has been wanking over the candles?

Paddy is cleaning his rifle when he accidentally shot and killed his wife. He dialled 999 "It's my wife, I accidentally shot her & killed her!" Operator "Calm down sir, can u first make sure she is dead?" CLICK....... BANG!- Paddy "ok done that, what next?"

You know its going to be a good blow job when she puts on a breathe right nasal strip first!

You know its going to be a good blow job when she puts on a breathe right nasal strip first!

A bloke takes his kids to the zoo. When they get inside there's just 1 cage with 1 small dog sitting inside it. He storms to the office to complain "You call this a zoo ?!! It's just one fuckin dog sitting in a cage !!"
The ticket seller calmly replys "That's right sir. It's a shitzhu."

Whats got 3 teeth 88 legs and smells of piss
Answer
The front row at a cliff richard concert

When l was born, l had the choice of either being a really good shag...or having a superb memory..so l...erm...ah fuck it, I've forgot what l was gonna say now!

Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get
a dodgy one!

Paddy calls Jetstar to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many
people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your bloody plane!!!

Recent studies have shown constantly sucking dick takes away the ability to speak. Now I understand why you text and never call. Stay strong cocksucker!xx

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let
liquor touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back and said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a
choice!'

Teacher asks class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.1st little boy says alligator. "Very good thats a big word". . . 2nd boy says predator . . "Yes thats another big word". 3rd boy says Vibarator miss.... After nearly falling off her chair ,she says."That's a big word but it doesn't eat anything.!" "Well my sister has one and she says it eats Batteries like fuck..!

Some woman stopped me in the street today and started telling me a joke, it had all the ingredients of a good joke : starving black people , death, tears and suffering, but I didnt understand the punchline..... Something about £2 a month !

Part 1:
What's yellow and blue, and sits at the bottom of a swimming pool?
A baby with slashed arm bands.
Part 2:
What pink, red and yellow, and floats on top of a swimming pool?
Arm bands with a slashed baby.

Paddy has just got his 2nd question right on who wants to b a millionaire & is now on £200. Here's the 3rd question: Who was the great train robber? Was it:
a) RONNIE Biggs?
b) RONNIE Barker?
c) RONNIE Parker?
Paddy says "Well Chris, I've had a lovely time & I'm going to take the £200."
Chris says "R u fucking stupid? U hv all yr life lines left."
Paddy says "I might b stupid but I'm not a fucking grass!"

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.' The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay. Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.' Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week. When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.''What skill?' yelled Paddy...'I sew the elastic on the knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

My girlfriend is a dirty little minx; when i cum in her mouth she likes to gargle it, blow bubbles with it and then let it dribble out of her mouth and down over her cheeks and chin. She may be completely paralysed but she sure knows how to enjoy herself

Mick is in court for a double murder. The judge says "you are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.'' Man at the back of the courtroom yells out "cunt!" The room goes silent, the judge continues "you are also charged with beating your wife's lover to death with a hammer." Again the man yells out "you fucking cunt!" The judge having enough, looks at the man and says "sir, I can understand your anger at this crime but I will have no more outbursts, if you have anything to say, say it now". The man gets up and says "for 15 years I lived next door to that bastard & everytime I asked to borrow a fuckin hammer he said he didn't have one!!!"

Michael jackson had a heart attack after he discoverd boys II men were a band, not a delivery service!

Man goes to court for stealing a can of peaches from the supermarket the judge says am going to sentence you to one month in prison for every peach in the tin there are six in the tin so thats six months the man says to the juge thank fuck i put the beans back

Madonna has sent her heart felt wishes to the family of Michael Jackson on their hour of need & has added can she have first refusal on the kids!!

I was in tescos the other day and saw some marmalade which i thought they named after you...on closer inspection i realised it said 'thick cut' .....

I got really upset when I saw the Jacksons pushing Michael's coffin on the tele yesterday.....I thought Cool Runnings was on and I fucking love that film!

How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?
One, but you have to throw it really hard.

Guy goes 2 the Doc's & says "Doc I've got a sex problem." the Doc asks "What's up?" so the guy says "Well first of all my wife wakes me at 5am for a 2 hour shag before work." the Doc nods & is about 2 speak when the guy says "That's not all, on the train 2 work there's a blonde conductress who lets me off paying if I shag her." "I see" says the Doc. "No U don't, cos then at work I've gotta fuck my female boss just 2 keep my job. My secretary so she won't blab about me shagging the boss, the waitress at the local restarant so she'll keep our table, the conductress on the way home & then my wife the minute I get in the door." quite taken aback the Doc asks "So what exactly is the problem?", "Well" says the guy "It hurts when I wank."

Gangster in the states is holding a big flash party, plenty of booze, women etc. He had 3 crocodiles put into his swimming pool. The party got underway when the host gathered everyone around the pool and said, i will give anyone 1 million bucks to swim the length of my pool, there were no takers, after a while he said, right i am upping the stakes,i will give 2 million bucks plus u can have any bit of Cunt at the party,a few minutes passed and suddenly there is an almighty splash and some bloke is swimming like a good un with crocs tearing lumps of flesh from him as he goes,the man struggles out the other end and the host slaps him on the back + says fuck me, that was the bravest thing i have ever seen, i am a man of my word here is ur 2 million bucks, which bit of Cunt do you want?drippin in blood the man replied' I WANT THE CUNT THAT PUSHED ME IN!

First Princess Diana,Now Michael Jackson. . . .Anyone else praying for Martin Bashir to interview alex ferguson?

Blind man went 4 job in wood yard saying he could identify wood by smell. They tested him on diff types & he guessed right evrytime. 2catch him out the secretary lay naked. He sniffed +asked the wood 2b turned over, he sniffed again. 'Can't fool me' he said, 'its an old shithouse door off a fishin boat!

4 jamaicans were sitting around a campfire near the beach. They were all philosophizing on what the fastest thing in the world was. Seymour said "i tink de fasses ting is a thought because b4 u can tink it it already thought" winston said "nah man da fassess ting is a blink cos b4 u tink 2 blink u dun blink already" delroy said "no man da fassess ting is helectricity becas when u turn on de light it travel fass and de lite come on" leroy say "nah man de fassess ting is diarrhoea" 'diarrhoea!' they all say. Yes cos las nite b4 i could tink blink or switch de lite on me shit meself.

4 blokes in a prison cell. A zoophile, a sadist, a necrophiliac & a gay. The zoophile says "if there was a cat here i'd fuck it till i pass out". The sadist nods & says "once you're done with it i'd torture it to death". The necrophiliac sighs "Oh yeah & once it was dead i'd fuck it till i passed out". The gay bloke sitting in the corner very softly says "meow"

2 Irish men on DLA claiming 2 be deaf were sent for a check up..first one says to the other "crafty cunts caught me out, told me to close the door and i shut it, other guy says "i was too smart for that, i told them to close it themselves!

[tiggerbiker]

could you PM me the filtered out jokes?

[flanflinger]

Done

[OrangeJuicey]

here too please

[Mystical_2K]

hi mate, these are great, could you PM me the other ones too

thanks,

[Sanj[UK]]

pm me the jacko stuff!

[miffy]

id also like the jacko stuff if any off you already have it

[flanflinger]

The missus has left me, took my bob marley collection and the satellite dish, I’m gutted................. No woman no sky.


Paddy and murphy stagger out of the zoo covered in blood and clothes ripped to shreds. "bollocks to that" says paddy"who's fucking idea was it to go lion dancing.


pr0stitute, new to the game was told by her pimp "No sex for the 1st 7days, just wanks". She asks, "Why only wanks?", Pimp says "Union rules, you gotta work a week in hand".


City manager mark hughes said he will bring in plenty of new faces this season, Tevez asked if he could have one.


2 irish men park their car,shut the door then realise they have left the keys in side. Paddy says, we could get a coat hanger & try to unlock it or prise the door open. Mick said , well whatever we do, we better hurry, its starting to rain & the tops still down.


To the tune of okey cokey- you put the right hook in, the right hook out, in out in out you knock the fucker out, you pay the judge and jury and your not sent down, thats what its all about ooooh stevie stevie gerrard. . . . . .


How do you know you're dating a lazy bitch?
When you ask for a blow job & she replies "nah, I'm too tired, just wank in a cup & I'll drink it in the morning"!


A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full
length mirror. This
does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror,
looking at herself, asking
him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the
mirror, now complaining
that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you
want your breasts to
grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between
your breasts for a few
seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and
stands in front of the
mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow gradually larger over a period of some years," he
replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts
everyday will make my breasts grow?" she asks.
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your arse didn't it?"


After his court appearance steven gerrard says he feels ashamed . . He said he realises he supposed to be a role model to the youth of liverpool and he now wishes he'd stabbed the cunt and nicked his car . . !


I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the bus and think,
'I'll fucking have that'.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY.... Have you ever wondered if the twenty quid in your wallet was ever in a strippers butt crack? If not you're wondering now! Have a nice day! :-D


Gerrards been given 80 hours community service, giving dissadvantaged people football lessons - he's got to report to old trafford at 9am monday morning

[flanflinger]

Woman sees sign in pet shop window -FANNY LICKING FROG £25.
In she goes."I'd like to see the fanny licking frog. "The bloke behind the counter says; "BONJOUR"


Little Patrick asked for a bike for his birthday. His Dad said "we'd get u one but the mortgage is £80,000 and ur Mam has lost her job". Next day Patrick walked out with his suitcase packed, his Dad asked "where u goin?" Patrick replied "I walked past your bedroom last night and heard u tell Mam u were pullin out, then I heard her tell u to wait cos she was comin too, and I'm not stayin here on my own with a 80,000 mortgage and no fucking bike.


Had a wank over an ex girlfriend last night,..i know it's wrong,but she's a heavy sleeper and i still have a key!


A scouse Maths teacher asks little Becky what comes after 69.
She says,"A wet wipe and some mouth wash," Miss


HIS FIRST TIME!!......

The sky was dark
the moon was high
all alone jst her & i
Her Hair so soft
her eyes so blue
i knew jst wat she wanted 2 do
Her
my fast beatin heart
but slowly she spread her legs apart
& when she did
i felt no shame
as all at once the white stuff came
At least it was finished
its all over now,
my first time
MILKIN A COW!
yes i kno wat u was thinkin! snd this2 all ur dirty minded friends!!


Whats the difference between a washing machine and your misses? U don't have to hug the washing machine after u've thrown a load in it!


A kid came up to me the other day and asked 'Whats your favourite Telly Tubby?' I said 'Probably the new Samsung widescreen, u cheeky little cunt '

[flanflinger]

On August 7th 2009...

At 34 minutes and 56 seconds past 12...

the time and date will read...

12:34:56 07/08/09

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

This won't happen again for another thousand years !!!
Amaze yr friends and be the first 2 tell them !!!





Is this just a coincidence?
2007-Chinese year of the chicken-Bird Flu pandemic devastates parts of Asia. 2008-Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing. 2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu pandemic kills hundreds of people around the globe. Next year is.....2010 Chinese year of the Cock-is it too early to panic?


Being British is about driving a german car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then on your way home grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab to sit on a Swedish sofa and watch USA shows on a Japanese TV. And most of all being suspicious of anything Foreign. Oh and only in Britain can you get a pizza to your home faster than an ambulance. Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain pens to the counter. Also Supermarkets make sick people walk to the back of the shop for prescriptions whilst healthy people get their fags at the front of shop. We might be british but by fuck we're funny


What a coincidence farrah fawcett and m jackson dying on the
Same day ! One played with majors and one played with minors!


2 dwarfs pull 2 girls and take them home. 1st dwarf just can't get it up. To make things worse all night he hears 2nd dwarf saying here i cum again. 1 2 3 uuuh. Next morning 1st dwarf says how embarrassin i couldn't get an erection. 2nd dwarf says you think thats bad. I couldn't get on the Fucking bed!!!


Bert & Mable in OAP home. Bert says 'I'm leavin U 4 Ivy cos she holds my willy all nite'. Mable says 'But so do I'. Bert says 'Yes but she's got Parkinsons!'


ALTERNATIVE NURSERY RHYMES
1 - Little miss muffet wanked on a tuffet with a dildo the size of her arm, along came a nigger, who's cock was much bigger n did her some permanent harm.
2 - Mary mary quite contrary how does ur garden grow? I live in a flat u stupid twat, how the fuck wud i know?.
3 - Mary had a little lamb its fleece was white n whispy, along came foot n mouth disease n now its black n crispy.


Manchester United today got a financial repackage deal, alex ferguson is excited at the prospect and is optimistic for the future he is going to celebrate by splashing out on a packet of wrigleys spearmint gum.

[rookie]

love them mate keep them coming u still have some jacko ones in there but they are all good.

[littlebilly1]

On August 7th 2009...

At 34 minutes and 56 seconds past 12...

the time and date will read...

12:34:56 07/08/09

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

it will also be 07/08/09 10:11:12am

[flanflinger]

love them mate keep them coming u still have some jacko ones in there but they are all good.

Yeh but the jacko one was not a bad one...

[OrangeJuicey]

thanks again.

[flanflinger]

Had some do gooder at the door asking me to send clothes to the starving in Africa. Are they takin the piss?? If an African can fit into my clothes, believe me, he aint fucking starving!


3 mice in a Glasgow pub having a mouse to mouse talk. Who's the toughest? Aberdeen mouse says he is, "I go up to mousetraps rip the cheese out and as the bar comes down I benchpress it 30 times and throw it across the room!" Edinburgh mouse says: "you poof! I get rat poison, crush it into powder & snort it!" Glasgow mouse finishes his beer, gets up and walks to the door. Where are you going? asked the other. going "Home, to shag the cat!"


Peter invites his Mum 4 tea. She notices his flat mate Joe is very handsome and slightly camp and although she suspected Peter's gay he denies that anything is going on and says that they r only flat mates. A wk later Joe says to Peter, "Ever since ur mam came 2 tea, I can't find the frying pan." Peter emails his Mum & says.
"Dear Mum, I'm not saying that you DID take the frying pan, and I'm not saying you DID NOT take the frying pan, but, its been missing ever since u came 4 tea. Love Peter". His Mum replies. "Dear son, I'm not saying u DO sleep with Joe and I'm not saying u DO NOT sleep with Joe, but, if he was sleeping in his own bed he would have found the fucking frying pan by now. Love Mum"


3 men who were captured by savages were told their pricks would b removed in a manner appropriate 2 their job ! 1st man was a lumberjack, his wud b chopped off 2nd man was a butcher his wud b sliced off 3rd man started laughin, wen his captors asked why He replied, i work in a lollipop factory!


Just a reminder that tomorrow is "Hug a Mong" day. So dont freak out like you did last year. Nobody is trying to hurt you x


Did i like dummy another to it send retard a like this reading time fucking sweet ur took u since. (Now read it backwards)

[demonology]

Hahaha liked thge mouse and the african one!!!

Put them into my mobile now

[Lou_smorals]

Boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for he first time, the proud Dad says 'I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you w ill have to wait until next pay day' boy says 'that's alright Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it anyway'

Bloke shagging his girlfriend says' Bend over we'll try the social security position' ' What the hell is that ?' she says ' When my balls touch your arse you're getting the full benefit'

Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night. They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.

What is the medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris? .
The wife

Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, ' How dare you call me a slapper, get out of my bed right now and take your fucking mates with you'

I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady dropped dead in front of me, I felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a Bag for Life.

I'm quite worried what the kids are up to lately. Today saw a small girl imitating the doggy position with her Barbie and Ken dolls, I said ' you will have baby dolls if you do that' she said 'It's OK he's doing it up her arse'

McVities have honoured Lewis Hamilton by putting a picture of him and his F1 car on their new range of chocolate biscuits ' Wogon Wheels' will be on sale soon in all well known supermarkets.

Teacher says to little Tommy 'Why weren't you at school yesterday?' Tommy says 'My grandfather got burnt' Teacher says 'Badly?' Little Tommy says ' Yes, they don't fuck about at the crematorium . '

A friend of mine says he is shagging twins, I said ' How can you tell the difference?' he said ' Her brother has got a moustache ?

Hubby has ' I love you' tatooed on his penis, and goes home to show his wife, she says 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth'

A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted ' He's behind you !'

Bored on your way to work? On the bus, tube or train? Pretend you are on the phone, talk about your 4 week holiday in Mexico . Hang up and then sneeze.

[flanflinger]

here you go... so far this week its been slow

10 useful insults for women:
1. She's seen more helmets than Hitler;
2. Got a fanny like a badly packed kebab; 3. Face like a painters radio;
4. Her fanny's like a hippos yawn;
5. Been shot over more times than Baghdad;
6. Handled more balls than David James;
7. Got piss flaps like a gutted trout;
8. Seen more stiffs than Quincy;
9. Been cocked more times than John Waynes' shotgun;
10. Even the tide wouldn't take her out.


2 old ladies in launderette, Mary puts in her washing and the machine starts to laugh."Why is the washing machine laughing at me." Mary askes her friend ethel. Ethel says "Ya silly old cow, it's not laughing at you,,, its taking the piss out of your knickers!


Girl says to boyfriend ''U make love like u decorate'' he replies ''What...slow with smooth strokes & a professional finish?' ''No'' she replies ''More like the fucking Council, u just bang it up, leave a right mess & I have to finish the fucking job myself!!


A Man United fan was shaggin his sister & she started laughin, he asked,"what's so funny?" She said, "you fuck like dad." He says, "Yeah, that's what mum said!"


This girl told me that she wouldn't sleep with me if I was the last person on Earth.
If I was the last person on Earth, she wouldn't have a choice in the matter.


I learnt two very important things today.
1. Bagels are very hot when you remove them from a toaster
2. Third degree burns on your cock are hard to explain to the Doctor.


Q:What does a camera, a condom, and a womans mouth, have in common?
A:They were all designed to catch that special moment.


Doctor went fishin one afternoon & not wantin 2 close his clinic left his asistant 'murphy' in charge. Doc came back & asked murphy, "how did he get on?" murphy says, "I had 3 patients, 1st had a headache so I give her paracetamol." "good man" says doc. "2nd had indigestion so I gave her gaviscon." "well done." said doc. "3rd was a young gorgeous woman who burst in 2 the room, took off all her clothes & lies on the table, spreads her legs & shouts "Please please help me, i havn't seen a man in 5 years!"" "Mother of fuck, murphy! what did u do?" asks the doctor, . . . . "I put drops in her eyes!!"


A man's wife came in wearing a sexy nighty. She told her husband "Tie me up & you can do what you want." So he tied her up, fucked her sister, and went fishing!


I expected a call last nite, so i slept with my phone under my pillow. Wen i woke up it was gone and there was a pound in its place . . . . . . . Fuckin bluetooth fairy!


FINALLY THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BIN WAITING FOR:
Q. What are the small bumps around a womans nipple 4?
A. Its braille for 'suck here'
Q. What is an austrailian kiss?
A. Its the same as a french kiss but down under.
Q. Why were hurricaines named after women?
A. Because when they cum, they're wet and wild. But when they go they take ur house and car with them.
Q. Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake ?
A. Because they dont have any balls 2 scratch.
And finally. . . . . .
Q. What is a man's ultimate embarrassment?
A. Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose


Postman is retiring & on his last round, he gets a bottle from one house, cigars from the next, the third house mrs jones is waiting n her nightdress! She drags him upstairs makes mad passionate love to him then brings him down for a huge fry up. The postman sees a fiver under his cup & asks what's this. Woman explains, "we were talking about what to get u & my husband said FUCK him, give him a fiver! The breakfast was my idea! "


I want you. I shall seek & find you. I shall take u 2 bed & have my way with you. I will make u ache, shake & sweat till u moan & groan. I will make u beg 4 mercy. I will exhaust u 2 the point that u will be relieved when Im finished with you & you will be weak for days. All my love Swine Flu x x x


Paddy & Murphy arrive at a fancy dress party. The theme was Emotions. Most people dressed in colours associated with feelings. Red-anger, green-envy, yellow-cowardice. They look shocked to see paddy naked with his cock lodged in a pear and murphy with his cock in a bowl of custard. When asked what they had come as paddy answers 'Well l'm deep in dis-pear' and murphy said 'l'm fuckin dis-custard!!


Broadmoor prison held a kareoke night 3rd place was rose west with under the boardwalk 2nd was peter sutcliffe with if i had a hammer
And the winner was harold shipman with just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down


A woman is taking golf lessons . She had started her 1st round when she was stung by a bee. She went back into the clubhouse for help. Her golf pro asked why she was back so early. She told him of the bee sting."where did it sting you ?" he asked. "between the first and second hole." she said. He nodded an said "then your feet are too far apart."


First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' ."

After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
Rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless her,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress her.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth..... Ruined the whole fucking thing.