A woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital on the operating table she had a near death experience Seeing God she asked Is my time up
God said No you have another 43 years 2 months to live on recovery the woman decided to stay in hospital and have a facelift liposuction breast implants a tumy tuck She even had her hair colourd and brighten her teeth ! o much more time to live she figured she might as well make the most of it
After her last operation she was released from the hospital While crossing a street on her way home she was killed by an ambulance
Arriving in front of God she demanded I thought you said I had another 43 years Why didn't you pull me from the path of the ambulance
God replied
I didn't fuckin recognize you!.
I was woken up this morning by a noise and a smell from downstairs.
I ran downstairs and seen my wife face down by the burning cooker. She wasn't breathing or responsive. I panicked. I mean, I... I didn't know what to do...
then I remembered...
McDonalds do breakfast till half 10
A cop pulls paddy over for speeding and asks have you been drinking sir? Paddy replies yes I've had about 18 pints, 2 bottles of wine, 6 barcadi and cokes. Cop says what the hell are you doing driving? Paddy replies I couldn't fuckin walk :-)
Met a girl in the park last night and there was an instant spark between us, a definite connection,her legs went to jelly and she fell at my feet !!
These taser guns are fuckin well worth the money !!
Whats the difference between a mosquito and a blond,
When u slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking.
Iraq drastically needs to reduce its car bomb footprint.
Yesterday, my mum asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party.That's when I realised he was the favourite twin.
90% of hoodies carry knifes... The other 10% are in Prison.
The pope dies and goes 2 heaven and is talking 2 god and god asks him what do u think of the house I have 4u? The pope looks at it and says that it is perfect and the garden is beautiful. He then notices the house beside it is painted red,white and blue with red hand of ulster flags hanging from every window and a picture of king billy over the door, he then hears the sash playing from within and says 2 god o no I hope im not living beside some biggot like ian paisley. God replies dont be stupid u fenian bastard thats my house.
The 'Erectus Trouserius' or the trouser snake is the world's most dangerous snake. Colour varies from pink to black. It's fangless, average length 5 - 6 inches (although some are said to reach 8 inches depending on honesty of it's owner) it appears usualy in bedrooms attacking women in the mouth or lower abdominal area, its highly venomous spit can cause swelling lasting 9 months! Some mutant species like yours are also known to attack men from behind.
I was in a pub last night when this gorgeous girl came up and stood next to me at the bar. She sniffed the air, then she looked at me,smiled and said "mmmm what have you got on?" , i said "i've got a hard-on but i didnt realise you could smell it!"
What gets longer when pulled, fits between your tits, inserts neatly in a hole & works best when jerked?
A seatbelt u pervert, buckle up & pass it on....!
Marriage is like a pack of cards. In the beginning all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond. By the end you'll wish you had a club and a spade!
Q. What's white and sticky and found on the wall of a prison cell?
A. George Michael's latest release.
My girlfriend broke up with me, saying that I was too kinky for her in the bedroom.
I nearly choked on her shit when she told me.
Just got out of A and E after having a sharp piece of metal removed from my head.Thinking about it, telling Abu Hamza to 'sling his hook' wasn't the cleverest thing I have ever done.
Prince Charles was visiting a nursing home. He asks a 93 year old lady, "have you been bed-ridden since you've been here?" she replies "a couple of times but i prefer being fucked up the arse on the sofa"
Me mum just rang me an told me she's got swelling on her tits, arse an fanny. I said
'Fuckin hell mum, thats too much inflammation!'
I went on a date with a beautiful, blond young woman last night, well it wasn't really a date.We watched a film, had dinner, and when she was sleeping, I had a sneaky wank over her.But apparently that wasn't 'acceptable' behaviour for an airplane..
I don't think people really understand how bad coca1ne actually is for you.It's definitely not to be sniffed at.
Mick is in court for a double murder. The judge says "you are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.'' Man at the back of the courtroom yells out "cunt!" The room goes silent, the judge continues "you are also charged with beating your wife's lover to death with a hammer." Again the man yells out "you fucking cunt!" The judge having enough, looks at the man and says "sir, I can understand your anger at this crime but I will have no more outbursts, if you have anything to say, say it now". The man gets up and says "for 15 years I lived next door to that bastard & everytime I asked to borrow a fuckin hammer he said he didn't have one!!!"
My mate reckons he's got six testicles.I said, 'that's a load of bollocks!'
3 Irishmen in a bar. Paddy says"My locals better than this, you buy 2 drinks and the 3rds free" Mick says, "Well in my local you buy 1 drink you get the 2nd free" Murphy says, "Thats nothin. In my local you buy the 1st drink, then the 2nd, 3rd, 4th,5th,6th & 7th are free. Then you go out the back and get shagged senseless." "WOW," says the other two, "Has that actually happened to you?" "No," says Murphy, "But it happened to my sister. !
My Wife has just gone into hospital with a black eye and a broken jaw. It appears we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio
A woman goes into a greengrocers and asks for a cucumber, he says whole or sliced? she says I've got a fanny not a fucking slot machine!
Got stopped in the street earlier by a market researcher who asked me what grooming products I used. Should have seen her face when I said 'Haribo and High School Musical'.
A woman is told she has only 24 hrs to live.
She tells her hubby & asks if they can make love one last time.
Crying & upset he agrees & they have mind blowing sex.
After 12 hrs she asks again & he gives her the best oral she has ever had.
4 hrs to go & she begs for one last go.
"FUCK OFF" he said. "I'M NOT BEING FUNNY BUT I HAVE TO GET UP IN THE MORNING..YOU DON'T"
I just bought a memory stick for the wife.
She hasn't forgotten my beer once.......since the first beating
What do George Michael and Chilean miners have in common ?
Both will be out after eight weeks of drilling.
Not saying Coleen Rooney is as thick as Wayne but when she heard he'd paid £1200 for a 19 year old Escort, she asked if it was taxed and mot'd !
Anyone else want to see the Stig do a lap in the Popemobile ?
Whats six inches long and hangs between a prisoners legs ... George michaels goatie
My english teacher just told me that my grammar is shit.
I said 'well your grandads a twat'
Was asked to go and see my ex girlfriend today. 1 thing lead 2 another and we ended up havin sex. Police weren't 2 pleased. I was only meant to be identifying the body.
My girlfriend keeps complaining that I'm always pushing her about and talking behind her back.What does she expect, she's in a fucking wheelchair.
George Michael has been found with a chocolate bar up his arse. A prison spokesman said it was a careless wispa!!
I accidently used super glue as lube last night.I told my girlfriend not to tell anybody as it was an embarrassing mistake.Her lips are sealed.
I got really addicted a few years ago. Now, each week without fail I'll use my credit card and do about 3 lines of the stuff. I don't know how I'd get by without it. At first it gets me all really excited and anxious, but leaves me feeling used and low.Bloody Lottery!
My granny caught me wanking the other night. She was so shocked she had a stroke!
Such lovely, soft hands....
Little Johnny's Teacher says - whoever can answer the following questions can have a half day from school.
Who said "...ask not what your country can do for you" - before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy shouts "John F Kennedy"
Teacher says "very good, Nancy, you can go"
Teacher asks "who said - I have a dream" - before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary shouts - "Martin Luther King"
Teacher says very good Mary, you can go"
Johnny is raging & just as teacher turns her back Johnny says "I wish those bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut"
Teacher looks & says "who said that"
Johnny replies "Wayne rooney - see you tomorrow"
News Today ..'Wayne Rooney in new escort girl scandal' ....'The shame and publicity means my partner may never forgive me', said the pr0stitute.
I hate my supervisor. Behind her desk, it says, "You don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps!."
Mind you, she's written it in her own shit.
Josef Fritzl is delighted that his sentence has been reduced to 100 hours community service.He has been ordered to spend it teaching Gerry McCann how to lock a fucking door.
I was offered a new job and a chance to work at the airport scanner...Guy said you can look at fannies all day!I said I already do I'm a steward at Anfield!
Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music...
All men marry a nymphomaniac. problem is after a few months, The nympho leaves but the fucking maniac stays !
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