The Crank Number 07592925650

[flanflinger]

A woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital on the operating table she had a near death experience Seeing God she asked Is my time up
God said No you have another 43 years 2 months to live on recovery the woman decided to stay in hospital and have a facelift liposuction breast implants a tumy tuck She even had her hair colourd and brighten her teeth ! o much more time to live she figured she might as well make the most of it
After her last operation she was released from the hospital While crossing a street on her way home she was killed by an ambulance
Arriving in front of God she demanded I thought you said I had another 43 years Why didn't you pull me from the path of the ambulance
God replied
I didn't fuckin recognize you!.

I was woken up this morning by a noise and a smell from downstairs.
I ran downstairs and seen my wife face down by the burning cooker. She wasn't breathing or responsive. I panicked. I mean, I... I didn't know what to do...
then I remembered...
McDonalds do breakfast till half 10

A cop pulls paddy over for speeding and asks have you been drinking sir? Paddy replies yes I've had about 18 pints, 2 bottles of wine, 6 barcadi and cokes. Cop says what the hell are you doing driving? Paddy replies I couldn't fuckin walk :-)

Met a girl in the park last night and there was an instant spark between us, a definite connection,her legs went to jelly and she fell at my feet !!
These taser guns are fuckin well worth the money !!

Whats the difference between a mosquito and a blond,
When u slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking.

Iraq drastically needs to reduce its car bomb footprint.

Yesterday, my mum asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party.That's when I realised he was the favourite twin.

90% of hoodies carry knifes... The other 10% are in Prison.

The pope dies and goes 2 heaven and is talking 2 god and god asks him what do u think of the house I have 4u? The pope looks at it and says that it is perfect and the garden is beautiful. He then notices the house beside it is painted red,white and blue with red hand of ulster flags hanging from every window and a picture of king billy over the door, he then hears the sash playing from within and says 2 god o no I hope im not living beside some biggot like ian paisley. God replies dont be stupid u fenian bastard thats my house.

The 'Erectus Trouserius' or the trouser snake is the world's most dangerous snake. Colour varies from pink to black. It's fangless, average length 5 - 6 inches (although some are said to reach 8 inches depending on honesty of it's owner) it appears usualy in bedrooms attacking women in the mouth or lower abdominal area, its highly venomous spit can cause swelling lasting 9 months! Some mutant species like yours are also known to attack men from behind.

I was in a pub last night when this gorgeous girl came up and stood next to me at the bar. She sniffed the air, then she looked at me,smiled and said "mmmm what have you got on?" , i said "i've got a hard-on but i didnt realise you could smell it!"

What gets longer when pulled, fits between your tits, inserts neatly in a hole & works best when jerked?
A seatbelt u pervert, buckle up & pass it on....!

Marriage is like a pack of cards. In the beginning all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond. By the end you'll wish you had a club and a spade!

Q. What's white and sticky and found on the wall of a prison cell?
A. George Michael's latest release.

My girlfriend broke up with me, saying that I was too kinky for her in the bedroom.
I nearly choked on her shit when she told me.

Just got out of A and E after having a sharp piece of metal removed from my head.Thinking about it, telling Abu Hamza to 'sling his hook' wasn't the cleverest thing I have ever done.

Prince Charles was visiting a nursing home. He asks a 93 year old lady, "have you been bed-ridden since you've been here?" she replies "a couple of times but i prefer being fucked up the arse on the sofa"
Me mum just rang me an told me she's got swelling on her tits, arse an fanny. I said
'Fuckin hell mum, thats too much inflammation!'

I went on a date with a beautiful, blond young woman last night, well it wasn't really a date.We watched a film, had dinner, and when she was sleeping, I had a sneaky wank over her.But apparently that wasn't 'acceptable' behaviour for an airplane..

I don't think people really understand how bad coca1ne actually is for you.It's definitely not to be sniffed at.

Mick is in court for a double murder. The judge says "you are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.'' Man at the back of the courtroom yells out "cunt!" The room goes silent, the judge continues "you are also charged with beating your wife's lover to death with a hammer." Again the man yells out "you fucking cunt!" The judge having enough, looks at the man and says "sir, I can understand your anger at this crime but I will have no more outbursts, if you have anything to say, say it now". The man gets up and says "for 15 years I lived next door to that bastard & everytime I asked to borrow a fuckin hammer he said he didn't have one!!!"

My mate reckons he's got six testicles.I said, 'that's a load of bollocks!'

3 Irishmen in a bar. Paddy says"My locals better than this, you buy 2 drinks and the 3rds free" Mick says, "Well in my local you buy 1 drink you get the 2nd free" Murphy says, "Thats nothin. In my local you buy the 1st drink, then the 2nd, 3rd, 4th,5th,6th & 7th are free. Then you go out the back and get shagged senseless." "WOW," says the other two, "Has that actually happened to you?" "No," says Murphy, "But it happened to my sister. !

My Wife has just gone into hospital with a black eye and a broken jaw. It appears we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio

A woman goes into a greengrocers and asks for a cucumber, he says whole or sliced? she says I've got a fanny not a fucking slot machine!

Got stopped in the street earlier by a market researcher who asked me what grooming products I used. Should have seen her face when I said 'Haribo and High School Musical'.

A woman is told she has only 24 hrs to live.
She tells her hubby & asks if they can make love one last time.
Crying & upset he agrees & they have mind blowing sex.
After 12 hrs she asks again & he gives her the best oral she has ever had.
4 hrs to go & she begs for one last go.
"FUCK OFF" he said. "I'M NOT BEING FUNNY BUT I HAVE TO GET UP IN THE MORNING..YOU DON'T"

I just bought a memory stick for the wife.
She hasn't forgotten my beer once.......since the first beating

What do George Michael and Chilean miners have in common ?
Both will be out after eight weeks of drilling.

Not saying Coleen Rooney is as thick as Wayne but when she heard he'd paid £1200 for a 19 year old Escort, she asked if it was taxed and mot'd !

Anyone else want to see the Stig do a lap in the Popemobile ?

Whats six inches long and hangs between a prisoners legs ... George michaels goatie

My english teacher just told me that my grammar is shit.
I said 'well your grandads a twat'

Was asked to go and see my ex girlfriend today. 1 thing lead 2 another and we ended up havin sex. Police weren't 2 pleased. I was only meant to be identifying the body.

My girlfriend keeps complaining that I'm always pushing her about and talking behind her back.What does she expect, she's in a fucking wheelchair.

George Michael has been found with a chocolate bar up his arse. A prison spokesman said it was a careless wispa!!

I accidently used super glue as lube last night.I told my girlfriend not to tell anybody as it was an embarrassing mistake.Her lips are sealed.

I got really addicted a few years ago. Now, each week without fail I'll use my credit card and do about 3 lines of the stuff. I don't know how I'd get by without it. At first it gets me all really excited and anxious, but leaves me feeling used and low.Bloody Lottery!

My granny caught me wanking the other night. She was so shocked she had a stroke!
Such lovely, soft hands....

Little Johnny's Teacher says - whoever can answer the following questions can have a half day from school.
Who said "...ask not what your country can do for you" - before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy shouts "John F Kennedy"
Teacher says "very good, Nancy, you can go"
Teacher asks "who said - I have a dream" - before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary shouts - "Martin Luther King"
Teacher says very good Mary, you can go"
Johnny is raging & just as teacher turns her back Johnny says "I wish those bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut"
Teacher looks & says "who said that"
Johnny replies "Wayne rooney - see you tomorrow"

News Today ..'Wayne Rooney in new escort girl scandal' ....'The shame and publicity means my partner may never forgive me', said the pr0stitute.

I hate my supervisor. Behind her desk, it says, "You don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps!."
Mind you, she's written it in her own shit.

Josef Fritzl is delighted that his sentence has been reduced to 100 hours community service.He has been ordered to spend it teaching Gerry McCann how to lock a fucking door.

I was offered a new job and a chance to work at the airport scanner...Guy said you can look at fannies all day!I said I already do I'm a steward at Anfield!

Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music...

All men marry a nymphomaniac. problem is after a few months, The nympho leaves but the fucking maniac stays !

[ilscuro]

Awesome, cheers mate

[Nightstalker]

Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music...

PMSL @ that 1

[flanflinger]

A young teenaged girl was a pr0stitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of pr0stitutes, including the young girl. The pr0stitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. ~~~Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear? " Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. ~~~"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the pr0stitutes. ~~~When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. ~~~"But you're so old... how do you do it? " ~~~Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry! "

BREAKING news:The chairman of the Indian Commonwealth games has just tried to hang himself.But the ceiling collapsed!

John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, & Paul Newman, were sitting around a camp fire, discussing who was the hardest. Eastwood say's i killed a bear with my bare hand's. Newman say's i wrestled 2 adult croc's gouged both8their eyes out & killed them both. John Wayne just sat there saying nothing, poking the fire with his cock.

Archie and Jock are discussing Jocks wedding. "Jock says its all going well i've got everything organised, I even bought a kilt to be married in." Archie says "that's good, what's the tarten?" Jock says "I imagine she'll be in white."~

Body builder takes off shirt and blonde says what a great chest you have, he says, thats 100 lbs of dynamite baby. He takes off his pants and she says, what great thighs you have. He says, thats 100 lbs of dynamite baby. He then removes his underwear, and the blonde runs out of the room. He runs after her and asks why she ran, she says, i was afraid to be near all that dynamite when i saw how short the fuse was!

Nun goes into confessional and say's to the priest "l'm pregnant", he asks how this could happen and she says "l think it must b the 2nd coming" and the priest shocked by this reply asks "what makes u think it was the 2nd coming", she replied "cos l swallowed the first lot.!!!"

Girl has baby..., midwife says... 'it's black!.... girl says.... 'I needed money so I did a porn film... leading man was black.' Midwife says.' He's got blonde hair.' ' Well the other leading man was blonde.' midwife says,' he's got slanted eyes.' 'Er the other leading man was Chinese'... midwife slaps baby and he cries..., 'thank God for that,' said the girl, 'I thought he was going to bark !

I've heard supermarkets secretly waft the smell ov their bakery around the store to encourage u to buy bread I can only come to the conclusion my local corner shop is trying to sell more toilet rolls.

Have you seen how fat Ricky Hatton is recently? The cunt should have tried diet coke!

The Pope bought 100 cases of Glenfiddich Scotch whisky today...because the salesman told him,'it's a cheeky little twelve year old that goes down well!'

What do u call a mexican peeping tom ?
Senor minge ...

Went to see a psychic last weekend and she told me I'd be coming into money. Last night I shagged a girl called Penny! Spooky eh ?

Whats the difference between Brussels sprouts and pubic hair? None. U just push them 2 the side and carry on eating...

Wife comes home early & catches hubby having a wank in the kitchen. She rushes over & gives him the blow job of his life. After it he says...'We havnt had sex for 6 mths & suddenly this! Why?' She answers...l only washed the floor this morning. I'd rather brush my teeth than clean the fuckin floor again!

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, ~~~"Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions. " He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation? " The woman replies, "I'm a whore. " The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that. " The woman, "OK, I'm a pr0stitute. ". "No, that is still too crude. Try again. " They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer. " The accountant asks, ~~~"What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a pr0stitute? ". "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year. "

Sitting in a bar last night, some fella was in there with a black top on, black shorts on and a whistle in is mouth, and i thought to myself, he's gonna kick off in a minute!

Everton just got another 3 points coach driver went through red lights.

3 men with speech impediments are in therapy. Therapist is blonde, petite and fit as fuck. She says "If you can tell me where you live without stuttering, I'll suck your cock and you can cum in my mouth".
The 1st one stammers "BBBirmingham", 2nd one stammers "MMManchester". The 3rd one, a paddy, stands up composes himself and says "London". She gets his cock out and gives him the best blow job he had ever had. As he cums he sighs "dddderry"!!

I must have really pissed off my wife when I tried erotic asphyxiation on her when we were having sex. She's been lying there for five days now, giving me the silent treatment.

"dogs, filthy apartments, piles of rubble lying around ,roof collapsing." The Commonwealth games in Delhi - Officially twinned with Birkenhead.

Having just met Susan Boyle and Michelle Mcmanus the pope has said hes not the least bit surprised his priests are shagging young boys!

2 women talking.
'Do u look @ ur husband's face when u have sex?'
'I did once & he looked really angry.'
'Why angry?'
'Because he was watching from the fucking window.'

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him doing a sexy striptease to a large red piece of machinery...Mick sais "what da feck are ya doing Paddy?"..Paddy replies "well me and Mary haven't been getting on lately and the therapist recommended i do something sexy to a tractor"

Two old ladies outside the nursing home having a smoke. it starts to rain. One of them pulls out a condom and cuts off the end, and puts it over her cigarette. Whats that asks her friend. A condom it keeps my cigarette dry. you can buy them from a chemist. Next day her friend hobbles into the chemist and asks for a box of condoms. The embarrassed chemist asks which brand? It doesn't matter son as long as it fits a camel..

On a recent job application, the form said'If you could give our business a new slogan, what would it be?'So I wrote, 'Pigs Might Fly'.I didn't get the job with the Police helicopter unit.

My wife asked me if she made me happy in bed."Yeah," I said, "I love that trick you do with your mouth.""Which one?" she said."The one where you shut it and fuck off to sleep." I replied.

My girlfriend self harms...Its funny when she goes out drinking... She has 8 pints of Stella and beats herself up.

How do you stop a dog humping your leg? Pick it up and suck its cock.

A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to himstarts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"

[drdude]

Brilliant thanks for keeping this going flanflinger!

[flanflinger]

No worries matey... its just all the jokes I am sent weekly by mates and randoms on text... some are a bit too bad to put on here so I have to just bin them

[flanflinger]

Golf called off.....there's a sight you dont often see, Tiger Woods walking away from a wet hole

If a schizophrenic kills themselves is it suicide or murder?

Me and my mate went into a pub, and, as we were hungry we started eating the sandwiches we bought from Tesco."Oi!" said the barman, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here."So me and my mate swapped sandwiches.

What's worse than a cardboard box?Paper tits.

Paddy o'Sanchez, 1 of the miners trapped underground in Chile, is reported to be extremely pissed off as he has just been told that he had forgot to clock-in

Q: How do the police know that Fred West's victims were female?A: They were all wearing foundation.

Went into Tescos the other day and saw a man and a women wrapped in barcode. i asked 'are you guys an item?

Sex with my wife was becoming predictable so I hired a saxophonist to play at the foot of our bed..You know, just to jazz it up a bit..

Taking it on the Chin: The act of using a Chinese person as a shield.

I said to the Mrs 'When i die i'm going to leave everything to you.' She said 'You do anyway you lazy fat cunt

Young lad comes home from school sporting 2 black eyes, dad says how did you get them? Boy says a boy hit me with a lump of wood. You should have stood up to him says his dad, didnt you have anything in your hands? Boy says yes, his girlfriends tits.

Absolutely disgusted.."A food production company has been fined nearly £17,000 after a man found a dead mouse in a loaf of bread as he made sandwiches for his children."
...What the fuck was the man doing making sandwiches?

A tit, a pussy and an arsehole are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them. Tit: I give milk to new born babies and am attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!! Pussy: I give birth to new born's and am able to accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!! Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn now--- Say something..........!!!

t night I got kicked shitless by this 7ft tall black man with a massive affro hairstyle... All I said was golly you're tall.

I'm a dyslexic and Swindon was my idea.

Why do you hold a hamster by it's tongue?To stop it turning inside out when you withdraw

A boss asks his secretary "Do u kno the difference between a caesar salad and a blow-job" ?
"No", says the secretary
"Great, lets do lunch" the boss says !

The heaviest penis ever recorded weighed 1.2kg. Nobody's ever weighed the biggest cunt so if u could jump on the scales and text me back ....... Cheers

i went to see a fortune teller last week. she said soon ill be coming into money. last night i shagged a bird called penny .

Ardoyne was evacuated today after the discovery of a suspicious package. Close examination by the security forces revealed that it was a payslip.

A recent report says that 60% of 14 year old girls in Liverpool go binge drinking . Thats fuckin terrible ! Who's looking after their kids ?.

[BFG]

There's some corkers in there Flan, had me creased

[flanflinger]

if anyone is interested there is document available with all the REALLY sick jokes people send.. just pm me and I will send it on... these are not for the faint at heart though... they break every DF rule and can not be posted on here.

[shadygeezer]

brill :

[flanflinger]

X FACTOR FANS !!
If your missing Gamu.
Don't worry !!
From next Wednesday you'll be able to sponsor her for £3 a month !! ;-)


Fuckin hate it when my finger accidently pokes through the shithouse paper mid wipe.
Other than that, I really enjoy my new job at the old folks home..


A man goes to a pharmacy and asks for some viagra, the nurse says 'i need some medical proof that you need it' the man says 'here's a photo of my wife'


Believe it or not. Woman has Man in it. Mrs has Mr in it. Female has Male in it. She has He in it. Madam has Adam in it. No wonder men always want 2 be inside women! Men were born between the legs ofa woman, yet men spend all their life & time tryin 2 go back between the legs of a woman! Why? BECAUSE THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME!! Ever notice how all women's problems start with MEN? MENtal illness MENstrual cramps MENtal breakdown MENopause GUYnecologist And... When we have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy!


Bloke gets a job in a maternity unit. He was asked 2 bath a manc baby.The Nurse walks in 2 see him moving the baby round the bath with a stick. "U dont bath a baby using a stick" said the nurse. He replied "U do when the waters this fucking hot!"


Paddy says to Mick, "i love shaggin birds with tourettes" Mick replies, "why" Paddy says, "cos the neighbours think i'm fuckin amazin in bed"


Whoever said woman are better at multi-tasking is talking bollocks.....
I told my missus to sit down and shut up and she couldn't do either!


Paddy finds a sandwich with 2 red wires stickin out of it, He phones the police & says 'Bejesus, i've found a sandwich dat looks like a feckin bomb' The operator asks, 'Is it tickin?' Paddy says, 'No,i tink it's Beef!


An innocent Irish girl says
"My hands're freezin"
Her mum replies
"Put em between your legs, that'll warm em up"
Next day she's with her boyfriend.
He says
"My hands're freezin"
so she says
"Put em between my legs, it'll warm em up"
Then he says
"My penis is frozen"

Later the girl asks her mum
"Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Mum says
"Yes, why?"
daughter replies,
"Don't they make a fuckin' mess when they defrost?"


I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen. Ungrateful fuckers. All I said was 'hurry up for fucks sake - some of us have homes to go to!'


School girl says, "Mummy, I know where babies come from!" Mum replies, "Where's that then darling?" Girl says, "Mummy & Daddy take their clothes off & Daddy's thingy sort of sticks out & Mummy puts it in her mouth & sucks it & that's how u get babies!" Shaking her head, Mum says, "Oh darling that's so sweet, but that's not how we get babies, that's how we get flowers, jewellery, clothes, shoes & alll the decorating done"!


Man goes to a hypnotherapist as he can't get a hard on. Hypnotist does his stuff & tells him when you say 1 2 3 you will get a permanent erection. When your wife can take no more, she must say 1 2 3 4. But beware, your dick will not get hard for another year! The man rushes home grabs his wife and shouts 1 2 3 and gets a huge erection! His wife says what did you say 1 2 3 for?


Paddy tells mick hes thinkin of gettin a labrador. Feck off says mick, have you seen how many of their owners go blind


Its been announced that liverpool fc av been refused permission 2 build a new stadium on stanley park. The council sed a fair every year is ok, but a circus every 2 weeks is taking the piss!!


Two mexicans lost in the desert. They see a tree in the distance draped with juicy bacon. Miguel says "Look Pepe, ees a bacon tree, we're saved!" Miguel runs to the tree but b4 he gets there is shot down in a hail of bullets. With his last breath, he shouts "Run amigo! Ees no bacon tree, ees a ham bush"


A new report out today says that sucking cock too much can leave you with speech problems. Now i understand why you only ever text.


My wife said that my penis closely resembles a tic-tac. She was proud of her remark, until i knocked her down a peg or two when I asked "well how come your sister still has bad breath?"


Little Johnny jumps on a bus and sits immediately behind the driver. Johnnie starts chanting at the top of his voice "If my mammy was a cow and my daddy was a bull then I'd b a calf...if my mammy was a ewe and my daddy was a ram then I'd be a lamb...if my mammy was a mare and my daddy was a stallion then I'd b a foal... If my mammy was a sow and my daddy was a boar then I'd b a piglet...". The bus driver was getting fed up and said 2 Johnnie "and if ur mammy was a fucking pr0stitute and ur daddy was a fucking wanker then what wud u b?". Johnnie replied without a blink "Then I'd b a fucking bus driver".


Doctor went fishing one afternoon & not wanting 2 close his clinic left his assistant Paddy in charge. Doc came back & asked paddy "how did u get on?" paddy says, "I had 3 patients, 1st had a headache so I give her paracetamol." "good man" says doc. "2nd had indigestion so I gave her gaviscon." "well done." said doc. "3rd was a young gorgeous woman who burst in 2 the room, took off all her clothes & lies on the table, spreads her legs & shouts "Please please help me, i havn't seen a man in 5 years!"" "Mother of God, pad! what did u do?" asks the doctor, . . Paddy says
"I put drops in her eyes!!"


Have u ever looked at the big 4's club badges ??
A lion, sign ov bravery on chelsea's crest
a cannon, a strong pwerful team is symbolised on arsenal's crest
a devil the most feared symbol man-utd wear on there shirt
and liverpool...???
A fuckin chicken......


A man who hasn't had an erection for ages decides 2 try a method he's read about in an old medical book.
It involves placing his finger in a woman's vagina then rubbing it around his nose.
So that night, when his wife's asleep, he dips his finger in her fanny, feels how nice & wet it is, then rubs it around his nose.
Instant erection!!
He wakes his wife & says "Look at this!"
She replies "U woke me up just 2 show me u've got a nosebleed?!"


My wife came home to find me in bed with a young attractive blonde girl.
She said, "What the fuck are you doing?"
I replied, "We are just practicing our golf swings."
She then said, "That's a stupid answer!"
I said, "Well that was a stupid question."


Young lad comes home from school sporting 2 black eyes, dad says how did you get them? Boy says a boy hit me with a lump of wood. You should have stood up to him says his dad, didnt you have anything in your hands? Boy says yes, his girlfriends tits!


Joke of the year!....... Two women were sitting together minding their own business.


Was playing FIFA 11 on Xbox 360 this morning and put my ENTIRE Liverpool team up for sale. Shortly afterwards I had to call Microsoft to see what kind of cover I have on my console because it went into meltdown with all the laughter coming from club chairmen and agents around the virtual football world?!


Aren't blow up dolls great? I mean, where else can you find a woman that always looks shocked at the size of your cock!


Two punks shagging in bed with the stereo on, girl punk asks is this johnny rotten? the boy punk says no I've only used it 4 times.


Doctor, lawyer and priest on a sinking ship.
'Save the kids!' yells the doc,
'Fuck the kids!' yells the lawyer.
'Do we have time?' asks the priest...!


While snooping in my wife's secret diary, I was excited to read about her fantasies about dirty rough sex with anal. Then I remembered she is dyslexic.And my best mate is called Alan.


Paddy goes into wetherspoons and asks a member of bar staff how much the cocktails are! She says, four pounds a glass and ten pounds for a pitcher! Paddy says, why would i want my photo taken with a fucking drink!


Blind man walks into a bar, picks up a empty glass and smells inside to which he replys "hmmm bitter, il have one of them please", amazed the barman pours his pint. the next day the blindman comes into the bar and picks up another empty glass and says "hmmm lagar, il have one of them please", so the barman pours him his pint. the day after the barman decides to play a little trick and tells maureen his barmaid to rub her pussy all over a empty glass. later on the blind man walks in and picks up the empty glass, smells it and says "Fuck off you havent got maureen working behind the bar"


I bought the missus a gas mask for her birthday. I'ts fucking great when she puts it on to have sex. There are three distinctive advantages. She looks better, ì can't smell her bad breath and... when i block off the air inlet, she moves her fucking hips like a 16 year old !


Once the chilean miners have been freed they r being invited to anfield and goodison they will be advisin roy hodgson+and dave moyes on how to get out of the hole they are in before xmas


Interesting Human Body Facts- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is the male sperm.- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball (a bit bigger than a cricket ball).- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.- Women blink twice as much as men.- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.*** You looked at your thumb... Didn't you?


Torres and gerrard were talking in the dressing room when hodgson walked in, "Hey boss have you ever tweeted said torres?" "Yes", said hodgson "I've just tweeted the evertwonians to a gweat weekend!"


Cheryl Cole, louis Walsh & Simon Cowell are walking along the street when Cheryl trips, falls forward and jams her head in some railings. Simon, quick as a flash pulls her knickers down, and bangs her senseless from behind. Slapping her tight little arse he turns to Louis and says "Your turn" Louis starts crying. "What's wrong ?" says Simon. Louis sobs "My head wont fit in the railings !"


FINALLY THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:
Q.1)WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMANS NIPPLE FOR?
A.ITS BRAILLE FOR SUCK HERE.
Q.2)WHAT IS AN AUSTRAILIAN KISS?
A.ITS LIKE A FRENCH 1 BUT DOWN UNDER.
Q.3)WHY ARE HURRICANES NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A.BECAUSE WHEN THEY CUM THEY ARE WET AND WILD.BUT WHEN THEY GO THEY TAKE YOUR HOUSE AND CAR WITH THEM.
Q4)WHY DO GIRLS RUB THERE EYES WHEN THEY WAKE UP?
A.BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO BALLS TO SCRATCH.
Q5)WHAT IS A MANS ULTIMATE EMBARASSMENT?
A.RUNNING INTO A WALL WITH AN ERECTION AND BREAKING HIS NOSE.
PASS ON TO PEOPLE WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR.


Paddy went to the doctors complaining of a bad back, the doc says how did you do it. Having sex doggie fashion said paddy .....why dont you try the normal position? I have said paddy but the dog keeps licking my face!


GEORGE MICHAEL HAS JUST BEEN PUT IN CHARGE OF THE PRISON PANTO ITS A VERSION OF THE WIZARD OF OZ ITS CALLED SWALLOW THE YELLOW THICK LOAD!


Man naked, looks in the mirror and says 2 his wife "Why do i always get a hard on when i look at myself?"
Wife says "Coz even your cock thinks ur a cunt!"


A hunter shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun, several hours later lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor "The good news is you are going to be okay, The bad news is there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your penis so i'm going to have to refer you to my sister. "Is she a plastic surgeon ?" replies the hunter "No says the doctor "She's a flute player. She will teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your face."


My wife and I have completely different standards when it comes to housework. When cleaning the toilet, she wipes the seat, bleaches and scrubs the bowl, flushes, bleaches once more and leaves for half an hour before finally flushing again.
When I clean the toilet, I just piss as hard as possible on the shit stains.


A man and his son from a third world country were standing in a shopping centre beside an elevators doors amazed as they haven't seen one before, watching the two doors open and close the boy says to his Father "Whats that, Daddy?" The man replies "I have no idea."Standing there gazing at the two open doors they see an old woman rolling into the elevator in her wheelchair, the doors close.The two stand there and wait the doors to open again, the doors open and out comes a tight fit 20 year old woman. The man quickly glances at the woman and says to his son, "Go get your mother!"


So a retard from an asylum calls for a shrink."You have to help me, my roommate is annoying the fuck out of me""Well, what does he do, that's so annoying?" asked the shrink."He never sleeps and is constantly screaming!""That's pretty basic, he's a retard, what'd you expect""He also sticks his fingers into an electrical outlet every single night!""Well, that is odd, but I've seen much worse""And whilst doing that he yells 'I'm a lamp! I'm a lamp!' ""... Anything else?""No, I just can't sleep with the bloody lights on"


Idea for a reality TV show - Vacate the area where the miners will emerge, simulate a nuclear holocaust and film their reactions..

[flanflinger]

This Weeks Installment... enjoy!!!

This is yet to be confirmed by scientific evidence. However, if the rumours are correct women have a certain 'spot', and if you hit this spot at exactly the right pace and angle, it will turn her to jelly and you will be able to do anything you want to her.
It's called her fucking chin!!!

u wont hear from me for a while, mate. Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables so I need to lilo

Chilean miner making love to his wife for first time since release. 'can we switch the lights off?'. 'Of course honey'. 'can i have u from behind?'. 'anything u want my brave boy'. 'ok, can I call u Pedro? '

At first I thought the sunglasses and counselling being offered to the Chilean miners was a bit OTT - can spending months in a deep, dark, smelly hole really leave you blind and with mental problems? Then I remembered Harvey Price.

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat, the thieving cunts!, fucking Oxfam can supply a whole village of niggers for just £2 a month, time to change supplier i think!

Last night, I went down on my girlfriend's mum & got my tongue stud snagged on her genital piercing. Talk about PANIC?!!
....I was in a right old flap!!!

Fucking British Rail are full off shit, a sign said "If you stand too close to the edge you might get sucked off"...
Five fucking hours i stood there... :-)

I just asked my niece what she wants for her birthday. she said ''I want a Barbie and an Action Man'' I told her ''Barbies comes with Ken'' she replied ''No she comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken''

SEX AT 75!
I just took a leaflet out of my letterbox informing me that I can have sex at 75! I'm so happy because I live at 67 so its not far to walk home afterwards

Just got back from the world erection championships, managed to reach the semi's!

A young Arab asks his father: - What is this weird hat that we are wearing - Why, it's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun! - And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing - It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body! - And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet? - These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!? - Tell me, papa? - Yes, my son?- Then, why the fuck are we living in Bradford

Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. Next day the farmer said, Sorry Paddy, the donkey died. Paddy replied, No problem, ill have my money back. The farmer said, ive spent it. Paddy said, Ok then, bring me the dead donkey. Farmer asked, What are you going to do with it? Paddy said, Im going to raffle him off. Farmer said, You cant raffle a dead donkey! Paddy said, Watch me.. I just wont tell anybody hes dead. A month later, the farmer met Paddy and asked, What happened to the dead donkey? Paddy said, I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 a piece and made a profit of £898.00. The farmer said, Didnt anyone complain? Paddy said, Just the cunt that won, So I gave him his two pound back. ;-).

Shagged my best mates girlfriend last night and now i feel terrible. She must've given me a cold or something.

Today my wife brought me home a tub of ice cream and asked if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked. To which she cheekily replied "As hard as ur cock when ur thinking about me naked" I said "Go on then pour me some"....

Never seen so many minors come out of the ground since fred wests patio was dug up

I bought the wife a new pair of Liverpool FC knickers from the club shop.A sound investment, two yanks and they are down.

Do you hate people that answer their own questions? I know i do

I was alone with the girlfriend's dog last night. Feeling a bit horny I got some Marmite out to see if the old "dog licking" trick would work.Such a disappointment - he couldn't get an erection.

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed. 'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man. 'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free! 'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand. 'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife. The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

statistically 132% of people exaggerate

We recently found my wife had thrush in her vagina.When we removed it, it could barely even fly.

A young girl who had recently split up with her boyfriend was very sexually frustrated so she decided pop to the sex shop in town to see if they had any gadgets to satisfy her womanly needs. She looks around all the shop; inspecting all the various sex toys but none of them quite take her fancy. All of a sudden the shop keeper calls her over to show her something. She takes out a brown dusty box from beneath the counter and passes it to the girl. The woman opens it and is amazed to see a solid gold dildo. "Very impressive" said the girl with a cheeky grin."That's not all" said the shop keeperThe shop keeper makes a circle with her thumb and finger utters the words "Magic Dildo - my hand!" The dildo suddenly leaps out of the box and starts pumping in and out of the shop keepers hand. "Just say - Magic Dildo followed by what you want it to fuck and it will oblige." The young girl immediately buys it and can't wait to use it, she is so impatient that she attempts to use it driving home. "Magic Dildo - My Pussy" The dildo springs to life, bursts through the woman's jeans and started pounding away at her. By this point the girl is all over the road, she can barely control her car. Then she hears a siren and pulls over."Madam, do you know why I've stopped you?""Yes officer but I can explain! It wasn't my fault, it was the Magic Dildo!"The officer laughs. "Magic Dildo, my arse!"

Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.

I was shagging the wife last night and, after cumming for the second time, I rolled over.My wife was not impressed and said, "How about finishing me off now?"So I smothered her with my pillow.

Those Chilean miners think getting stuck half a mile underground is scary?They want to experience getting your Swedish Sluts Ass Fuck 11 stuck in the DVD player in the front room and your wife coming in the front door.

I don't understand the Chilean Big Brother, it seems like everybody won?

Just turned on the telly and there's scousers celebtrating on one channel and miners celebrating on the other......i thought maggie thatcher had snuffed it!

A worried priest goes to the Dr with a small white hard lump on his penis. Dr gets a pair of tweezers and picks up the lump, examines it, turns to the anxious priest and says, "Nothing to worry about its only a milk tooth!"

Man goes to fancy dress with a fanny hanging out of his nostils. Girl asks what are you meant to be? .a nosey cunt, He says.

A woman has just looked thru the window whilst I was having a wank. She slowly walked up to the window and mouthed the words, "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY GARDEN".

After 30 years of marriage to Florence, Jim the plumber left his wife. The note on the kitchen table simply read "It's over Flo".

Policeman pulls over a Paddy for speeding and asks
"Have you been drinking sir?" Paddy replies "Yes officer ive had about 18 pints, two bottles of hooch, and 6 Bacardi and cokes."
Policeman says
"What the hell are you doing driving?"
Paddy replies
"I couldn't walk"

What's worse than being captured by the Taliban?Being rescued by the Americans.

The first task for the Chilean miners after their release is to visit Anfield - to advise Roy Hodgson on how to get out of a fucking big hole before Christmas

My wife gets really annoyed when I use the word 'cunt'.
I suppose she's got a point, I really should make the effort to learn her mother's real name.

[flanflinger]

A baby shark swimming up the coast asks his dad "why do we circle people in the water with our fins showing before we eat them? Why don't we just attack" . . . .. The wise old father said . . . "they taste better without the shit inside them"

Man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him "Where am i?" the irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't fool me ya prick, i know you're in that fuckin basket!"

Ben asks his girlfriend for a handjob, she says: "I've never done one, what do i do?", ben says: "remember when u was a kid & u'd shake a coke bottle & spray ur brother with it, well thats what u do!" she nods, & he whips his cock out. She grabs hold n starts shakin, 5 mins later he's got tears runnin down his face, snot flowing from his nose, he's in a right state. She says: "wots wrong?" he replies "take ur fuckin thumb off the end!!"

My wife and I have completely different standards when it comes to housework. When cleaning the toilet, she wipes the seat, bleaches and scrubs the bowl, bleaches once more and leaves for half an hour before finally flushing again......when I clean the toilet, I just piss as hard as possible on the shit stains.

Muslim terrorists have been on the rampage in Bradford killing anyone who's english ...
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5!
Went to china on holiday and bought a pair of shoes, I took them back to the hotel and looked in them and there was a sticker "made around the corner"

Whats seven inches long, purple with a head on it and women love it?.. a £20.00 note.

Paddy goes to casualty after being stung by a wasp and says to the nurse: "I've been stung by a wasp, do you have anything for it?" The nurse replies " Whereabout's is it?"..Paddy say's "Fuck knows, probably miles away by now"...

What do you call a woman without an arse? Single
What do you call the useless flap of skin on the end of the penis? A bloke!
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
Why cant blokes make pancakes? Because there useless tossers!
Why do blokes have their best ideas during sex? Because there plugged into a genius!

Today my wife brought me home a tub of ice cream and asked if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked.
To which she cheekily replied "As hard as ur cock when ur thinking about me naked"
I said "Go on then pour me some"....

Paddys Wife gave birth to Triplets!! ''How in Gods name did That happen says Paddy??'' His Wife replies, ''Remember the Night I was very Dry and we had no Vaseline so I used 3 in 1 oil??'' ''Holy Jaysus says Paddy, I'm fucking glad we didn't use WD40!!''

A wife buys herself a pair of crotchless knickers to spice up her lovelife. She puts them on under a short skirt and sits on the settee opposite her husband.
He looks over his newspaper and says "are you wearing crotchless knickers?"
She winks ands says "yes darling"
"Thank fuck for that!" he says, "I thought the stuffing was coming out of the settee!!"

Isn't it strange how hot sexy women always drive cute little cars?Which reminds me - the MOT's due on my wife's Transit.

Whats the difference between PITY n SHAME? A bus load of celtic fans crash with no survivors now that's a pity, but there were 3 empty seats now that's a fucking shame!

I asked my wife how many men have you slept with? Wife proudly answered, 'Only you my darling ...all the others kept me awake all night shagging!

I recently started meditating.It's better than sitting around doing fuck all.

Old man walks into Jewellers with a gorgeous blonde & asks, "a special ring 4 the lady?", jeweller says "Here's 1... £5000." Old man says, "No, I want a very special ring." So he pulls one out... "£65,000", Feller says, "That's the one, I'll write a cheque & when it clears on Monday we'll come get it." On Monday jeweller calls old man & says "There's no money in the account." man says "I know, but can you imagine the fuckin weekend I've had!!

Apparently, Liverpool's new owners have set their sights on a certain Mr. Messi.
They want him to play up front alongside Mr. Clumsy and Mr. Lazy.

Bastard !! Just lost in a pub quiz by one point . The question was ' where do women mostly have curly hair ?' - - - apparently its africa !

They reckon that beer contains female hormones i think they are right after 8 PINTS i talk shit and cant drive

Not seen so many minors come out of the ground since fred wests patio was dug up
Grandad normally takes 5 year old grandson for a drive on saturdays but was feeling unwell. So the grandma took him instead. When they got back he asked the child how it went. 'Great' said the little boy.'We didnt see one fucking wanker, dick head, twat or bastard all day.

Boy sitting at his fathers death bed. He says, "Dad, why r u telling people ur dyin of Aids, when its kidney failure uv got?" Dad replies, "I look at it this way son, when i die, nobody will ever want to fuck ur mum"

In a reccent survey into blow jobs, and why men like them so much 6% like the feeling,12% like the excitment and 82% just like the peace and quiet

what do women and blenders have in common?you don't mind sticking your fingers in as long as they're not on.

The people of Liverpool are so outraged about the situation their football club is in that they are considering getting jobs in order to strike.

I walked passed a house today that was on fire, six chavs hanging out the windows sceaming "SAVE US" "SAVE US ", so i did!..............as my new screensaver.

Paddy ask's Murphy how to spell orange. . . .Murphy thinks about it then say's '' do ya mean the fruit or the colour? ''

My wife gets really annoyed when I use the word cunt.
I suppose she has got a point, I really should make the effort to learn her mother's real name.

I gave a girl an orgasm last night.She spat it back in my face though.

A man is rushed into hospital for a willy transplant but the operation has to be put on hold as the replacement dick is still reading this text message

Two Jehovah's witnesses just been at my door to ask me what my religious views wereI told them I could see a Church out my bedroom window.

My wife rang me at work. She said, "Two packages arrived today. The first was your Playstation 3 and the second is the new Rampant Rabbit vibrator we ordered. I can't wait for you to get home and play with me for hours."I said, "You'll be fucking lucky... I only ordered one controller."

"Al Qaeda Plot For France"suddenly these guys seem alright...

What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot? Ones a kangaroo and the other is a geordie stuck in a lift.

Some of my mates call me shaggy because of my success with the ladies. I was telling one mate how this disabled girl begged me to give her anal.
Now they call me Mr Bumspastic.

The Pope said : "Anyone with special needs who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the altar". A scouser came forward and said : "I need you to pray for my hearing please father". The Pope held the scouser's head and prayed and prayed with the whole congregation joining in. After a few mins the Pope asked : "How is the hearing now?" Scouser said : "l don't know - it's not till next week!".

Let's test the way you think. Read this: thepenisinmymouth. Did you read 'the pen is in my mouth'? Like fuck u did. Pass it on dick muncher!!

The new liverpool owners have guaranteed a top four finish next season ......... Possibly even automatic promotion back to the Premiership!

Old granny goes into the dentist's and the dentist takes her in and says take a seat I shall be back in a moment, when the Dentist comes in the granny is sat there... legs wide open with her knickers off with her dusty grey moggie showing.. the dentisat says "My god woman I am a dentist not a gynacologist" the woman says "I know can you get my husbands teeth out"?

[russbeer]

Some of my mates call me shaggy because of my success with the ladies. I was telling one mate how this disabled girl begged me to give her anal.
Now they call me Mr Bumspastic.

Brilliant.

[flanflinger]

Right chaps... sorry about the delay of about 4 weeks since an update but I have been working away and I have also been getting to grips with a new N8... you will be pleased to know I will be updating very soon.

(edited... scratch the above... swamped my new n8... in the shitter... oops... back to the old phone.... lost over 400 new jokes though)

[flanflinger]

Man goes in to barbers, asks how long to wait before he gets haircut, barber say's about two hours, he leaves, a few days later he's back asks same question, barber say's about three hours, again he leaves, a week later he's back asking again barber says about 1 & half hours once again he's off, the barber's getting a bit bemused by the guy so asks his mate Bob to follow him to see where he goes, Bob returns in a wee while pissin himself laughing, Barber asks well where the fuck does he go ? Bob wipes the tears from his eyes and say's "Your house"

Mick knocks on Paddy's door. Paddy's wife opens door & Mick asks, "Is Paddy in?" She replies, "No! He's down the pub." Mick says, "I've always fancied you, any chance of a fuck?" She says, "No!" He said, "I'll give you £300." She says, "Ok then!" So, they get on with it. Paddy comes home at 11.30 and says, "Hi love! Did Mick drop my wages off?"

Guy goes into a fancy dress shop and goes to The vampire section. Girl behind the counter says.."Maybe you should try the man utd club shop across the street". Guy says "I'm sorry, you must have misheard me. I said I wanted to dress like a count!".

Christmas is comin & my arse is gettin fat, i hate fuckin christmas & Santa is a twat. The credit crunch is on, & times r really hard, so u can consider this text, ur Fukin christmas card!! MERRY CHRISTMAS
Scroll down & you'll see Santa's Willy!!


Act your Fucking age,
"THERE IS NO SANTA"
& what do you want to see his cock for?,
WEIRDO!

Cinderella is getting ready for the ball and the fairy godmother says 'If your not back here by midnight your fanny will turn into a pumpkin!'...later on just before midnight cinders is dancing with this big handsome bastard...cinders thinks wow what a hunk...She says 'what's your name?'...He says 'prince peter the pumpkin eater!'...He then says 'what time do you have to be home?'...cinders says 'half six in the morning!'

Bernard Mathews has died today aged 80,The funeral will be held next week at norfolk crematorium, 11am, gasmark 6 for 3 hours

Sir Bob Geldof has just confirmed that a fundraising concert for Ireland will be held in Ethopia at Christmas.

Two Manchester united fans standing on the edge of a cliff.
One with the home strip on, the other with the away one on.
Suddenly a gust of wind forces them over the edge.
Which one hits the deck first ? ...
.....
.....
Who gives a fuck!
MERRY CHRISTMAS

Santa Claus:
Wears red.
Good at breaking into houses.
Has loads of electrical goods, and nobody can explain where they came from.
Drives an unlicensed vehicle.
Only does one days work a year.
Anyone else think he's a Scouser?!

Wots the diff between a white fairy tale & a black fairy tale ? A white fairy tale starts with "Once upon a time" a black 1 starts wiv "Ain't no motherfucker gonna believe this shit !"

Came home to find all my doors had been smashed in and everything was gone. What sort of sick bastard does that to someone's advent calendar!

Last night i was out and got talking to a young good looking woman. She asked me if i preferred breasts or legs. I told her what i really liked was a shaved snatch. Apparently i'm now banned from all KFC restaurants!

Sometimes you just can't win....
I thought i'd be a gentleman and hold the door open for a young lady.
2 mins later she said,
"Will you fuck off, i'm trying to have a shit !"

When ur feeling down just remember you were that 1 sperm who won the race :-)

I braked hard but still hit the car in front. A cute blonde got out and shouted "ram me up the arse why dont you ?" This, your honour, is where the confusion began....

"North Korea Attacks South Korea"Bad news: World War III in the making.Good news: New Call Of Duty in the making.

Breaking News: France have surrendered to North Korea

The night before Xmas throughout the house,
we were all fucked,
even the mouse.
Dad at the brothel,
mum with uncle Frank,
I'd settled down
for a nice slow wank.
Outside the house
I heard a right clatter,
I let go of my cock
to see what was the matter.
Out on the lawn
I saw a big dick,
I knew right away
It was old St Nick.
He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell.
The big fat fucker,
I think he fell.
He filled all our stockings with sweets and beer,
and a big rubber cock
for my brother, the queer.
He rose up the chimney
with a thunderous fart,
the big fat cunt
blew the house apart.
He swore and he cursed
as he rode out of sight,
Shoutin,I'll be back nxt year, have a hell of a night.
Merry Xmas.

A man was indulging in some rampant sex with his girlfriend in the doggy style position, while banging her hard and fast she farted! .... He just smiled, slapped her arse and said "Hush little one, your next!"

I just stole the collection box from the local epilepsy society.
They'll have a fucking fit when they find out..

The missus was watching a cookery programme the other day.
I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."
She said, "You watch porn."

2 gays in car on M1. A lorry shunts them from the back. The passenger jumps out of the car, runs to the truckers door, flings it open, hands on hips and shouts at the trucker, "I'm gonna sue your ass."
The trucker replies, "Suck my dick, faggot."
The gay rushes back to car and says to his friend, "I've settled out of court!"

Some Unlikely Cover Versions!!
Susan Boyle - Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me.
Stevie Wonder - I Can See Clearly Now.
Nick Griffin - Black or White.
Katie Price - Like a Virgin.
Rihanna - Hit Me Baby One More Time.
Michael Jackson - I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles.
Josef Fritzl - Love Shack.
Stephen Hawking - I'm Still Standing.

Two Irish blokes are out hunting in the woods when Paddy says "I'm bursting for a shite but haven't got anything to wipe my arse on" Murphy says "Have you got a fiver?" "Yes" says Paddy "Well use that" so Paddy goes off for 5 minutes and comes back with shit all over his hands and clothes Murphy says "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU?" Paddy looks at him and goes "Have you ever tried to wipe your arse with 4 pound coins and two 50 pence pieces!!"

[flanflinger]

A cat is sat by the side of the river when a 6 inch sausage floats past.
The cat dips its paw in to catch it but misses.
Ten minutes later a 7 inch sausage floats past. The cat dips its whole leg in to catch it but again misses.
Another ten minutes later a 10 inch sausage floats past. The cat throws itself in, catches it and eats it.
The moral of the story . . .
The bigger the sausage, the wetter the pussy !

Paddy says to mick christmas is on a friday this year.
Mick says lets hope its not the 13th.

A magician on a cruise ship is constantly having his tricks spoilt by the ships parrot, every time he does a trick the parrot shouts "its in his pocket , 4 of clubs , its got a false bottom !" The magician hates it. That night the ship sinks and him and the parrott cling to a piece of
drift wood, for 4 days the parrott says sod all just stares at him . . On the 5th day the parrott says "ok i give up wheres the ship?"

The insurance side of sex........
Sex with your wife - Legal & General.
Sex with your future wife - Mutual Trust.
Sex with your secretary - Exployers Liability.
Sex with a pr0stitute - Commercial Union.
Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.
Sex with your biographer - Quote me happy.
Sex in a hurry - Insure & Go.
Sex with your boyfriend - Standard Life.
Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com
Sex with someone different - Go compare.com.

Bloke came up to me and said, "Your wife's got lovely big tits. Would you mind if I had a feel?"."Sure mate, go for it. She won't mind". ... afterwards, we closed the coffin lid.The undertaker thanked me profusely for being a great sport.

Little boy asks dad "What's between mum's legs?" Father answers "Paradise, my son." Kid asks again "What's between your legs?" Father replies "The key to paradise!" The son says "Piece of advice dad, change the lock, that cunt next doors got a spare key" :-)

To make it stand, you wet it! To make it wet, you suck it! To make it stiff, you lick it! To get it in, you push it?
FUCK ME,threading a needle when you get older is NO JOKE!

With hindsight I should have posted my facebook status as; "I have blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just fucked a 13 year old escort". Still the police eventually saw the funny side.

Imagine prince William's stag do, bit strange tho being in a bar and stuffing pictures of your gran into a lap dancers knickers!

Paddy sees Murphy in hospital with two bandaged feet. Paddy asks ' what have you done? Murphy replies ' it's f*cking Asda again!!! I bought a sponge pudding for my tea and it said pierce the tin and stand in boiling water for ten minutes.

Paddy wants to become a Priest. so he went to see the Bishop who said, 'u must answer 3 questions on the Bible.'
1st, who was born in a stable?'
'Red Rum,' paddy said.
'2nd, what do u think of Damascus?'
'It kills 99% of all germs,' paddy replied.
'3rd, what happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?' 'That's easy,' paddy said. 'Popeye kicked the shite out of them!!'

On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers...... and stuck my cock in her mouth.

When travelling In extreme weather conditions the government advise you should carry a shovel, flask, wellies, rock salt, hi-viz jacket & a blanket.! I looked a right nobhead on the bus.!!

My racing snail is not winning races anymore. I decided to take his shell off to reduce his weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work. If anything its made him more sluggish.

Mick is driving past the bus stop and sees paddy standing there "want a lift " asks mick. "Better not" says paddy "il miss me bus".

Kate Middleton has asked the queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship. She replied "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off."

Christmas is like any other day to me. Sat at the table with a fat bird that doesn't gobble any more.

This ice-cold weather is f*ckin hilarious!
Right now, I'm outside the mental hospital watchin the staff trying to free fifty tongues from the windows!!

The World's shortest Fairy Tale....
Once upon a time a bloke asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'...
The girl said 'NO!'...
AND THE BLOKE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER AND FUCKED ALL HER MATES AND RODE HIS BIKE AND WENT RUNNING AND PLAYED FOOTBALL AND DRANK BEER AND ATE CURRY AND LEFT THE TOILET SEAT UP AND PLAYED ON THE X-BOX AND FARTED AND HAD A WANK WHENEVER HE WANTED......The End.

For all those confused females out there, it's simple. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him a fucking sandwich :-)

Bloke at the races said to Paddy next to him do you want the winner of the next race he said no thanks ive only got a small garden!

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::::.. ....:: .: :. ..::.. .:.:.:. ...::. ::.... :
Merry Christmas,
love Stevie Wonder. X

Zookeeper says to Paddy "The Gorilla is on heat & we need someone to have sex with it.Would you consider shagging it for £5OO?" Paddy replies "I will on 3 conditions. 1st I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd my family must never know. 3rd I'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together!"

Ever since lt started snowing the all the misses has done is look through the window.
I suppose l better get up and let the fucker in .

Postman Pat, Postman Pat,Postman Pat ran over his cat.As the cat lay dying,Postman Pat was crying,Pat will never drink and drive again.

The wife has just got back from the doctors.. She's been fed up and tired for some time. Apparently she has got an "iron deficiency". Well that's her christmas present sorted.....

If you pass the North Korean border illegally, you get 12 years hard labour.
If you pass the Afghan border illegally, you get shot.
If you pass the British border illegally, you get:-
- a job
- a driver's licience
- a place to live
- housing benefit
- health care
- education
- child benefit
. . . . .
Need I carry on?
No wonder we are a country thats fucking skint !!

Because of all the snow and ice at the moment, the government are worried about kids playing on the roads, so to scare them off they are going to bring out a new machine. It's called the "Gary Gritter"

Winter is nearly here & our native birds will soon be finding food scarce. Please go to the pet shop & buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends.There is no finer sight on a winter's morning than a pair of tits around your nut sack. Just remember however, it's a bit early in the year to expect a swallow

We were so poor in our house when we were young, on Christmas morning if you didn't wake up with an erection you had nothing to play with!

Eskimo comes home from fishing to find his wife crying.
"What's the matter ?" he asks.
Wife replies ''My mother has just died"
Eskimo slaps her round the face.
"What the fuck was that for?" she asks.
"That's for making me laugh when I've got chapped lips !"

Snow is like a willy, its measured in inches, soft to the touch, cums when you least expect it and it never gets as deep as you'd like it. Driving in the snow is like eating pussy. If you dont slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole infront of you! BE CAREFUL THIS WINTER!

A pr0stitute told me i could have sex with her for £10 as she didnt have a womb. I asked how would we do it then? She said, ' acwoss the woad against the wailings.'

A boy turns up at school with his cat peeping out of his school bag, his teacher is very puzzled and asks him "Tommy what is your cat doing at school today?" Tommy answers "I heard the postman telling my mum when your kids have gone to school I'm gonna eat your pussy! So I wasn't taking any chances!"

A local MP is visiting a nursing home. He asks a 93 year old lady, "have you been bed-ridden since you've been here?" she replies "a couple of times but i prefer being fucked on the sofa"

I feel like I've been 12 rounds with Audley Harrison.
Absolutely fine.

My girlfriend prepared a fried breakfast for me this morning.I could tell she'd never made cornflakes before.

[flanflinger]

A brand new store has just opened in London that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:-You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kid and are extremely good looking. Wow, she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 -These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework. ?Oh, mercy me!? she exclaims, ?I can hardly stand it!?Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.To avoid gender bias charges, the stores owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.The 1st floor has wives that love sex.The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

I was in a porno cinema the other day. Just as the feature started the guy behind shouted
"you're disgusting"
at me. I just ignored him Another guy shouted
"you should be fucking ashamed of yourself"
I turned round said
"we're all here for the same thing, your as bad as me".
When a third called me a "fucking sick bastard"
I said "Right thats it, come on kids we're going home"

Will.I.AM - love child of Edgar Davids and mr T

A 15yr old boy is telling the priest about his uncle abusing him & says....
I went 2 sleep then heard him come in my room! Then he got under my blanket! Then he started 2 kiss me! Then he undone my pyjama top & touched me here! Then he started to take my bottoms off! Then I can't remember what happened next .....
Wanking furiously the priest says 'well fuckin make something up'......

Paddy says to Mick - Im ready for a holiday only this year im going to do it a bit different.
3yrs ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2yrs ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year? Paddy replies - I'll fukin take her with me!

A pandas greatest wish ! Is to have a coloured photo ha ha ha

I,ve just lost my part time job in a car wash after a Manc guy asked "how much for a full wash?"
"Sorry, we only do cars" apparently is not a suitable reply.

Why is a Christmas tree better than a man? It stays up for 12 days & nights, has cute balls, & looks good with the lights on!!!

Little boy asks dad "What's between mum's legs?"
Father answers "Paradise, my son."
Kid asks again "What's between your legs?" Father replies "The key to paradise!"
The son says "Piece of advice dad, change the lock, the neighbour has a spare key!"

What football team do they support on coronation street? Tram near rovers

Man goes to doctors and says doc everytime i masterbate i shout 'come on everton' Doctor says "yes most wankers do!"

A builder walks up to a girl in a bar and tells her "i've an 8 inch dick and i could ride you all night long"
She takes him home that night and the next morning she wakes up and says "you told me you had an 8 inch dick and you were going to ride me all night long but you only had a 3 inch dick and you only rode me for 3 minutes"
The man replied " yeah but i'm a builder love.....that was just an estimate!!!!"

Yoko Ono has just been signed up for the next series of I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. Show bosses think she will do really well as she has been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years!

Christmas Day is like any other day for me....I sit down with a fat bird that doesn't gobble any more....

Well thats my fucking christmas ruined, i ordered my turkey from ashley peacock.

Whenever I'm giving my girlfriend anal, her Arse makes a squeaky sound, turns out it's just her ring-tone!

I just bought a Christmas tree. The assistant asked "will you be putting this up yourself?" I said "no you sick bastard, it's going in the living room"

Have just got back 2 find all my windows open and everything gone. Of course i'm devastated. What sick person would do that to someones advent calender?!

[flanflinger]

After careful consideration of your performance as a friend in 2010, I have decided to extend your friendship for a further 12 months. Try not to fuck it up !

WALLET SCAM WARNING ! In tesco whilst packing shopping into your car , you may be approached by 2 fit 18 year old eastern european girls in tight tiny tops . They wash your screen with their tits up against the window and ask for a lift to the next store as payment . On the way they will strip down and perform oral sex on each other. One will then climb into the front and suck you off while your driving while the other steals your wallet . I had mine stolen thursday , friday , twice on saturday and 3 times on sunday ! SO BE CAREFUL

A little boy is walking down the road dragging a flattened frog on a string, he walks up to the local brothel & taps the door, when the madam answers he says 'i want to have sex with your dirtiest girl, who has lots of diseases, i've got £500 to spend'. The madams eyes light up & says 'that'll be me then, but why do you want a disease'? The boy said 'tonight after mum and dad leave, my babysitter will shag me 'cos she likes cute little boys, later when dad runs her home he'll shag her in the layby. When he comes home and goes to bed mum'll want a good seeing 2, & 2moro when Dad goes off to work mum will shag the milkman, & he's the bastard that ran my fucking frog over!

Got in a fight with a towel today.Wiped the floor with it.

Fancy a night out?
Next Friday night -
Charity disco in aid of women born without legs.
Place will be crawling with fanny. :-)

During this festive season don't forget to take time to mention those three special words to your loved ones.I'm off out.

What does DNA stand for?National Dyslexia Assoication.

I was just watching a scouse family playing family fortunes. You should have seen their faces light up when vernon kay said to them "get ready, you might get a chance to steal ! "

Here's a picture of me with the band REM.That's me in the corner

I've just read somewhere that the most dangerous thing in the kitchen is the chip pan.The most dangerous thing in my kitchen is me without a sandwich!

I've just read somewhere that the most dangerous thing in the kitchen is the chip pan.The most dangerous thing in my kitchen is the wifes cooking!.

Essex, the only place in the country where on a sunday morning, the women have a higher sperm count than the men!

Wot do u call an irish woman with 2 cunts ?
Jedwards mum.

Mick and mary in the bedroom.1st nite of their honeymoom,mary said mick there will b no sex tonite i have the womans monthly.mick says i dont give a shit if u have the farmers weekly ur not readin it tonite

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg".

Heather Mills mum & dad have bought her a new leg for Christmas......it's not her main present, it's just a stocking filler

Dear Santa, last year I got a sweater for Christmas, this year if possible could I have a screamer or a moaner?

My girlfriend keeps complaining that I'm always pushing her about and talking behind her back. I said "Its not my fault you're in a fucking wheelchair"

A 7 yr & 4 year old are in their bedroom, 'You know what "says 7yr old, "I think its time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast I'll swear first then you". "OK" says 4yr old. Mum asks 7yr old what he wants for breakfast. "I'll have Coco pops, bitch". WHACK, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out. Mum looked at 4yr old & said sternly "and what do you want?". "dunno but it won't be fucking coco pops"

Air cargo security has been stepped up following reports that Al Qaeda are attempting to hide bombs in tins of Alphabet Spaghetti, one senior insider said it could spell disaster !"

Were going for a gangbang my my mate joe and me.we know a girl whos got big tits and does it all for free, were going to take her bra off her Nickers and her jeans and take her back too our house and fill her full of beans... Not really.were gonna shag all Nite but it dont rhyme.

After putting up my Christmas tree earlier, I have realised it has a lot of similarities to my wife.
1. It stands there doing fuck all.
2. It only looks nice 12 days a year.
3. Very rarely gets turned on.
4. Has very little up top.
5. The older it gets, the more dry and worn-out it becomes.
6. You know fake ones are better, but you stick with what you've got.
and probably best of all.
You can lock the fucker in the attic for the rest of the year.

The Co-op ran out of milk again last night because of the bad weather,thankfully Doreen,my elderly neighbour,has loads of it piled up at her front door....

[beaconboy]

keep em coming !! some quality jokes here