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  1. #61
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    flanflinger's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Crank Number 07592925650

    Teacher asks class for a 10 letter word johnny said "masturbate! "Oh" said teacher "thats a mouthful!""No" said johnny ur thinkin of blowjob & thats 7 letters


    A girl asks her doctor "how many calories are in cum?" the Doctor replys, "Honey, if you swallow, nobody cares if your fat"


    Man sitting on train across from blonde in a mini skirt. He can't stop staring and soon realises she is going commando. R u looking at my fanny she asks. Yes i'm sorry says the man. Its ok, she says its very talented.watch this i can make it blow u a kiss and wink at u. He stares in amazement as the fanny first blows him a kiss then winks at him. Come sit next to me - would u like to stick 2 fingers in? Fuckin hell he says can it whistle as well!


    Now that india has allowed homosexuality the first lesbian couple have got married so congratulations to Sukme flaps and Makemeclit singh


    Whats nasal sex??
    Fuck knows...


    Wot do ya call a pr0stitute with her hands in her knickers? .........self employed


    Man sits next 2 a guy with a dog on a plane & asks is he a guide dog?
    No i'm a drugs officer, he's a sniffer dog, watch this & says to the dog 'Search'
    The dog goes off, comes back & puts 1 paw on his lap. 'Heroin' the guy says & makes a note of the passanger. The dog comes back again & puts 2 paws on his lap. 'Coke' the guy says. The dog comes back again & shits all over the seat. Whats that then the 1st man asks. Guy replies
    He's found a fucking bomb

    So there I was. Naked with lube on my knob. A stegosaurus glove puppet on one hand, and a Tyrannasaurus Rex glove puppet on the other, with a whole box of tissues next to me. How stupid did I feel when I put on the DVD and realised it was called WALKING with Dinosaurs.


    A man tells his wife: ''i've just heard our milkman has made love 2 every woman in this street apart from one!'' his wife says: ''i bet it's that bitch from number 32.''


    A blonde got a job as a tram driver but was sacked after 2 weeks "what happened?"asked her friend."why did they fire you?"
    "for overtaking." replied the blonde…


    Jeff & bob are Siamese twins joined at the hip. They walk into a bar in New York & order a couple of beers. Barman serves them and asks"You guys been on vacation yet?""We're off to England next week" says Jeff "We go every year."Barman says "Englands great. the culture, history, the queen"Jeff replies "We don't go for that shit, it's the only chance bob gets to drive the fucking car."
    Who were you when you thought you where you was?. Whats a matter for can't you want to?

  2. #62
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    Default Re: The Crank Number 07592925650

    whoops
    Who were you when you thought you where you was?. Whats a matter for can't you want to?

  3. #63
    DF VIP Member Omgporn's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Crank Number 07592925650

    Hey man, just wonder the group has changed its name on facebook?
    I'm so l33t. Ph33r my skillz.

  4. #64
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    Default Re: The Crank Number 07592925650

    Nope its still the same


    New Durex Condom slogans
    1. Cover ur stump b4 u hump.
    2. Dont b a loner, cover ur boner.
    3. If u think she's spunky cover ur monkey
    4. Dont b a fool cover ur tool.
    5. Wrap ur bait b4 u mate.
    6. Plug ur funnel then enter the tunnel
    7. Package ur meat 4a real nice treat.
    8. Sock that wanger b4 u bang her.
    9. If ur nude then tube ur dude.
    10. Cover ur diddle then fiddle her middle.



    3 men in prison wonderin how 2 put in their time. Scotsman says, "I've a mouth organ, I can play some music." Englishman says, "I've a pack of cards so we can play poker." The Irishman takes out a box of tampons & says, "I wont b bored cos it says on the box I can ride, swim, ski & play tennis with these!


    How many animals cn u fit in a pair of ladys jeans? 1 ass, 1 pussy, countless hares, the ocaisional cock n a fish no can find ha!


    Teacher is playin a guessin game with her class,"wat hav i got behind my bak? She says. Ill give you a clue its round, red an juicy! A tomato says jonny. "no, its an apple, but i like the way your thinkin she says. Jonny sticks up his hand."miss guess wat im holdin im ma pockt? Give me a clue she says. Jonny says its round, hard and has a head on it." thats disgusting she says. No replies jonny its a coin but i like the way your thinkin!


    Linford Christie goes to a Golf Club and man at reception looking a bit embarrassed says, "Sorry sir,we dont let black people play here. Theres another club 10 minutes down the road that might help." "But Im Linford Christie!" he says. "Alright then, clever cunt 3 minutes down the road now fuck off!


    Paddy stood by a bar getting pissed trying to work out how the fuck he's only got 3 brothers while his sister's got 4.


    Girl talks her boyfriend in2 tryin new drink. She orders salt shaker, shot of Baileys Irish Cream + shot of lime juice. First u put bit of salt on ur tongue, then u drink shot of Baileys (mmm, smooth, rich + very pleasant he thinks). Finally he drinks the lime juice + in 1sec the sharp lime hits his taste buds, in 2secs the Baileys curdles, at 3secs the salty curdled taste turns in2 mucous + at 4secs it triggers hìs gag reflex. Being manly he swallows the foul tastin drink, turns 2 girlfriend, says: Wat the hell was dat drink called? Girlfriend smiles sweetly, says: BLOW JOB REVENGE!!


    Now that india has allowed homosexuality the first lesbian couple have got married so congratulations to Sukme flaps and Makemeclit singh


    A guy applies 4 a job with strathclyde police.at interview the inspector says,theses r the best qualifications ive ever seen,but theres 1 last test. Take this gun & shoot 6 celtic fans & a white rabbit. The guy asks why the rabbit? The cop replies,gr8 attiude,when can u start


    Difference between bein kinky an a pervert kinky ya tickle the ass wit a feather pervert u use the whole chicken


    What's the difference between rohypnol and a mobile phone?
    It is usually an accident when you drop a mobile phone in someone's drink



    I remember when I was a kid me mam would send me to the shops with 6p. I could get a chicken, 2 pints of milk, a comic, 6 eggs and a pair of jeans. You cant do that these days .. Fucking cctv!


    Local MP visits old folks home remarks to 90 year old lady how well she looks. Have u ever been bedridden. I hav several times she said & fucked on the sofa too


    Whats the difference between a pr0stitute and a wife?
    Ones a contract the other is pay as you go!



    Two Englishmen opening a shop in Argyle Street are sitting in the empty shop waiting on stock being delivered first Englishman says to his mate "bet you we have some nosey Scottish bastard asking what we are selling" Sure enough within five minutes door opens and wee Glaswegian guy says 'Whit yous selling in here big man?' Englishman says "we're selling arseholes" Without missing a beat Glaswegian comes back "Yir dain well, only two left!"


    Two doctors are having sex. He says to her "You must be a surgeon. You washed your hands before & after." She replies, "Well, you must be an anesthetist. Cos I didn't feel a fucking thing." :-)


    Three lads in a Lap Dancin Club wer watchin a buxom blonde gyrating on the pole.The welsh lad stuck £10 on her left buttock.Not 2 b out done the english stuck £20 on her right buttock.The lad from ireland swiped his visa down the crack of her arse & took the £30 cash bk.


    Fella buys packet of mixed flavour condoms. Raspberry, banana etc. "He Says to wife, lets play a game." "I will put one on and you guess what flavour it is." She agrees." She goes under the blankets and says "cheesey wotsit". He says, "for fucks sake, give me a chance to put one on!"


    3 girls on a plane thats going 2 crash, the american puts on her makeup "Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first!'' she said. French girl opens her bra, "Rescuers will save a girl with beautiful breasts!''The african removes her knickers & says "fuck off, they always look for the black box first!


    Two boys playing in park find a condom. They take it to show their mum. She gets really angry telling them its dirty and not to touch things they find. One boy says to other, mum was really mad about that. Yeah says the other, we better not tell her we ate the yoghurt out of it!


    Mick opens Paddy's fridge& says "Why do u always keep an empty bottle of milk in here Paddy?"Mick replies "In case someone wants a black coffee you thick twat!"


    A man comes home to find his 17 year old daughter with a pink dildo up her "what the fuck are you doing" he shouts "well you won't let me have a boyfriend so this is my substitute" she explains. The next night the daughter comes home to find her dad with her pink dildo up his arse, drinking a can of beer "what the fuck are you doing" she shouts, to which he replies "having a beer with your boyfriend"
    Who were you when you thought you where you was?. Whats a matter for can't you want to?

  5. #65
    DF VIP Member
    flanflinger's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Crank Number 07592925650

    Traveller couple are walkin out of the divorce court, the wife is cryin her heart out. Husband says for fuck sake stop cryin ..... You're still my sister


    When asked how she felt about the prospect of being stripped of her gold medal at the world cup athletics, the south african runner replied ' it would be a right kick in the bollocks'


    Elton John went to tattooist and said i want a rolls royce tattooed on my penis, he said you'd be better off with a land rover it wont get stuck in the shit.


    The IAAF has confirmed that the sex test row athlete Caster Semenya can keep her 800m Gold Medal after her Father Fatima Whitbread confirmed that she is a girl


    Tom visits Dave who's laid up at home with a broken leg.
    Dave says "Me feet are freezing mate, can you nip upstairs and get my slippers?"
    "No probs" says Tom.
    Upstairs Dave's stunning 19 year old twin daughters are sitting on their bed.
    "Hello girls, your Dad sent me to shag you two."
    "Fuck off you liar!" they said.
    "I'll prove it." said Tom and he shouts downstairs
    "Both of them Dave?"
    "Of course! What's the point of fuckin one?!"



    2 nuns being raped down a country lane.
    1st nun says, "Forgive them Lord for they know not what they're doing"
    2nd nun shouts, "OOOOH My God! This Fucker does!"



    Young boy sat back of class squirmin & scratchin his crotch. Teacher asked him wots wrong. Embarrased boy said he just been circumcised & was itchy. Teacher told him to go to office & ring his mum for advice. 5 mins later boy cums back sits down & other kids stare at him. Teacher sees him with his willy out, rushes over & says wot on earth are you doin. Wel miss the boy says. My mum said if i cud stick it out til lunchtime she'd come & get me !!


    Shag........Funny word isnt it? To a smoker its a type of tobacco. To an American its a dance. To an ornithologist its a bird. And to you ya ugly fucker its just a remote possibility!


    Boy lost job in chip shop. Dad goes to find out why. Owner says "I found him with his dick in the potato peeler." Dad says "may I see the potato peeler?" and the owner replied "No I fired him as well!"


    What organ do men exercise most whilst wanking?
    Their ears. . . listening for the wife coming



    I went to a celebrity poker tournament last night.

    Peter andre lost a big pair
    Randy jackson lost on jacks n 5
    Steven gerrard was waitin for a flush but was then let off with a dodgy suit
    Kerry katona gave all her money to the dealer
    Prince charles got the wrong queen
    And jeremy beadle had a shit hand all night.



    Teacher asks class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.1st little boy says alligator. "Very good thats a big word". . . 2nd boy says predator . . "Yes thats another big word". 3rd boy says Vibarator miss.... After nearly falling off her chair ,she says."That's a big word but it doesn't eat anything.!" "Well my sister has one and she says it eats Batteries like fuck..!"


    Woman in jewellers admiring a big diamond ring. As she leans down for a closer look a big fart lets rip. Hoping no one noticed she asks "how much is that one?" Jeweller says "madam, if you farted looking at it, you'll shit yourself when I tell you the price!"


    A bloke is sunbathing with nothing but a hat covering his old boy. Two women walk past and one sniggers then says; "if you were a gentleman you would lift your hat to a lady". The bloke replies; "if you weren't so fat & ugly the hat would lift itself"!


    How come when your wife's pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say congratulations! But none of them rub your cock and say well done!


    A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
    animated conversation.

    The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention
    is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

    'Emma come First. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
    once-a-more! Two asses, They come together again. I come again and pee
    twice. Then I come one Lasta Time.'

    The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig.'
    She retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud on Public
    Places about our sex lives.'

    'Hey, coola down lady, ' said the man. 'Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a
    Justa Tellin my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi','



    Did u know 30% of people play with themselves in the shower?
    The other 70% prefer to sing in the shower.
    Do u know what song they sing?
    No i didn't think u would!!! ;-)



    Old MacDonald had tourettes ....
    E - I - E - I – CUNT



    Nothing's worse after sex than looking down and seeing a broken condom hanging off your dick......Especially when you weren't wearing one!


    I saw a scarecrow having a wank in a field today. Impossible i thought, he's just clutching at straws.


    Hubby says "I fancy kinky sex can I cum in ur ear?" wife says "No I might go deaf!" hubby says "Ive been cumin in ur mouth for 20yrs & ur still fuckin talkin!"


    A few years ago now, i got kicked out of school. The headmaster caught me behind the bike shed, fingering one of the girls from my class. When i was leaving, he said it was a pity as i was the best maths teacher the school had ever had.


    2 blondes talking, 1 says to the other, ''I've just taken a pregnancy test''. The other replies, ''Were the questions hard''?


    Rumour has it you got mugged last night and the robber gave you 2 options,
    1. Suck his cock or

    2. Give him your phone.

    I see you still have your phone!
    Who were you when you thought you where you was?. Whats a matter for can't you want to?

  6. #66
    DF VIP Member
    flanflinger's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Crank Number 07592925650

    A man goes into a library and asks for a book on one legged, asian, dwarf sex. The librarian says, How can you stoop so fucking low? The man replies, Yes, thats the one !


    85yr old virgin about to die wanted her tombstone to read BORN A VIRGIN LIVED A VIRGIN DIED A VIRGIN The engraver shortened it to RETURNED TO GOD UNOPENED


    *How to make love!*
    Ingredients...

    4 laughin eyes

    4 well shaped legs

    4 lovin arms

    2 firm milk containers

    2 nuts

    1 mixin bowl

    1 firm banana



    Method...

    1. Look in2 laughin eyes

    2. Spread well shaped legs wiv lovin arms

    3. Squeeze & massage milk containers very gently

    4. Gently add firm banana 2 mixin bowl workin in an out until well creamed

    5. As heat rises plunge banana deep in2 mixin bowl and cover wiv nuts, leave 2 soak, preferably not over nite

    6. The cake is done wen banana is soft, if banana doesn't soften repeat steps 3-5 or change mixin bowls!

    Note...

    If u r in an unfamiliar kitchen.

    1. Wash utensils carefully b4 n after use

    2. Do not lick mixin bowl after use

    3. If cake rises, leave town!!



    A guy goes to visit his pal at work. "Wow!"
    he says
    "You're new secretary's beautiful"
    "Thanks,but shes a robot,if you squeeze her left tit she takes dictation,squeeze her right tit,she types a letter and you can bend her over an shag her any time you want!"
    2nd man says
    "Can i borrow her a Moment?"
    and dragged her to the store cupboard. After a few mins,the 1st man hears screaming
    "Oh,I forgot to tell you her arse's a pencil sharpener!"



    Little pakistani kid said to his mum "can i lick the bowl clean"? His mum said "no,flush the fucking toilet like everyone else"!


    Little Mohammed's first day at terrorist school:
    "Mohammed why are you late?"
    "Sorry Sir, I left my bag on the bus!"
    "Well done! A+."



    paddys wife goes to the doctor complaining that after ten years of marriage she had never had an orgasm. The doctor advised her to relax and use a fan to keep her cool during sex. Paddy refused to pay money for a fan and asked his mate if he would mind waving a towel while they made love, but still she didnt orgasm. Next day she asked Paddy if they could swap over. and so paddys mate made love to her and after 20 minutes of the best mind blowing sex she'd ever had, she orgasmed. Paddy looked at his mate and said.... "and that, my old son, is how to flap a fucking towel"..


    Went out to a nightclub last night and gotta say I was dressed to kill! Beard, sandals, turban, backpack.....


    Stevie Wonder plays a 3 hour concert in Tokyo. At the end he asks if there r any requests & a Japanese man at the front shouts: "Play a jazz chord." So Stevie plays 15 minutes perfect Harlem Jazz. Then the same man shouts: "No! Play a jazz chord." So Stevie says: "If u can do better ya cum up and ave a go." So the Japanese man sits at the piano, picks up the microphone & sings: "A JAZZ CHORD TO SAY A RUV YOU...."


    Kerry katona has been awarded substantial damages over newspaper claims that she worked as a pr0stitute before she was famous,summing up the judge said "this story is clearly untrue.who on earth would pay to fuck that fat bitch?"


    Husband and wife sitting in a pub and the wife keeps staring at a drunken man cradling his pint as he sits alone. Husband says "you know him?" wife says "he's my old boyfriend - i'm told he started drinking right after we split up 10 years ago and he hasn't been sober since." "crikey.." says husband "..who'd have thought a fella could go on celebrating that fucking long?


    Mary, a shy virgin discussed her worries on her forth coming marriage to paddy with the parish priest. 'He dropped his trousers last nite father, he's a thing between his legs that i never saw the like of before''Sure thats only his penis mary 'But father theres a purple knob on it'.Thats the penis head mary, dont worry' Then about 16 inch back from the purple knob theres 2 big round things, what are they father?' for your sake mary, i hope they are the cheeks of his arse..
    Who were you when you thought you where you was?. Whats a matter for can't you want to?

  7. #67
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    jaguar982's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Crank Number 07592925650

    Just what i needed a good laugh cheers m8 and glad to see you got your ad at last

    jag


    I'm not racist i hate everybody

  8. #68
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    bobo06's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Crank Number 07592925650

    Fucking magic mate

    I just copied and pasted 100s of them and sent them to all my mates. IPhones are great


    J-Tag 360 RGH 360, PS3 Super Slim, Xbox 360 Slim, WDTV Live with CFW, Vu+ Solo 2, Dreambox 500HD Connected to 1M Motorised Dish.

  9. #69
    DF VIP Member
    flanflinger's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Crank Number 07592925650

    Read at your discression ( there are some patrick swayze jokes in here)

    Paddy gets a job on the buses. His first day he gets put on a double decker. He tells his boss that he never drove a double decker before. His boss says fucksake its the same as a single you collect the fares and drive the bus. So paddy sets off towards the town. Half an hour later police ring the bus station to report paddys bus crashed into primark. Boss goes to scene and asks paddy what the fuck happened. Paddy replies How da fuck do i know i was up stairs collecting the fares.

    So, is it too soon to ask Whoopie Golderberg if she's heard from Patrick Swayze yet?

    Leroy in class puts his hand up "miss can I hav friday off, Ive got a funeral 2go 2". Yes of course replies the teacher. Jimmy puts his hand up + says "can I hav thurs off 2go strawberry pickin" no u cant says teacher. Jimmy says thats not fair I cant go strawberry pickin, but leroy can go black burying

    You are invited to the annual dinner of the Premature Ejaculation Society.
    Dress code: just come in your pants!


    BAD NEWS: Patrick Swayze has died. MORE BAD NEWS: the Swayze family had booked Keith Floyd to do the buffet at the wake.

    Trophy Presentation at Anfield.
    Calm Down !!!
    Its michael shields collecting slimmer of the year !


    2 old men get drunk & decide 2 visit a brothel. Madame takes 1 look at em & whispers 2 her manager,"Go & put inflatable dolls in the 2 bedrooms, these guys r 2 old & drunk 2 notice."
    Durin walk home 1st old man sez,"I think my girl was dead. She never moved, or made a sound !" The 2nd guy sez,"Cud be worse, I think mine was a witch !" "A witch? Why the HELL wud ya say that ?" replied his friend. "Well, I gave her a little bite on the arse. She farted in my face n flew out of the window.!


    Patrick Swayze had no regrets on his death bed,.said hed had the time of his life

    I was in the kitchen this morning when i heard someone cry for help outside. Of course i immediately ran out. A scallie (chav) was being beaten to death before my eyes. Then the sheer scale of the horror hit me. Shit, my toast is burning!.

    Went swimming this morning and was getting changed nex 2 this black fella an i tell u sumthin its fukin true what the say about them .the cunt robbed me

    2 eggs boiling in a pan 1 male n 1 female she trns 2 him n says luk av got a crak! he replys no point telin me im not even hard

    What's the most common bird in England ?...Jordan

    A man phones his boss to say he wont be in work as his wife is having a baby. Great news his boss says when is it due?. Well if we get the timing right,it will be about nine months. Replies the man.

    Patrick swayze goes to hell and meets the devil. The devil says so then patrick do you want the good news or the bad news?." I'll have the bad news" he says. The devil replies" well because you've been a twat and made lots of shit films you're stuck down here for all eternity". So whats the Fuckin good news then he says. The devil replies" keith floyd is cooking tea"

    In the cemetery this morning, i saw 4 men carrying a coffin round & round, 3 hrs later i saw the same men with the same coffin & I thought 2 myself. they've lost the fucking plot.

    Man picks up his new car & salesman says "your car is so hi tech you just speak to the radio & it plays what it's told" guy thinks I'll give it a bash "beatles" he shouts at the radio & " a hard days night" plays. " rolling stones" he shouts & "brown sugar" plays. A few days later he's out driving when he gets cut up at a roundabout "fuckin arseholes" he shouts & the radiostarts playing theme to z cars!

    WARNING TO ALL MEN... Women are using a date rape drug called BLOW JOBS to lure men into scams called RELATIONSHIPS.

    Keith Floyd's funeral is on Monday at the crematoriam. . . .Gas mark 3 for 2 hours.

    Paddy and Murphy, come across a girl whose bike has a flat tyre. Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way. A few mins later Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike. "What the feck happened"? asks Murphy. "Well, I fixed her bike and be jaysus she takes her fuckin knickers off, lies on the ground and says, take what you want big boy! "I took the bike.'' "Good on ye says Murphy, i'm sure the fuckin knickers wouldn't fit ya anyway"

    Chinese man rings boss "me no work i sick" boss says "when i'm sick i fuck my wife, try that" 2 hours later, chinese man rings back "me better, you got nice house, thank you very much"

    Paddy & Mary went 2 counsellin after 25 years of marriage. When asked the problems, Mary had a list of issues: neglect, loneliness, unloved. Afterwards the therapist got up, walked round his desk, asked Mary 2 stand unbuttoned her blouse, caressed her breasts & kissed her, while paddy watched. This is what ur wife needs 3times a week. Can u do this? he asked, Paddy thought 4 a minute, I can drop her off here Mondays & Wednesdays, but Fridays im down the pub playin pool.

    Paddy & murphy arrive at a fancy dress party. The theme was 'emotions'. Most people dressed in colours associated with feelings. Red=anger, green=envy, yellow=cowardice. They looked to see paddy naked with his willy lodged in a pear & murphy with his willy in a bowl of custard. When asked what they had come as paddy answers "well i'm deep in dis-pear!" an murphy said "an i'm f***ing dis-custard!"

    This Fella fancies a girl in his office but she has a boyfriend. He approaches her anyway & offers her £1000 if she'll have sex with him. "I'll throw the money on the floor, u bend down & I'll be finished by the time u pick it up." the Girl consults her boyfriend. He advises her go 4 it & pick it up real fast, He wont have a chance!
    An hour later he calls her & asks what's going on.
    "I can hardly FUCKING WALK!" She replys "The BASTARD USED POUND COINS!


    Dr smith sleeps with one of his patients in a weak moment. He is tortured with guilt. In one ear his conscience is saying. . . . . You are a single man. Dont worry about it. . . . . In his other ear his conscience is saying . . . . . . . . .you are a fucking vet you sick bastard.

    An American visiting Belfast stops a wee shankill rd man and asks, why do some cars have an 'L' displayed? The wee man replies 'oh, they're the Loyalists'. He then asks, 'so what are the cars with the 'R' displayed then?' 'Oh they're the Republicans'. Hmm says the American, 'so what are the cars with the wheelchair on the blue badges then ?' 'Oh they're the ones who have fucked about with the first two ! '

    I was asked to do a 10k 'fun run' I said 'fuck off' they said 'come on it's for spastics and blind kids' then I thought....'fuck it I could win this'

    Selling biscuits for 27p thats asda price... Selling toys for 99p thats fisher price... Selling pathetic rape stories to the press... Thats katie price !
    Who were you when you thought you where you was?. Whats a matter for can't you want to?

  10. #70
    DF Probation russbeer's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Crank Number 07592925650

    love the "lost the plot" one and "strawberry picking"

  11. #71
    DF VIP Member koola2's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Crank Number 07592925650

    What no warning about Keith Floyd jokes...

  12. #72
    DF VIP Member consoles's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Crank Number 07592925650

    he was cooking that one up but forgot
    Only in Britain….do we use the word “politics” to describe the process of Government. “Poli” in Latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “bloodsucking
    creatures”

  13. #73
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    Default Re: The Crank Number 07592925650

    touche' lol
    Who were you when you thought you where you was?. Whats a matter for can't you want to?

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    DF Rookie staryama's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Crank Number 07592925650

    oh my god, that's funny. thanks

  15. #75
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    Default Re: The Crank Number 07592925650

    FOR FUCK SAKE! Im so pissd off, decided 2 do my bit 4 help the disabled day. Took 3 special needs out, lost 1 in tesco, 1 in macdonalds, n where the fuck are u?


    Teacher says to Paddy, "the essay you wrote about your dog is word for word the same as your brothers." "Of course it is," said Paddy "it's the same fucking dog!"


    Anyone noticed an anagram of marriage is A grim era


    Dear Matt Lucas,

    I am sorry to hear about the suicide of your ex. I for one find you very attractive and you remind me of my partner who sadly has also passed away.

    If you want to hook up, give me a call.

    Yours sincerely,

    Jack Tweed



    I found out last night that my granny made a porno film back in 70's, I don't know what disgusted me more...
    The fact that she made it, or the fact that I carried on wanking after I recognised her.



    4 blokes in a prison cell. A zoophile, a sadist, a necrophiliac & a gay. The zoophile says "if there was a cat here i'd fuck it till i pass out". The sadist nods & says "once you're done with it i'd fuck it to death". The necrophiliac sighs "Oh yeah & once it was dead i'd fuck it till i passed out". The gay bloke sitting in the corner very softly says "meow"


    Two farmers are in a bar, and one says to the other, " I think my prize ram is gay"
    "Why is that then?" the other one replied.
    "Because he gets an erection when I'm fucking him up the arse" he answered



    Whenever my girlfriend and I have an argument, we always have amazing make-up sex afterwards.
    There's nothing quite like shoving a blusher up her arse.



    2 blokes in the pub discussing their sex lives. 1st bloke says '' we're still at it like rabbits!''
    2nd bloke says ''Huh..I only give it her once a month! I call it 'bruce lee night.'
    His mate asks why?
    He replies 'Enter The Fuckin Dragon!'.



    condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for friday night, 1 for saturday night and 1 for sunday night" "What about the 6 pack dad?" "Those are for university lads. 2 for friday night, 2 for saturday night and 2 for sunday night." "Well dad. What about the 12 pack then?" "Married men son. 1 for january, 1 for february, 1 for march .......


    Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick your cigarette out the window, and you drive for a couple more miles, and you smell something funny, and you look over into the back seat, and sure enough............ grandma's fingering herself again!


    What's the definition of a will? Its a dead giveaway


    3 sisters ann jan an fanny all have big feet ,ann an jan go on a date, 1 of the boys says jesus u have big feet ann replys u shuld see r fannys there huge!


    Paddy the farmer gets a visit from the vet. Vet says "Did you know all your cattle have blue tongue?" Paddy says "I didnt even know they had fucking mobiles!"


    Batman walked up to me he smashed a vase over my head an said "T'Pau" i said dont you mean "KAPOWW" he said "no, i've got china in my hand"


    Top 6 uses of word fuck in history: (6) What the fuck was that? Mayor of Hiroshima 1945. (5) You want what on the fucking ceiling? - Michelangelo 1566. (4) Aw c'mon, who the fuck is going to find out? - Bill Clinton 1997. (3) I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in the head - JFK 1963. (2) Wheres all the fucking water coming from? captain of the titanic 1912. (1).Hey ref 7 more minutes or your backhanders fucked, Sir alex ferguson 2009!!


    Wat a summer eh....first my favorite singer michael jackson dies...then my favorite actor patrick swayze...then keith lloyd my favorite celebrity chef i would just like 2 take this opportunity 2 let the big man know my favorite footballer is michael owen!!!


    The Japanese have joined a team from Northern Ireland to develop a new racing car. They are going to call it........................ THE RED HONDA ULSTER!


    A friend asked me today if I liked porn.
    "Do I like porn?" I replied.
    "Does a bear shit in a Japanese schoolgirl's mouth?"



    Why do most women lose all their teeth before they are 50?
    Disobedience.



    at have women + prawns got in comon?
    Their heads are full of shit, but the pink bits taste great!



    How do you make a fruit into a vegetable ?
    AIDS



    Tracey Says: -?(?2 + ?8) is an irrational number(?2 + ?8)2 = 18, If you square an irrational number you always end up with a rational number.
    Explain Why Tracey is Wrong
    .....She's a Woman



    Whats the difference between Basil Brush and a bomber with a rucksack? The bomber with the rucksack only goes "boom" once!


    Alex was walkin down the touchline n a woman sticks out her arm so he signs it. A bit further down the line n a woman pulls up her top so he signs her tits. Then a naked woman jumps out the tunnel, lies down on the ground n spreads her legs. Alex says 'im sorry, its rafa who signs all the cunts'


    6 Good reasons not to be a penis:
    (1)you're bald your whole life
    (2)you have a hole in your head
    (3)your neighbours are nuts
    (4)The guy behind you is an asshole
    (5)your best friends a cunt.
    And my personal favorite
    (6)Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint!



    Jim and Edna are mental patients, one day Jim jumps in the pool and stays on the bottom, Edna dives in and saves him, the director calls Edna into his office and says Edna I've got some good news and some bad news, the good news is we're releasing you, as your obviously sane saving another persons life. But unfortunately Jim hanged himself in the bathroom. No said Edna, thats where I put him to dry.


    Newsflash: 45 people have been glued to the floor at dublin train station after an irish muslim set off a no more nails bomb.


    A medical Professor was lecturing his 1st year students about "Involuntary Muscle Contractions". To liven up the lesson he asked one of the female students, "For example, do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replies, "Probably having a pint with his mates".


    Been arrested three times this week for knocking the fuck out of the wife... Police asked me "Why do you keep beating her?" ..I replied " Its probably because I have a significant weight advantage, better reach and fancy footwork".


    Wots the difference between an african child and a pair of jeans?...a pair of jeans has only got 1 fly on it!!


    Got my windscreen broken by 3 scallies this morning ............. WANKERS.......... Still i suppose i could have swerved.


    I've signed my dog up for benefits. I think he's eligible and got a good chance of getting it... he's tanned, lazy and has no fucking idea who his dad is !!


    'The irony of a blowjob... although you've got the woman kneeling at your feet, They've still got you by the balls!'


    2 Irishmen find a mirror in the road. 1st 1 picks it up & says - I know this face but I cant put a name 2 it. 2nd 1 picks it up & says - u daft bastard its me!


    A ventriloquist is touring his act. Doing his show one night with his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde shouts, ive heard enough of your fukn stupid blonde jokes! What does the colour of a persons hair have to do with their worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep woman like me from being respected! The red faced ventriloquist begins to apologise, but the blonde shouts, you stay out of this mate its fuck al da do wiv u. Im talking to that wee wanker on your knee!


    recent survey has shown that 43% of women have used vibrators...
    The other 57% bought them new



    A Jewish woman says to her mother:"I'm divorcing Ralphie,all he ever wants is anal sex & my arsehole is now the size of a 50p piece when it used to be the size of a 5p ".Mother says:"You are married to a multi-millionaire,u live in an 8 bedroom mansion,u drive a Ferrari,u get a £2000 a week allowance & u take 6 holidays a year & u want to throw all that away for 45p?"


    After complaints, the makers of Cluedo have now included one black character. So now you only have to work out where and how he did it!


    Picture the scene......... Uniteds dressing room minutes before kick off in the derby & the reds are about to get their teamtalk. "Right lads I want 110% commitment from the word go against this blue shit. Remember how the bastards did us on the anniversery of Munich. If you dont win those cockney fuckers at chelsea will have 6 points on us. Now I don't care if u kick,punch or headbutt ure way 2 victory, u must win this. Good luck".
    Then Fergie walks in & says "Thanks ref,I'll take it from here".



    It hasn't taken hollywood long to find a replacement for Patrick Swayze,It's the Indian porn star., Dirty Dan Singh.


    Final question at a pub quiz in Glasgow last night...."And the final question to win the £200 is;
    Take Thats first album consisted of four words, the first two were "Take That" but what were the second two?
    There was a long pause then a wee Glasgow man pipes up with...
    Was it "Ya Cunt"...?



    Tom visits Dave who's laid up at home with a broken leg.
    Dave says "Me feet are freezing mate, can you nip upstairs and get my slippers?"
    "No probs" says Tom.
    Upstairs Dave's stunning 19 year old twin daughters are sitting on their bed.
    "Hello girls, your Dad sent me to shag you two."
    "Fuck off you liar!" they said.
    "I'll prove it." said Tom and he shouts downstairs
    "Both of them Dave?"
    "Of course! What's the point of fuckin one?!"



    Looks like jade will have a brilliant christmas this year michael jackson for entertainment, keith floyd for food and patrick swayze for the last dance!


    I was having great sex the other day when just as we got towards the climax my wife completly ruined the moment and said those three words that just fills a mans heart with fear...."Honey Im home"..


    Lady goes to doctors with a green rash on her inner thighs. The Doctor. looks, grins and says "Are you a lesbian?" The lady says "Yes!" Dr. says "Well tell your girlfriend her earrings aren't gold!"


    A Man in hospital wearing an oxygen mask Asks a nurse "are my testicles black" .The Nurse replies Im only here to take your blood pressure. The Bloke struggles to speak thru his mask and repeats "r my testicles black". The Nurse very embarrased takes his willy in one hand and examines his bits with the other. SheTells him its all ok. The Bloke now breathless and sporting a hard on removes his oxygen mask and repeats " ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK ?" x


    As he was a witness to the rape of his mother Jordan by a mystery celebrity, police have asked Harvey to draw a sketch of the man responsible.
    Mr Messy's lawyers have flatly denied that their client is responsible for the rape, and any likeness is purely coincidental and probably down to the fact that Harvey is a blind dope that can't draw.
    Who were you when you thought you where you was?. Whats a matter for can't you want to?

  16. #76
    DF VIP Member
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    Default Re: The Crank Number 07592925650

    Paddy's girlfriend gets a tattoo of a sea shell on the top of her inner thigh.Paddy thinks it's Fuckin amazing b'cause if you put your ear on to it you can actually smell the sea.


    Talk about Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder...
    I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan.
    Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her.
    Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head so I shot her


    I had a mate who was suicidal. He was very depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.


    paddy takes his goldfish back complaining it suffers from epilepsy,shop owner says it looks calm enough to me,paddy says u av'nt taken it out the fuckin bowl yet.


    A girl on reception see's her boss's pants unzipped. She tells him "Boss your garage door is open" The boss smiled & said "can u see my Ferrari?" "No" she said "just a small scooter with 2 flat tyres."


    My wife says that I never do anything to 'take her breath away anymore'
    I've chucked her inhaler in the bin now, that should do the trick !


    An Amish boy n his dad r in a shopping centre when they come accross a lift . Having never seen one before , they both stand and watch in amazement as a fat old lady gets in . They continue 2 watch as the small , circular numbers on the wall light up sequentialy . They r still watching it when it reaches the last number , then the numbers begin 2 light in reverse order . Finaly , the lift doors open up again and a gorgeous , leggy blonde steps out . The father turns 2 his boy and quietly whispers , ' Son , go and get ur mother ' .


    I've got gammon flu. I originally had swine flu so I went to hospital and they cured me


    Just got back from the hospital. They reckon I might have 'pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis'. but it's hard to say.


    My wife just found out she was adopted. She was devastated, and kept asking "Why didnt they want me?". I took her in my arms and comforted her. After a while, still crying, she kissed me and asked me 2 make love 2 her, which led to even more tears........on reflection banging her up the hoop & shouting "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!" was a little insensitive i guess!


    I hate having to crush my grans pills up and put them in her dinner,I feel sneaky but would never forgive myself if I got her pregnant.


    They've just had to cancel the panto Jack and the Beanstalk in Kensington Liverpool because the giant can't smell any fuckin English men!


    Beach bar owners in samoa have said that business has been slow since the tsunami but now the regulars are starting to drift back in..


    TRUE FRIENDSHIP- NONE OF THAT SISSY CRAP.
    1. When u r sad-- i will help u get drunk + plot revenge on the bastard who made u sad.
    2. When u r blue-- i will try 2 dislodge whatever is choking u.
    3. When u smile-- i will know ur thinking of something that i would probably want 2 be involved in.
    4. When u r sick- stay the fuck away from me until u r well again. I dont want it.
    5. When u fall-- i will laugh at your clumsy arse, but i'll help u up.
    6. This is my oath....'why?' Because u r my mate.
    Send this to 10 friends,then get depressed because u can only think of 4!


    Little Asian boy in class got sent to the naughty corner. 10 minutes later the little twat had opened a tuck shop!


    Paddy and Mick were out hunting in Canada and managed to shoot a moose.As they were dragging the animal back to the truck they were stopped by a Ranger.He asked if they had a permit and when they showed him their hunting license he told them to carry on.
    ' Just a word of advice for you guys,you'll find it easier to pull the moose by the horns instead of the tail ' said the Ranger.
    Paddy and Mick thanked him and after five minutes Paddy said to Mick, ' It is a lot easier pulling the moose by the horns but have you noticed we seem to be getting further away from the truck.

    Paddy goes into Superdrug & asks "Have you got K.Y.Jelly?" The assistant says "No, have you tried Boots?" Paddy says "I want to slide in, not fuckin march in!


    Little julie gets her first period. Uncomfortable with talking to her parents she decides to ask little johnny. So she whips up her skirt and shows him her bleeding fanny. Johnny scratches his chin and finally says, i'm no expert but it looks like someone's ripped your bollocks off!


    A nurse walks into a bank exhausted after a 20hr shift. She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket & tries to write a cheque with it. She looks at the cashier & says "Well! Thats great, thats really fucking great! Some arsehole's got my pen!"


    I bet Dale Winton and Graham Norton must be shitting themselves. Not because of the recent spate of gay deaths but because their arseholes must be massive.


    Jack was dying. His wife Becky was by his bedside."Becky" he said in a tired voice."There's something I must confess."
    "Shhh. There's nothing to confess. Everything's all right."
    "No I must die in peace. I shagged your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
    "I know," whispered Becky "That's why I poisoned you, you cunt! Now close your eyes."


    Boy comes in from school & tells his Dad, he's got a part in the school play. "What part have you got?" His Dad asks. "I play the part of a man who's been married for 25yrs." His Dad replies: "Never mind Son, you might get a speaking part next time."


    The qualities u dnt want in a girlfriend
    Brash.
    Ungratefull
    Condesending
    Kindless
    Egotistical
    Tempremental
    Facious
    Argumentative
    Now it all
    Narky knickers
    Yap Yap Yap!

    In other words
    BUCKET FANNY


    I'm not normally suspicious, but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected his special resin into her crack...
    She hasn't even got a car.


    10 qualities of a perfect girlfriend:

    1. Truthful
    2. Intelligent
    3. Gentle
    4. Humble
    5. Tolerant
    6. Polite
    7. Understanding
    8. Sexy
    9. Smart
    10. Young

    In short:- T.I.G.H.T.P.U.S.S.Y

    All gately jokes

    What will stephen gatelys mother say when his coffin is lowerd into the ground...?
    Thats the cleanest hole he's been in for a while!!



    Stephen Gately died of a rare form of bird-flu, his husband said 'Its ironic. anyone who knew him, knew he hated birds, although he was fond of a cockatoo'


    Apparantly stephen gately chocked on a boyzbone


    Michael Jackson was dissapointed when Stephen Gately arrived in heaven. He thought god said someone was coming from the "boys-home".


    Steven gatley has sadly died while on holiday age 33. Early reports say he was on a bender.


    After the death of stephen gately in his spanish villa, stars of the screen have been paying tribute. Ronan Keating said he was gutted, louis walsh said he was devastated and michael barrymore said he was innocent.


    Make sure all chicken is fresh and well prepared and chew properly as stephen gately choked to death on some old cock last night


    The post mortem of steven gately revealed that he had dried fruit up his arse. Police think he's been date raped!


    Mystery surrounds the death of gay boyzone star steven gately. Possibly a food related incident as rumours suggest he may have got a bone lodged in his throat or choked on a faggot.


    There was a singerman called Stephen
    Who blew 10 cocks to make it even
    Though he swallowed away
    And he was an experienced gay
    He still ended up drowning in Semen



    There was a young man called gately,who said to his boyfriend now rape me,his fella was jeff and bummed him to death,and he hasnt been seen round lately!


    Steven gatley has asked for his ashes to be turned in to a curry so his boyfriend can feel him trickly out his arse one last time


    What's pink and goes round and round on a carousel?
    Steven gatley's suitcase...



    Apparently the death of stephen gatley came as a result of a conversation between god and jacko. God asked him what he wanted to make his new home in heaven a bit more like home to which jacko replied 'a little boy zone would be nice'.


    Stephen Gately's husband Andy Cowles said he had no idea he had died in his sleep until breakfast time the following morning.
    It was only then that he could feel that his sausage had gone cold.



    There was a wee singer called gately, who has'nt been singing much lately, after a bottle of rum and a cock up his bum, his trip to the sun ended fatally


    Police have revealed that Steven Gatley may have died of a boxing related injury, a Police spokesman said " he had taken a right pounding in the ring"


    The exact cause of Stephen Gately's death is yet to be established, but the Doctor on the scene, reported that his arsehole was 3 times the normal size .......... Police are lookin into it.
    Who were you when you thought you where you was?. Whats a matter for can't you want to?

  17. #77
    DF VIP Member Nikki's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Crank Number 07592925650

    frigging class ! cheers mate

  18. #78
    DF VIP Member stixson's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Crank Number 07592925650

    Brilliant jokes, thanks.
    I intend to live forever, or die trying.

  19. #79
    DF VIP Member
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    Default Re: The Crank Number 07592925650

    Fuckin hell, only went and swapped my michael jackson tickets for boyzone reunion tickets last week.
    Fucks sake.



    Women are magical creatures. They bleed without being injured, produce milk without eating grass & can even make a boneless piece of meat rock hard! X


    A Tramp walks into posh jewellers, pulls down his pants and starts fingering his arse. The shop assistant shouts "Get out you dirty bastard." The Tramp is furious, "Make your fuckin' mind up." and points to a sign in the window that reads 'COME INSIDE AND PICK YOUR RING IN COMFORT


    Man in hospital shits the bed and is too embarrassed to tel the nurses so he rolls it up into little balls and throws them around the ward. Next day his wife brings him a box of quality street. Wen she leaves he shouts to the other patients-anyone fancy a quality street!? The bloke in the end bed shouts back-no thanx pal, if they r anything like those maltesers u threw over yesterday, u can keep 'em!! :-)


    Manchester United have just named thier new sponsor. Magners. Nothing added but time!


    Man says to wife "You're the double of Cheryl Cole." She said "Do you think so?" He says "Aye, She's 8 stone and you're 16 stone you fat bitch!!


    A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged masculine features. And when she is on her period, she prefers a man doused in fucking petrol, set on fire, with scissors stuck in his fucking eyes and a cricket stump jammed up his bastard arse


    Wots the similarity between boyzone and asda? - they both get their fruits delivered from spain in a box!


    Joe & John are twin brothers who live in the same town. Joe owns a dilapidated old boat which sank the same day that John's wife died. A few weeks later a kindly old woman saw Joe & mistook him for John. ''I'm sorry about ur loss'' she said. ''Thank you but I'm sorta glad to be rid of her,she was a rotten oul thing anyway. Her bottom was all shrivelled & she smelt of dead fish,she had a bad crack in the back & a pretty big one in the front too. She was bulging out everywhere in her oul age. Every time i used her she leaked & dribbled & her oul hole got bigger. I think what finally finished her off was when I rented her out to 4 lads looking for a good time. The fools tried to get in her all at once & she split right up the middle!!!''


    By far the best engine in the world is the fanny. It pulls anything, takes any size piston, self lubricates, starts with 1 finger & every 4 weeks does its own oil change....... It's just a pity the management system is so fucking tempermental!


    Paddy caught his wife having an affair. So decided to kill her & himself. He puts a gun to his head, looks at wife & says dont laugh cos ur next' !


    There's a new craze in pubs. Girls are putting vodka jelly up their viginas and having blokes suck it out with straws. Police and health authorities are now worried about the effects of minge drinking.


    Ha ha wot's that big hill called near anfield? Oh yeah kill a man for a giro
    Who were you when you thought you where you was?. Whats a matter for can't you want to?

  20. #80
    DF VIP Member
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    Default Re: The Crank Number 07592925650

    Is there any chance you could do me a massive favour? I know loads of people have probably asked you and I know I'm really taking the piss but if there is any chance could you lend me your face for halloween?


    Alex Ferguson is fuming! He is demanding the game against liverpool should be replayed "the ref never added on the 60 minutes for when the clocks went back!"


    Jordan has told her new fella that she wants an all white wedding...
    He said "Suits me that Harvey gives me the creeps".



    According to the BBC website "Curry spice kills cancer cells".
    When did a pakistani join the spice girls?



    Johnny and his dad went to London to see the Queen. The times to visit her were 11oclock or 2oclock,so they decided to go at 11. Johnny wore his liverpool shirt, there was another boy there with a everton top on. The Queen went to the boy with the everton top and bent down and was talkin 2 im, she ignored Johnny. His dad said dont be upset we will go and buy a everton top and come back at 2. Sure enough the Queen came right over, & whispered " I thought i told you to fuck off ! "


    The Portuguese police have announced they have suspended the search for Madeline while they look for the Everton defence !


    My batterys gunna die any min, can u ring me on this num wen uve got a sec +442078377324
    i need a favour! X



    Talk about fuckin' Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder...
    I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan.
    Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her.
    Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a fuckin' towel wrapped round her head so I shot the cunt!!



    A guy at work just returned from holiday in spain very dissapointed at being barred from the family pool just because the s came off his speedos


    Out in time for Xmas........ Decomposure, the new fragrance by Jade Goody.


    Don't forget to put your clocks back!. I'm turning mine back to the 1920's when we didn't have any fuckin' immigrants


    Sorry not been in touch. I have been in france taking part in a strawberry crushing competition . I came 2nd. The woman with no legs won it ... Jammy cunt!


    Man gets home, tells wife
    'Get me a beer before it starts'
    he drinks it then says
    'Quick get me another before it starts'
    again she gets it he drinks it & says
    'another before it starts'
    She says
    'Listen here you lazy fat cunt, you walk in, sit down & start barking orders...
    He says 'Fuck me it's started'



    Wife comes home early & catches hubby havin a wank in kitchen.
    She rushes over & gives him the blow job of his life. After it he asks..'We havnt had sex for 6 mths & suddenly this! Why?
    She answers...l just washed the floor this Morning. Id rather brush my teeth than clean the floor again!!



    *Newsflash* Last nite in liverpool city centre, Pete Price was almost knocked over as he ran at break neck speed towards Stanley Street.., Apparently Mr Price heard that the Everton players were having thier arses smacked in Lisbon...:@


    I was watching 'Postman Pat' today and i thought to myself "what kind of role model is he for kids?"
    The fucking scab.



    The lad who is accused of throwing the beach ball onto the pitch at Liverpool's defeat to Sunderland has claimed it wasnt him as he was in bed in his hotel at the time.


    The local tramp approached me today and asked "Any change mate?". I said "No you're still a smelly cunt, now fuck off!".


    I managed to persuade my girlfreind to try Anal for the first time...
    I said "Don't worry, if it hurts too much you shout out a safety word. and I'll stop."
    She agreed and said "Ok then, what's the safety word?"
    To which I replied: "llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch"



    Just bought some sainsbury sausages. There's a picture of Jamie Oliver on the front. On the back it says 'prick with fork'.
    Cant argue with that!



    Policeman pulls a scouser over for having a dog in the front seat . As the policeman approaches the car he notices the scouser smack the dog over the head . The copper asks him . Why have you just hit the dog on the head. The scouser replies the bastard has just ate my tax disc!!


    A woman with a clipboard just knocked at my door, she asked me if we would have an Ethiopian child for christmas, we normally have a turkey but, fuck it, I'll try anything once.


    My wife is a dirty little minx, when I cum in her mouth she likes to gargle it, blow bubbles with it and then let it dribble out of her mouth, down over her cheeks and chin. She may be paralyzed but she sure knows how to enjoy herself


    2 men are at the opposite side of the world but are thinkin the exact same thing. One is walking a tightrope between 2 skyscrapers the other is having a blow job off an 85yr old woman.... What r they both thinking? . . .
    . . .

    . . .

    . . .

    Dont look down, dont look down, dont look down!




    To satisfy a woman:
    Praise her!
    Pamper her!
    Humour her!
    Cuddle her!
    Hold her tight!
    Kiss her!
    Phone her!
    Charm her!
    Romance her!
    Talk to her!
    Listen to her!
    Respect her!
    LOVE her!



    To satisfy a man:
    Suck his nob!



    Completely wasted a tenner on pay per view. Turns out 'Jordan - look at my dribbling cunt' was just a video of Harvey's birthday party.


    The heaviest penis ever recorded weighed 1.2kg. Nobody's ever weighed the biggest Fanny so if u could jump on the scales and text me back .......
    Cheers



    Chicken farmer is hiring....
    £9.00 an hour ...
    i told them about all your experience handling cocks and choking chickens and well.....you start on monday.



    Young gypsy girl sat with her mum the night before the wedding, mum says on your wedding night your hubby will want to stick his most prized possesion where you pee,,,,girl says why would he want to put his tarmac rake in the sink


    Dear Grim Reaper, so far this year u hav taken away my favourite celebrity Jade Goody, my favourite dancer Michael Jackson, my favourite actor Patrick Swayze & now my favourite singer Stephen Gateley. Just so u know, my favourite twins are John & Edward.


    Family sat at dinner table. Son asks "dad how many kinds of boobs are there?" Well son, a woman goes thro 3 phases - in her 20s theyre like melons, round + firm. In her 30-40s theyre like pears, still nice - but hangin a bit. After 50 theyre like onions. ONIONS? Yes son - u see them + they make u cry. This infuriated his wife + daughter, so daughter asks "mum how many types of willies are there? Well dear a man also goes thro 3 stages. In his 20s its like an oak tree - mighty + hard. In his 30-40s its like a birch - flexible but reliable. After 50 its like a xmas tree. A XMAS TREE? Yes dear - dead from the root up + the balls are just for decoration!


    Verdict on Steven Gately fluid on lungs. . . . . . . . . . . Not a spitter then.


    Don't u just hate people who knock on your door collecting 4 charity?
    I had one last night collecting 4 the Local Sperm bank. i gave her a Right Mouthful.....



    Got my first cage fight next week..that fucking budgie wont know whats hit it!


    Little Catholic Irish boy crying by the side of the road. A man asks "What's wrong son?" Boy says "Me ma just died!" "Oh jaysus" The man says "D'ya want me to get Father O'reilly? Little boy says "No thanks, sex is the last thing on me mind right now"
    Who were you when you thought you where you was?. Whats a matter for can't you want to?

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