The Crank Number 07592925650

[flanflinger]

Dear kids, There is NO Santa Claus. Those presents are from your parents.
"With love, WikiLeaks"

Sex is a lot like Christmas dinner.When you're finished, the last thing you want is more - you just want to sleep.And you certainly don't want to lie there cuddling a stuffed carcass.

What"s is the difference between an Ethiopian and a pair of jeans?
A pair of jeans only has one fly on it.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

My eight year old son said to me, "Dad, I want to be like you when I'm older".I said, "You want to be a builder?"He said, "No, I want to shag mum".

I went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse.
Do u think I should change dentists?

A paper bag goes to the doctors because he's all itchy and has an embarassing little rash. The doctor gives him an examination and tells him he's got VD. The paper bag starts sobbing and says "But I've only ever slept with 1 other bag in my life!" The doctor replies "Well, she must have been a carrier!

Always remember as the season of goodwill approaches that someone special is out there thinking of you and appreciates you for the impact you've made in their life...... Its not me, I think you're a wanker.

£14 for a full Christmas dinner that feeds three
That's why mums go to Iceland.
£10 for an 18 year old bouncing on your cock all day That's why dads go to Thailand!

Old folks trip to skegness. Bus jerks when an old man is standing up & he falls onto an old lady in a seat. He appologises saying "if your heart is as soft as your breasts i'll see you in heaven. Old lady replies"if your cocks as hard as your elbow i'll see you in skegness".

VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES --- How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

There were many, many times this year when i may have disturbed you, troubled you, pestered you, irritated you, bugged you or got on your nerves with all the text msgs i sent out. So today i just wanted to tell you..... TOUGH SHIT! There are no changes scheduled for 2011!

My wife gave birth to our beautiful baby son last week and I feel like the proudest father alive.I've just got one question though:At what age do they stop being black?

Man making love to 30 stone woman, he said "any chance we can have the light switched off", she said "why, do you find me that repulsive"? he said "no its burning my arse"..!

I met this girl in a night club last night, and as she was leading me away, she said:"I have something to show you, my knickers match my socks"She wasn'tlight!' when you want me to stop."Girl: "Okay, let's play."After a few seconds...Girl: "Red light!"Boy: "Fire engines don't stop for red lights."

If I had a quid for every time The Liberal Democrats broke a promise, I'd have enough to afford to go to uni.

Women always say men can't multi-task?Yes we can! Only the police call it drink-driving.

I was at my house bragging to my mates about all the shagging I've done."Have you ever done twins?" they asked."Twins?" I replied. "I've done nothing but twins, lads."That's when my dad popped his head into the room and said, "yes, son, that was until I threw away one of your socks by mistake".Cheers dad.

Dear santa , please this christmas can you bring some clothes for those poor children on daddies computer!

12 days of Christmas in Liverpool, sing along: 12 inbred brothers, 11 fake armani's, 10 lambert an butler, 9pm curfew, 8 young children, 7 differant dads, 6 grams of coke, 5 sovereign rings, 4 stolen alloys, 3 differant asbo's, 2 tins of stella an a brand new DLA claim!!!

Wots the diff between a white fairy tale & a black fairy tale ? A white fairy tale starts with "Once upon a time" a black 1 starts wiv "Ain't no motherfucker gonna believe this shit !"

[flanflinger]

What do you call an Aussie with a bottle of champagne?Waiter.

ICC investigating worrying reports of irregular betting patterns in the fifth Test at Sydney. Some people backed Australia.

I heard vandals have broken into an origami exhibition and ruined all the exhibits,police are trying to work out how events unfolded..

Roy Hodgson will finally have something in common with Liverpool fans today.
Unemployment!!!

Bristol Police investigating the Joanna Yeates case say the murderer stole one of her socks.. Am I the only fuckin person thinking "Heather Mills".

Things I've learnt in the last 12 mths: Always tip taxi drivers in the Lake District. Never cross a bouncer frm Nthumberland. & keep up wiv the rent in Bristol.

Due to the water shortage crisis in ireland the first minister has advised people to dilute their water to make it go further.

After careful consideration of your friendship in 2010 i have decided to extend it for another 12 months. Don't Fuck it up. Happy new year! X x

B4 the memories fade, B4 the networks get jammed & B4 I get drunk & lose my phone, Very Happy Easter from all of us at the Ahlzeimers club, have a great 1983. x

Lady's dishwasher breaks down so she calls repairman. She has to go out so tells him, "Don't worry about my bulldog, he won't bother you, but whatever you do, dont under any circumstances, talk to my parrot!" The man starts work, wary of the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he's ever seen, but it just lays there watching him work. The parrot however, drives him nuts, yelling & cursing. Finally the man snaps & yells, 'Shut the fuck up, ya annoyin bastard!' parrot replys GET HIM SPIKE.

Elton John was changing the nappy on his new son and he turned to his husband and said,"He reminds me so much of you David".David says "Why, is it his cheeky little smile?"."No" says Elton.David asks "Is it his cute little nose?""No, it's not that" says Elton.David says "Then it must be the colour of his eyes"."No" says Elton "He's got shit on his dick".

What have the Polish and snow got in common?Apparently there's more to come.

Guts or Balls...
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, Being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

[flanflinger]

Women are like Orange Juice cartons. It's not the shape or size that matters or even how sweet the juice is. It's getting those fuckin flaps to open.


Me daughters just walked into the living room and said 'cancel my allowance, trash my bedroom, throw all my clothes out the window, take my front door and car keys away and kick me out of the house'. Well she did'nt actualy put it like that-she said 'dad, say hello to John Terry'


My son needed a Bone Marrow transplant & we found a perfect match in Argentina. The operation took place & was a great success.
My thanks go out to Diego, Marrow Donor.


My wife got a flu jab today.I'm very aggressive when I'm ill.


There's an old bloke in our village who rides up and down on a tractor saying "the end of the world is nigh"It's Farmer Geddon!!


Lad n lass on first date. He takes her home. Kissing her goodnight he leans one arm against the wall n takes his dick out. 'Oh god, your gorgeous. Give us a blowjob'. Horrified she says 'Are you mad. My parents are home, they could catch us!' 'Oh come on, who's gonna know?' She whinges on about getting caught. He moans on about a blow job. Suddenly the porch lite goes on. Her young sister opens the door. 'Dad said hurry up and give him a blow job. Or just wank him off in the bushes but for fuck sake tell him to take his hand off our intercom'


3 men are given a wish each by a genie. An Irishman , a Scouser and a manc.The Irishman wished for all land in Ireland to be forever fertile. In a flash its done..The manc is amazed. I want a wall around all of manchester so no one can enter our precious land. In a flash a great wall appeared around all Of manchester...The scouser said tell me more about this wall. The genie tells him its 500ft high and 500ft thick nothing gets in and nothing gets out. The scouser lights up a Hamlet and smiles.... Fill the fucker with water !


PHONE SCAM WARNING***
If u get a call from a charity asking u to donate your old clothes to the starving people of the world tell them to fuck off.
Anyone who fits your clothes aint starving!


Scientists have revealed that cum helps hair grow. That explains why lots of men have hairy knuckles, but its got me wondering about my nan's moustache.


The fuckin dog ran off lastnite, I walked round the park calling his name for 20 mins & still couldn't find him, my girlfriend said I shud look harder, so I shaved my head & got a tattoo. I still can't find the fucking dog.


Teacher at school asks "does any1 know where Paki-stan is?" Little Johnny says "I think he goes home for dinner!"...


Hello iis tthiis tthhe oownnerr off ttthhee sshhoopp ttthhatt i ggott ttthe vvvibbratttorr ffromm?? Hhoww ddo uu ttturrn ttthe ffucckkinn ttthingg oofff????


I'm sick of the double standards in my relationship - wife comes home with a ''rampant rabbit'' and she's a naughty fun girl with a special new toy, but when i order 240volt ''fistmaster 5000 latex pussy with realistic elasticated arsehole and spunk collection tray'',
then i'm some kind of sick bastard!


Just been watching a lesbian porn 3D Blue-ray on my HD TV. For added effect I put 2 open cans of tuna on the radiator, its like i'm in the room!


Apparently the best way to make a cup of tea is to aggitate the bag....
so every morning i slap the wife and say "2 sugars, fat arse."


Kenny Dalglish has promised to take Liverpool back to the 'glory days'.
Just as soon as he gets the Delorean up to 88mph


My fucking neighbour knocked on my door this morning at 3:30am, can you believe that, 3:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums. . . . !


A blonde wants to send a message to her mother overseas. The man in the Post Office tells her it would cost £300. "I don't have £300, but I'd do anything to get a message to my mother" "Anything?" asks the man. "Yes anything" promises the blonde. "Follow me" says the man. "Drop down to your knees, pull down my zip, & take out my penis." She reaches inside & with both hands seizes his penis. The man closes his eyes & gasps "Go ahead then!" The blonde slowly brings her lips closer to his penis & placing it close to her mouth, she whispers... "Hello mum, can you hear me?"


I was shagging a girl over her kitchen table when we heard the front door opening.
"That's my husband," she said, "quick, try the back door."
I knew I should have left before her husband caught me but there's no way I'm refusing that!


They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but 2 minutes and 15 seconds once every 3 months ain't going to shift my fucking beer belly is it?


I walked into the bedroom, my wife was asleep with a pen in her pussy and a completed crossword in her hand i thought what a clever cunt.


After a night of drink, drugs & wild sex, Jim woke to find himself next to the ugliest woman he'd ever seen.That's when he realised,he'd made it home safely.!

[flanflinger]

The weird thing is that although it was the work experience lad that was shot by Cole it was Drogba who fell to the floor in agony..!


For a cheap thrill,try throwing maltesers on the floor at a Weightwatchers meeting for a lifesize game of Hungry Hippos.


Paddy & mick are in a pub when a woman starts choking on her food. As she starts to go blue in the face Paddy rushes over an goes behind her, whips her skirt up, pulls her knickers down & runs his tongue up and down between the cheeks of her arse ! The horrified woman gasps & spits the food across the room. Mick says well done Paddy. I've heard of the hind lick manouvre but thats the 1st time ive seen it done!


Who says men can't multi-task? I was shagging this girl last night in the park, whilst covering her mouth AND looking out for any nearby policemen all at the same time.


I've been trying to get into the girl next door's knickers. I'd managed to grab them off the line and get one leg through before her mum started banging on the window.


A couple of naked lesbians barged into the house today, and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath. I tried to help, but I could only knock one out.


When I was a kid, all I had to wear was whipped cream, chocolate and glace cherries. Yep, sure was tough growing up in the gateaux.


After no dates or sex for 5 yrs a woman goes to see chinese expert sex therapist Dr Chang. He says "harro! take off all your croase, get down & craw reery reery fast to otherside room"she does,"ok craw reery reery fast back" As she did Dr Chang shook his head."Yr probrem vewy vewy bad, worse case Ed Zachary disease I ever sor, dat why u get no man" She says "god whats Ed Zachary disease" Dr says "its when your face look Ed Zachery like your arse."


Went into Kitchen this morning. Wife was Face down & not Breathing. I Panicked & Didn't know what 2 do!! Then I remembered McDonalds do Breakfast till 10.30!!


One day God created Man. He looked at his creation & thought Perfect! The following day he created Woman. He took one look & thought 'Fuck me, that'll have to wear make up'Just walking from the gym and saw this right fat bird with a t-shirt on that said "I love Hip Hop" to be honest I think the letters C & S had fallen off!


Some twat has just dumped two ton of plasticine on my drive.. i'm not sure what to make of it


Only the Brits could send a navy ship named after a pork sausage to rescue English citizens from a muslim country.. Gods speed HMS Cumberland.!


The FA have agreed that if Manchester City reach Wembley this season, the fans will be allowed into the stadium with flares. This is to remind them of what they were wearing the last fuckin time they reached a major final


Standing at the urinals next to a midget, when I noticed him winking at me. I turned my back a bit but when I looked round he was still winking at me, so I said " whats your problem - do you fancy me or something ?" he said "you're splashing in my eye !"


2 OAP's r enjoying oral sex together.the old man says, "i cant stay down here 4 2 long it stinks".the old lady replies "sorry its my arthritis".man replies "arthritis in ur Fanny!?". "no!" says the old lady."the arthritis is in my arm, i cant wipe my arse!!"


On a date last night, I explained how I'd just been released from a 3 year jail sentence for something I didn't do."What didn't you do?" she asked"Wipe my fingerprints off the doorknob"


A 73 yr old woman is in court for streaking at the Chelsea Flower show. She was let off with a caution but was awarded 1st prize for best dried bush arrangement


IF CARLSBERG . . . . spent more time on their beer and less time contemplating what other professions they could improve . . . . . it'd PROBABLY not taste like piss!


Why men shouldn't be Agony Aunts:

Dear Sean,
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn't start.
I walked back to our home to find my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter
They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.
Can you help me I'm desperate!

Dear reader:
The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines. Hope this helps, Sean.


Just got home and found the wife dead in the washing machine!! I'm gutted but at least she died in Comfort


Paddy and his wife are searchin the room of there teenage daughter kay, they find a packet of fags and paddy cries '' oh lord our daughter is a smoker.'' A few moments later they find a bottle of vodka, paddy cries ''saints preserve us our little girl is an alcoholic!'' Next they find a packet of condoms ''GOD help us'' cried paddy. ''She's got a fuckin cock !''


A WOMAN'S ARSE STUDY.
There is a new study about how women feel about their arses. The results are pretty interesting:
30% think their arse is too fat..
10% think their arse is too skinny..
The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world!


My wife said, "I hate it when you alienate me in front of your mates."I replied, "But it's true, you have got a fanny like Predator's face."


I love 14th february. Its the only day of the year i get to do the missus up the arse.
She's dyslexic and thinks its vaseline's day!


Mums have mothers day, dads have fathers day and lovers have valentines day so do wankers celebrate palm sunday. Just thought you were the best person to ask



Finally, after years of waiting, My book on having Sex with Herbs has been published. Its about 'Fucking Thyme'.


Bought mother in law crotchless knickers for her birthday. Nothing sexuaL, just gives her a better grip on the broomstick.


Favourite Insults:

She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorillas back

Looks like she's been ducking for apples in a chip pan

Had more hands up her than Sooty

It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with
a golf shoe

She's got a face that could make an onion cry

I wouldn't ride her into battle

She's seen more japseyes than an oriental optician

It's like shaggin'
a pail of water

Fanny like a ripped out fireplace
Face like a stuntmans knee

Fanny like a yawning donkey

She's that ugly not even a sniper would take her out

She's been shot over more times than Sarejevo

She had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout


Have you seen the clown in Tesco that hides from ugly people?


What's got 22 legs and 3 teeth? The Methadone queue at Boots.



Bride on her wedding night says to her hubby, "I must confess I was a hooker!"
He says, "Thats ok! Your past is your past, but I must admit I find it quite erotic! Tell me about it".
She says, "Okay . . . my name was John & I played for Wigan Warriors!"


Two couples on holiday and husbands Paul and Dave decide to try and get their ladies to wife swap. Amazingly they agree but paul knows his wife is on her time of month so he has got one up on Dave. They agree that at breakfast they will tap the spoon on the table however many times they shagged the missus. Next morning Paul grins & taps twice, looks at Dave who smiles then taps once on the jam and three times on the Nutella.

[flanflinger]

I went up to a bird in a bar the other night and thinking i was being dead smooth said "Is that a ladder in your stocking or is it a stairway to heaven ?"
She immediately replied "Yeah it is a stairway to heaven, but there's already a cunt up there, so fuck off"

Statistics show that 1 in 2O of us live next door to a convicted paedophile, not me though, I live next door to two stunning 14 year olds...

Paddy goes for a job interview at a chemical factory, the manager asks "Have you worked with chemicals before?"
"Yes!" Paddy replies.
The manager asks "Can you tell me what nitrate is?"
Paddy replies "I'm hoping it's gonna be fuckin Double Time"

The mother superior was talking to the rest of the nuns. 'We have a case of Chlamydia in the convent! An old nun at the back of the room replies 'I hope its better than that fucking Chardonnay we had last week'

In the cemetery I saw 4 men carrying a coffin round & round, 3 hrs later I saw the same men with the same coffin & I thought 2 myself................................................
they've lost the fucking plot

I was in the pub with the missus last night, and I said, "I love you."
She said, " Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied, "It's me, talking to the beer.

I'm not saying staff at my local Sainsbury's are inept, but I've used self checkout twice and I've already been named Employee of the Month.

Man buys a budgie. It kept repeating "I'm a scouse budgie & I'm hard as fuck!"After a week, man is so fed up he buys a kestrel, put it in the cage & said, "lets see how hard you are now!"Next mornin' the kestrel is dead, Budgie said, "I'm a scouse budgie & I'm hard as fuck!" Man buys a buzzard & put it in the cage. Next mornin' the buzzard is dead. Budgie said, "I'm a scouse budgie & I'm hard as fuck!"Man buys a golden eagle & put it in the cage. Next mornin' the eagle is dead & the budgie has no feathers left. Budgie said, " fuckin el lad I had to take my jacket off for that one!"

I got a new stick deodorant 2 day... The instructions said remove cap + push up bottom.... I can barely walk but whenever i fart the room smells lovely!

I thought my wife was having an affair. I confronted her, she broke down and admitted that it was with my brummy mate. I beat the shit out of her. Thats the last time she'll accuse me of having a brummy mate.

Today, my mate asked me if I knew the biological word for a swollen vagina.
I thought,Thick cunt

Fernado Torres..... Not as famous as his brother Clit....

My son was thrown out of school for letting a girl in his class wank him off. I said "Son, that's 3 schools you've been chucked out of now, any more and they'll stop you from teaching altogether..."

WOMEN eh!
Boob-jobs,
nose-jobs,
teeth bleaching,
tummy tucks,
liposuction,
colonic irrigation,
Botox,
pierced ears,
pierced nipples,
pierced bellies,
pierced clits,
eyebrows plucked,
bikini wax,
armpits shaved,
legs waxed....
and THEN,
they won't take it up the arse 'cos
''it hurts!''

Gaddafi warns of 2nd vietnam if foreign powers intervene in Libyan conflict.Yay! Full Metal Jacket sequel!

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong."What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For fuck sake, you wanker, it's 2am in the fucking morning!!"

What has 8 legs, stinks of piss, and isn't funny?Loose Women.

My mum just texted me saying 'call me ASAP'I think I'll stick to calling her 'Mum'.

The man tells his doctor that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past 7 months. The physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.When the wife comes to office, the doctor asks her why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband any more."For the last 7 months," the wife replies, "every morning I take a cab to work. I don't make much money and my husband doesn't give more than bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' I always give him an 'or what'. That makes me late to work I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to dock your salary, or what?' That's another 'or what.' On the way home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' And, again, I do an 'or what'. So you see, Doctor, when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want sex any more."The doctor thinks for a second. "So," he says, "are we going to tell your husband or what?"

My son came home from school yesterday with a sofa and two chairs. "Where did you get those from?" I said.He said, "Some bloke gave me them on the way home."I said, "What have I told you about accepting suites from strangers."

Last night during some role play my wife dressed up as Lara Croft.The effort was nice but she reminded me more of a fridge raider.

Just tied the knot, I'm so happy. Now just to kick the chair she's standing on and I'm a free man.

I met a Coventry supporter the other day who had three eyes and could fly, and he was 500 years old.Nah, I'm just bullshitting you. Whoever heard of a Coventry supporter?

You can tell a lot about a person by their car."For example: if it's in a ditch, it's a woman.

I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great! She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.

Three men stand outside the gates of heaven. St Peter says, "Due to overcrowding, only those who have suffered the most painful and cruel deaths can enter."The first man says, "Well, I've suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for sometime. I decided to leave work an hour or so early to try and catch her red handed. I Went up to the 25th floor of the apartment complex where I live, kicked the door down, and there she was, standing naked in the kitchen. I searched all over for him, but couldn't find him anywhere. I went out onto the balcony for a cigarette to calm down, and sure enough, there he was. Hanging down from the balcony. In all my rage, I stamped down on his fingers, but he wouldn't budge. I had to use my cigarette to get him to fall off. When he did fall however, the lucky bastard landed in a bush at the bottom of the complex. I went into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and hurled it over the side with all my might. It went over the side and crushed the man instantly. Unfortunatly, I'm quite out of shape and all the stress lead to a heart attack, which killed me. "St. Peter says, "Sounds like a rough day, you can go through." The Second man says, "I was on the balcony, at the 26th floor of the apartment complex where I live. I was doing gymnastics on the balcony, when I slipped off. Due to my gymnastic training, I was able to catch onto the balcony below. I was there for hours, so I thought I was safe when a man came out, instead he was angry and tried to break my fingers, eventually burning my hand with his cigarette forced my off.Luckily, I landed in a bush at the bottom. I was about to climb to safety, when suddenly, a fridge fell from the sky and killed me."St. Peter says "That's awful! You can go through."The third man says, "Picture this; I'm hiding naked in the fridge."

I just lost £10 because Chelsea failed to win. On the plus side, a brand new football worth about a tenner just landed in my back garden. Cheers Ashley Cole.

Sat in traffic this morning I saw something very amusingIn my wing mirror I could see a chap in a suit,clearly running for the bus.First of all he went flying after slipping on the path,getting his suit all dirty.Next,his suit case opened sending paperwork everywere,but he didnt stop,he was determined to make that bus.After leaping between cars and dodging many more pedestrians,it seemed he was going too make it.This was a herculean effort and every credit,but alas,it wasnt to be as the driver just smiled and pulled away,leaving the man swearing and shouting and throwing at least one shoe at the bus.Its at this point I thought too myself,I love being a bus driver.

My wife went to an Ann Summers party last night.Before she went she said to me, "I really want to buy a vibrator".I said, "Okay you can buy one, but it must be 2 inches smaller than me".She came back with a dildo that was 5ft 8.

I walked up to a hot girl and said "I would tell you a joke about my penis but it's too long"She replied "I would tell you a joke about my pussy but you wont get it"Bitch...

Stevie Wonder - 7 Children
David Blunkett - 5 Children
Ray Charles - 12 Children
I think it's safe to say that it's not wanking that makes you blind.

A scouser goes on Dragons Den and shows them an old shotgun and gamekeepers pouch. Peter Jones says "And what's your idea?" The Scouser replies "It's a simple concept Peter, just put the money in the fucking bag".

I'm selling my Microwave. The Kids put our pet rooster in it, now everything tastes of cock. Thought you might be interested!:-o

A cat sits by a river when a 3 inch sausage floats by, the cat dips his paw in but misses it. Soon a 6 inch sausage floats by, the cat dips his whole leg in but still misses it. Later a 9 inch sausage floats by, the cat jumps in + eats the sausage. The moral of the story? The bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy!

For fuck's sake, what a mess to sort out. I can't believe I've mixed their Valentines cards up.The girlfriend now thinks I love her and the wife thinks I want to fuck her.

I went to HMV on Sat and bought a rare Prince CD, I was a bit shocked to be charged £23 for it but wen I got home I partied like it was £19.99.

[flanflinger]

I used to go out with a vegetarian lady, but it didn't last long..........One night I got my cock out and said 'Come on darlin, give it a good suck'She replied ' No way! I don't allow meat in my mouth!'I said 'Ok just lick the cheese off it then!'


Man wakes wife up and asks "Would you like some coffee darling, or would you prefer sex?" "I'm not fussed " she replied," either way it's going to be fucking instant "


Two women are chatting in an office.Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"Woman 2: "Yes."Woman 1: "Was it good?"Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?"Woman 1: "Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!"At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.Husband 1: "You wanted sex last night, how was it?"Husband 2: "Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?"Husband 1: "It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't climax for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!"


Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom to find his Dad giving his Mum one. His Dad smirks and throws a pillow at the door saying, "Get outta here, you little shit!"A couple of hours later Dad hears a whole lot of commotion coming from little Johnny's bedroom. He goes up to find little Johnny giving his Grandma a right royal seeing to.Little Johnny smiles, "It's not so fucking funny when it's YOUR mum, is it?"


What's the difference between a gay and a microwave?A microwave won't brown your sausage.


Husband and wife...BEFORE MARRIAGE:Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!Wife - Do you want me to leave?Husband - No! Don't even think about it.Wife - Do you love me?Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?Husband - No! Why are you even asking?Wife - Will you kiss me?Husband - Every chance I get!Wife - Will you hit me?Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!Wife - Can I trust you?Husband - Yes.Wife - Darling!AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.


Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging off your dick...Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started.


A married man was having an affair with his secretary.One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home."Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house."Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"


at what point does cpr become necrophilia?


Don't bother sending your children's toys to Africa.Can you imagine how depressing it must be for those kids to receive a Tamagotchi that's going to outlive them?


Me and my mate were in the pub the other night and he told me he had a little party trick where he could take a teste out of his scrotum without feeling any pain. I shook my head in disbelief and bet him a tenner he couldn't.Well, he certainly pulled that one out of the bag.


SKY NEWS Budget Day: Chancellor To Offer £45 Tax Cut.That works out at 12p each per day, sales of Chomp bars are going to go through the roof.


Hollywood are already planning a movie about the life of Elizabeth Taylor.Its provisionally titled eight weddings and a funeral.


I met these beautiful Thai birds in a club last night. We really hit it off and eventually I plucked up the courage to asked them back to my place. Things were going really well but when they started stripping I had the shock of my life.They had vaginas.


Raoul Moats accomplice Karl Ness has been given a life time prison sentence, however it's his brother Loch thats the real monster.


A guy wins a 3 week holiday to the Caribbean, problem is.....he has a pet gorilla. He asks all his mates if they will look after it and they all make up crappy excuses for not doing it. He gets really desperate so he asks this guy he barely knows. He told him he could stay at his house for the entire 3 weeks and he'd pay him 250 quid. He tells this guy to feed it bananas and nothing else and then he says 'whatever you do don't touch the gorilla!', so the guy nods his head and then leaves for the airport.Three weeks go by, and the guy has managed to look after the pet gorilla. With a few hours to go until he is set to return, the guy starts to wonder what would happen if he touches the gorilla. He reaches through the metal bars, and touches the arm of the gorilla. Immediately, the gorilla jumps up and starts going crazy, pulling the bars apart. The guy quickly runs out of the house and jumps in a taxi. He can see the gorilla running down the road behind the taxi jumping on other cars, causing chaos. The man reaches the train station, where he jumps out and boards the train nearest to him. The train sets out, and he can see the gorilla running along the train track behind the train pulling up the wooden planks that hold the tracks together. The train arrives at the airport and he rushes to the nearest plane and takes off. The gorilla quickly manages to jump onto the wing of the plane and is hanging on throughout the flight. The plane lands at an airport by the sea, and he sprints from the airport to a dock in which he boards a boat. The gorilla swam for 2 miles behind the boat until they reached an island. The man jumped out the boat and ran up the sand and then realised he wasn't going to make it any further so he turned around and fell onto the ground exhausted.The gorilla ran up to the guy and shouted...............TIG, YOU'RE IT!


What's the best thing about anal sex?The bit where your dad starts crying at the end of it and offers to buy you a new mountain bike if you promise not to tell anyone.


I text a girl earlier saying "My penis is like a frenchman" To which she kinkily replied "Oh, so do I have to kiss it when I first meet it? ;] " I replied "No, it smells like croissants and cheese" ... I think it's pretty safe to say I know why I didn't get a reply. Fucking racist bitch...


10,000 to 15,000 people each day are going across the border from Libya into Egypt. Or as we call it in England, a trickle.


My five year old daughter has just started playing on the games console. Poor things not very good on it...She said to me, "Dad, will you get me a game I can easily win on?"I said, "Of course I will."So I've bought her 'Audley Harrison's Boxing' for the Wii.


Launched my new website today, up to the minute advice on domestic violence techniques.I've called it Twatter.


Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
I said "What's the matter?"
He said "I've got the big C".
I said "Cancer?"
He said "No, Dyslexia".


Rescuers in Japan have enlisted the help of George Michael, Elton John and Graham Norton to help search through the rubble. Their help will be invaluable, as they are experts at seeing Japs Eyes covered in shit.


Hiya. Just letting you know i'm in hospital. Don't panic. I've just poisoned myself. I ate what i thought was an onion. Turned out it was a daffodil bulb. I should be out in the spring.


(SHAG)
Funny word isnt it...To a carpet maker its a long pile rug...To a smoker its a type of tobacco.....To an American its a dance.... To an ornethologist its a bird....
And to you... ya ugly bastard.... its just a remote possibility!


I tried to form a new club teaching young kids to play the violin. Not one child showed up. With hindsight, calling it kiddie fiddlers probably wasn't a smart move.


African boxer Jigaboo Wogchops has just returned to the ring after having both feet amputated due to a horrific accident. So far he has had 12 fights without defeet


Father and son cannibals are walking through the jungle. They spot a gorgeous girl, naked, showering under a waterfall. "Shall we take her home and eat her?" asks the lad. "Will we fuck!" Dad says, "we'll take her home and eat your mother!"


Teacher at school in liverpool asks "does any1 know where Paki-stan is?" Little Johnny says "I think he goes home for dinner!"...


Wales.... The only country where you can get a delicious hotpot, a smashing jumper and a decent shag..... All from the same animal!


Paddy got an AM radio and it was six months before he realised he could use it in the afternoon.


Paddy says to Mick - Im ready for a holiday only this year im going to do it a bit different.
3yrs ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2yrs ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year? Paddy replies - I'll fukin take her with me!


A Scouser and a Yank aid worker are helping out in japan
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, "Liverpool."
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this fuckin place!"


Everton have renamed their trophy cabinet . itis now called the cabinet


Bloke in a nightclub sees a big fat girl at the bar,he walks up to her and asks "have you got a pen"? She looks up, smiles and says "yes!" He says "you'd better fuck off back to it then before the farmer notices you're missing!"


little african boy sitting at the table picking his nose .His mum says"Winston stop that its dirty" Winston replies "But all the white kids at school do it " His mum says "Not with a fucking soup spoon they dont!"


Lady mourning her husband for 4yrs, finally goes away with a man for a weekend.
On their 1st night, she gets naked except for a pair of black knickers.
He asks: "Why the black knickers?"
She says: "My breasts, u can fondle, my body is yours 2 explore, but, down there I'm still in mourning."
Next night the same. Only this time he's wearing a black condom.
She asks him, "Whats with the black condom?"
He replies, "I want 2 offer my condolences."


Ferguson stopped off at Sainsbury's on the way home from the humiliating defeat at Liverpool. He bought 2 bottles of whisky to soften the pain. When he got to the checkout the cashier said "will you be donating to comic relief this year Mr Ferguson?'' "Will I shite he replied". The cashier looked him straight in the eye and said "Put the fucking red nose back then ya tight c**t!


Englishman, Irishman Scotsman all discussing families. Englishman says "my son was born on St.Georges day so i called him George". Scotsman says "what a coincidence, my son was born on St.Andrews day so i called him Andrew". Irishman says "I don't believe this, wait till i tell our Pancake"


A BARMAN in town finds a very expensive looking pen and asks three guys at the bar if it belongs to them. Two of them say: "I wish it did mate, but sorry it's not ours." The third guy an Irishman says: "Lend it me a minute and I'll tell you!"
He starts writing on a beer mat and says: "Yep, it must be mine." "How so?" asks the barman. The Irishman replies: "Cos that's my writing."


Might have been a bit out of order last nite. I gave the wife a good slap cos my dinner was cold and sub-standard. On reflection, it was probly the restaurants fault


Man plays golf every Sunday.
He says to his wife
"I'm off love"
gets his bag, opens the door an its pissin down!
He thinks fuck it, gets back into bed and slips his wife one from behind.
She moans and starts waking up.
He says
"Its pissin down out there!"
She replies
"And that stupid twat's gone golfing!"

It's said that dogs can sense when an Earthquake is about to hit. Unfortunately for the Japanese they fuckin' ate them all.


Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every plant survives thirst, but a cactus can. Not every retard can read, but look at you having a go!
Today is International Nutters Day. Please send an encouraging msg to a fucked up friend, just as I've done. I don't care if you lick windows, interfere with farm animals or occasionally shit yourself. You hang on in there cup cake you're fucking special to me, you're my mate!


Medical fact... If a woman drinks 2 glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke. If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well!


Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea. It doesn't help your sexual performance, but it does stop your biscuit going soft.


What's E.T. Short for? . . . Because he's only got little legs.


Latest News from Libya..... Dear Jerry Adams, can u send that gear back i need it..... Col Gadaffi xox


I bought the wife a memory stick...it's great she hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex since the first beating.


A group of first-year medical students is gathered around an operating table for their first anatomy lesson with a dead body.
“As a doctor, you’ll need to develop two key skills,” the professor begins.
“The first is stoicism. You can’t be disgusted by anything involving the human body.”
The professor then rolls the body over, sticks his finger into the corpse’s butt, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth. “Now do the same,” he instructs. The horrified students hesitate, but eventually take turns dipping a finger into the cadaver’s anus and then sucking on it. When everyone has finished, the professor continues, “The second skill is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and then I sucked on my index finger. Pay attention.”


McVities have just bought out a new biscuit range, "CLITORIS-CREAMS". They guarantee.
"One lick & you'll wanna eat the Box"! (The ginger ones are an acquired taste!).


A bloke got a phone call off the police saying "your house has been broken into, they've drunk your Stella and raped your wife".
He said "I can't believe they've fucked her after only 3 cans"...:-D


Imagine being the Libyan leaders bodyguard when someone tries to shoot him and you have to shout "Gadaffi duck!"


Katie Price's arse. One crack that Gavin from Autoglass can't fix.


My mate recently went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.His girlfriend had found the ring in his pocket.She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.I don't know what's worse:Having your girl friend find out you're married.Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.OR...Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.


Now i know why they call it the funny bone........
i just elbowed a manc in the face and it was fucking hillarious!


A Manchester United fan and a Liverpool fan were driving head on one night and their cars collide . To their amazement neither is hurt but both cars are destroyed. In celebration of their good luck they agree to put their differences aside from that moment on. The United fan goes to the boot of his car and fetches a 12 yr old bottle of whisky. He hands it to the Liverpool fan who exclaims, "may the Mancs and the Scousers live together forever in peace and harmony" and then gulps down half the bottle. He goes to hand the bottle to the United fan who replies, "no thanks, i'll just wait til the police get here you scouse cunt"


Paddy's dad died & he was crying. Then he got a phone call & cried even louder!
Murphy asks: 'What happened now?'
Paddy says: 'Me sister just rang me, her dad's died as well!



Police message
Sick of having your house burgled by scousers and mancs? Save money on home security by simply writing the words JOB CENTRE on your front door.


An earthquake measurin 8.5 on the ricter scale devastated Wirral Birkenhead estate today causing £3.25p worth of damage!!! Eye witness Chantelle 14 yrs old mother of 3 kids said ' it was so fukin scary laaa I dropped me fukin can of Stella and me little lads hands where shakin that much he couldn't fukin roll his joint ' lmao fukin hilarious :-))


Iv been masturbating quite a lot recently, maybe upto 10 times a day.all of a sudden i stopped, i went to see my gp and told him iv not been feeling myself lately


Fucking police. The woman over the road stands naked in her window watching me having a wank and I'm the pervert?


As I stepped out of the shower, the mrs laughed and told me that my penis closely resembled a tic-tac.
"If that's the case," I joked,
"why does your sister still have bad breath?''
She didn't laugh.....


Lady goes 2 GP with a bee up her fanny. Doc says "Im gonna rub honey on my dick & insert it. When the bee smells it, I'll pull out & he'll follow. Dr starts & woman begins 2 moan. Dr gets faster & harder. Woman yells "What the fuck u doing? Doc says, Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard.


I was havin my cock sucked wen my wife asked me 2 let her know wen I was cumin.
I thought 2 myself, 'do I text her back or should I ring her?'


The homeless problem would be solved if the Big Issue had tits in it.


After a night of drink,drugs,& wild sex,Tom woke to find himself next to the ugliest woman he'd ever seen. That's when he realised,-he'd made it home safely..


I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow.I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels.I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to fuck the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a shit on the floor and piss everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock.Let's see Crimewatch fucking stage a reconstruction of that.


Dirk Kuyt went into burger king and asked for two whoppers. The girl behind the counter said 'ok your really good looking and have a great first touch.'


I was looking out the window today, when I saw my wife's mother coming up the street. I can honestly say I've never been so pleased to see the old twat I shouted to my wife, "Are you ready love? The hearse is here."


Does anyone have Oxfams number! I just got my water bill & then heard on the TV that Oxfam can supply a Family with water for just £2 a month! I'm fucking swapping suppliers !


Just seen a dyslexic yorkshireman with a cat flap on his head.


Paddys struggling down the road with a wardrobe. A friend says "Hey paddy, why dont u get mick to help?"
paddy says "He is, he's inside carryin the clothes!"


A real woman is a mans best friend. She will never stand him up & never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure & comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do, she will enable him to express deepest emotions & give in to his most intimate desires, she will make him feel confident & sexy, seductive & invincible... No wait .... I'm thinking of beer, It's fucking beer that does that. Sorry!!


I told the wife that i kept gettin a burnin sensation in my arse + didnt know what it was. She said 'ring sting'. I said 'what makes u think he'll fuckin know?'


12yr old boy goes into confession and says "forgive me father for i have sinned" the priest replies "you better not be cheatin on me u little cunt"


Two Whales overturn a ship using their Blow-holes.
"Shall we eat the crew?" asked Mr Whale
"Absolutely not"says Mrs Whale
"I may do Blow Jobs but I dont swallow Seamen!!"


3 men were captured by female savages & told their dicks would be removed in a manner appropriate 2 their jobs.
1st man was a lumberjack, so his would be chopped off
2nd man was a butcher so his would be sliced off.
3rd man rolled about in hysterics! his captors asked what was so funny?
He replied:
I work in a lollipop factory...


My husband said to me "let's go out tonight, get really pissed then have a good shag". I replied "sounds like a great idea, if u get home before me leave the key under the wheelie bin"


Paddy is in the pub telling his mates about his first parachute jump with the army. Paddy says "we were about 3O,OOO Ft up when they started to jump, when it was my turn I just couldnt jump - no way! Then this huge black guy pulled out his 12 inch cock and says "Paddy, if you dont jump I will stick this baby right up your arse." Paddys mates asked "well did you jump?" Paddy replies "just a bit when it first went in''...


Happy St Patrick Day, I know your not Irish, But you are Thick as Fuck...


A policeman with a sniffer dog came up to me the other day and said, "my dog tells me your on drugs, " ME" I said, "your the one with the fuckin talking dog"


I've always wondered what makes japanese people tick, and now I know... Geiger counters


Just pulled up in a disabled driver space outside Asda & a bloody car park attendant came over & said,"wots ur disability then?" i replied,"tourrettes you twat now fuck off!"


A man phones his wife from hospital and told her that his finger had been cut off in an accident in work. "OH MY GOD!" cried the wife. "The whole finger?". "No", he said, "the one next to it!"


Just been beaten up by Japanese tourists. They asked me to take their photo and gave me the camera. All i said was "give us a wave "


Said to my missus " Hey! fat cunt what do you want for your birthday?" She said "Don't get fucking lippy." I said "right, mascara it is, then!"


My local pub, "The Greyhound" has just announced that it will now be a gaybar and will be changing it's name to "The Whippet Inn" !!


Me and the wife were arguing at the bus stop when the bus pulled up. The driver opened the doors and asked if we were getting on. I said "no, she's a twat".


Two women talking.
'Do you look at your husband's face when you have sex?'
'I did once and he looked really angry.'
'Why angry?'
'Because he was watching from the fucking window.'


I told my doctor, "Doc, I feel as lifeless as a Welsh resort in winter." He said "Ah, it sounds like you're Rhyl."


What do women and clouds have in common?

Occasionally they fuck off and it's a really nice day!


Sky news- japanese airports are full as hundreds of foreigners are fleeing the country...... Maybe britain needs an earthquake


After both suffering depression for a while me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough, once she killed herself i started to feel a lot better, so i thought fuck it soldier on..!


i woke up last night to find the Ghost of Gloria Gaynor stood at the foot of my bed...At first, I was afraid.....I was petrified.


Paddy and murphy were walking through the woods and they came across some tracks, murphy said they were bear tracks paddy said they were wolf tracks, while they were arguing they were hit by a train.


Ten things men know about women:


1. They have a
vaginal opening.


2.


3.


4.


5.


6.


7.


8.


9.


10. And tits!


Ive got a fucking mole in my garden, if I catch the bastard, I am going to bury it alive


A pr0stitute told me I could have sex for £10 as she didn't have a womb!!
I asked how we would do it then. She said 'acwoss the woad against the wailings'...


Don't send any money in for the tokyo sunami appeal, they are fucking minted, I have just seen a bloke on telly getting interviewed outside his house and he has two fucking massive boats on his drive....


The UN has said if they capture Colonel Gaddafi they will put him somewhere he can't do any harm to anyone.....up front for Arsenal should do nicely!!!


I heard today that if Lybia are successful and Gadaffi is thrown out then Turkey could be next to riot. So in anticipation of this i've made a game for the iPhone where groups of turks catapult themselves at palaces and government buildings.Its called Angry Kurds.


Love me tender love me sweet, Wrap your lips around my meat, See me smile watch me grin, Watch my love run down your chin.


My wife looked horrified when our pet terrier had hold of a rabbit in it's mouth and was violently shaking it from side to side."It must have followed the scent," I said, "but you can still use the dildo with teeth marks in it can't you?"


what have women and parking spaces got in common?all the good ones are usually taken, so every now and then when no one's looking you have to stick it in a disabled one.

[ThePigDog]

From above with spacing

Husband and wife...BEFORE MARRIAGE:
Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

[flanflinger]

Ok Maddie, I guess you are now the official World Hide and Seek Champion of Champions now that Osama has been found, you can come out now!

I've just been charged for having sex in a public place.Sixty quid, behind a skip at the docks.

My little boy asked for a pet. So I stroked his head and said,"There you go, now fuck off."

I went to the doctors on friday, i said 'doctor, doctor, i feel like a cowboy!' he asked.'how long have you felt like that?' i said.'about a yeee-harrr'

Sergio ramos the real madrid player who dropped the cup while getting off the coach last week has said he wants to join everton so it never happens again.

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the Short Skirts and Low Cut Tops.Although, they do make me look a bit gay.

Paddy and Mick talking in the pub, Mick says 'you are a cunt, you've always been a cunt and you always will be a cunt, everything about you makes you a cunt, an utter cunt and complete cunt. In fact if you entered a cunt competition you'd come 2nd'
Paddy says 'why wouldn't I come first?'
Mick replies '...because you're a cunt...'

Kate s wedding shoes were too tight. Once in the bedroom Wills helped them off.
The family heard grunting, straining, a scream and Wills say, "That was tight."
The Queen said "I told you she was a virgin."
Then, they heard Wills say, "Now for the other one." There was more grunting and straining. At last Wills said, "My God. That was even tighter."
The Duke said "That's my boy, once a sailor, always a sailor

My new neighbour popped his head over the fence 2day & said "yo, what's going down brother?" i said "the value of my house since u moved in, u Manc cunt"

Little johnny neighbours had a baby but was born without ears . Johnny and his mum and dad went to visit the baby and johnny was warned not to mention its missing ears or he would get a good spanking . Johnny looking in the cot and said and said what a lovely baby hows his eyesight . The babys mother said its was perfect johnny replied thats great cos hed be stuffed if he needed glases -

Whats black and steals all ya bank details? A ps3 ya racist motherfuckers :-D

They say the royal wedding will be just like Charles and Diana's, fairytale ending.I dont remember Cinderella having the brake lines cut on the pumpkin carriage and prince charming marrying the horse.

such a shame to hear that the human cannonball lost his life the other day.his career was just taking off.

Mother-in-law says 2 her daughter-in-law: "I dont mean 2 offend u, but my grandson looks nothin like my son!" Daughter-in-law says "Ive a pussy between my legs not a fuckin photocopier!"

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father,
I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I
started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair
and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in
confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling
me?" "Because I'm telling everybody!"

After the tragic death of a ' human canonball ' at a daredevil show in Kent , a Maidstone Council spokesperson said ' we won't see anyone of his calibre again '

My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the other diners started calling me a 'paedo' and a 'cradle snatcher.' All because I'm a 52 year old man with a 21 year old girlfriend. It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary meal.

More money is spent on boob jobs & viagra than on alzeimer's research! By 2040 the elderly will have perky tits, stiff cocks and no fucking idea why.

William must be going on honeymoon to Wales, cos i've just lip read him saying to harry he's going to Bangor all weekend !

I am having problems setting up my web page cannonballman.co.uk..
The net keeps crashing...

2 oap's are enjoying oral sex together. The old man says 'i cant stay down here too long it stinks'. The old lady replies 'sorry its my arthritis'. Man replies 'arthritis in your fanny?' 'no' says the old lady 'its in my shoulder, i cant wipe my arse'.

How do u turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

Whats the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side...

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and hips called as a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there...

How do u make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care...!

What do u say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already!

I saw a sign whilst i was at the hospital the other day. 'Family planning - Please use rear entrance' Fuckin excellent advice if u ask me.

After watching my fat cunt of a wife demolish five Easter eggs this morning, I had to make an alteration to her "Happy Easter" card. I crossed out the "s".

I was in the gym last night, and I got chatting to this bird, I said have you tried skipping, she said what like boxers do with a rope, I said, no meals you fat bitch.

An African man just begged me for money and when I said no, he burst into tears.
Fucking emotional black male.

Failed a job interview today. Apparently gangbang isn't proof that you have worked as part of a team.

I've done my chores for the day; I just filled the dishwasher. Or "making love" as she puts it.

World Asthma Day 3rd of May 2011They are hoping for a big turn out, I wouldn't hold my breath.

Surely Gomes must have now beaten Danielle Lloyd world record of most premiership players balls bouncing underneath them in one season??

I was in a band called "Stealth sodomists"we had a surprise entry in the number 2 slot

Egypt - Rioting in the streets to overthrow an evil dictatorshipLibya - Rioting in the streets to overthrow an evil dictatorshipSyria - Rioting in the streets to overthrow an evil dictatorshipBristol - Rioting in the streets to stop them opening a new Tesco

My ex wife could manipulate the muscles of her fanny so it felt like you were getting a blow job, which is ironic because when she manipulated the muscles of her mouth she sounded like a c*nt.

Super skin tight black leggings are the sexiest item of clothing in the world.Just a pity people can see my bollocks through them.

I just spent half an hour trying to take my wife's bra off.Damn, I wish i never tried it on.

I said to my wife "I've found this amazing new lipstick that makes you lose weight!"Its called Super Glue.

Someone's been spreading rumours about you, saying that you eat cock sandwiches!
But I stood up for you & let them know you don't like bread

Cant wait till kates face is on the £10 note,then i can say iv come in to money.

Did you hear about the crocodile that couldn't get a hard on?He had a reptile dysfunction.

A couple of girls have joined a facebook group; I have a best friend of the opposite sex, and they mean the whole world to me we are not dating and yes, we do laugh together, that isn't flirting that is called a joke. I can tell secrets and they will keeep them.how come I havent seen the group for lads.What do I have to do to smash this girl, am even laughing at her piss poor jokes and when I do finally smash it, I cant wait to tell the lads down the boozer them secrets about her being daddy's special girl.

I didn't know robots could get headaches, indigestion or feel pain...But I just read in the news that Sony are releasing Android tablets.

Paddy's in the bed with his wife one evening when the next door neighbours dog is barking, causing a real nuisance. "I'm going to go down and sort this out for good!" He announces.A few minutes later, Paddy comes back from outside and climbs into the bed, but the dog is still barking."Well, what did you do!?" said the wife."I put it in our garden to see how they fucking like it!"

If I ever fisted someone, I'm pretty sure my hand would instinctively grope around for a Pringle while it was in there.

So, the anagram of Kate Middleton is NAKED TIT MODELThen the anagram of William Philip is Hail, I will pimpWhat a pair they'll make;Hail, I will pimp naked tit model

a lad in barnsley is shagging his sister when she says "you know your just as good as dad" he replies "thats what mum said!"

I just discovered that there is a machine that can take you back 30 years in time.Its called the Isle of Man Ferry.

I'm a jedi in the bedroom. When I run out of lube I use the force.

I asked the publisher what he thought about my autobiography?"It's shit" he said."Story of my life" I replied.

I remember when I first started dating my wife, I got a hard-on just watching her eating a banana.
Now after ten years of marriage, I only get aroused if the old bitch starts choking on it.

[flanflinger]

I went dogging with the wife last night.
Never again.
By the time she'd finished parking the car everyone had fucked off!

Latest news says the task of burying Bin Laden at sea was said to be given to the irish navy. Reports say six irish sailors drowned carrying the coffin.

I've just had Starbucks new drink its called an Osama Bin Latte, a fluffy white head with two shots in it.

Now that henry coopers died, i wonder if muhamed ali will stop shaking?

Do you think Kate and Will paid for a wedding video, or did they just use Sky+?

A woman calls her husband into the bedroom. ‘Now Mike, I want you to take off my blouse!’
‘Good..’
‘Now I also want you to take off my Bra.’
‘Good...’
‘Now can you take off my panties.’
‘Very Good! Now, don't let me catch you wearing them again!’

‘They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That's not as bad as it sounds, considering that the other 50% end in death.’

Pippa Middleton's arse is like a JK Rowling book. You know somewhere along the line Harry's going be in it!

The Dyslexic Special Forces got involved in the operation to kill Bin Laden. They raided Debenhams on Sunday morning after hearing Bed Linen was on the 3rd floor.

I don't believe Bin Laden is dead,Everyone knows that they don't take out bins on bank holidays.

Rumours that Osama Bin Laden was found hiding in Evertons trophy room have been dismissed. In a statement the club chairman said. "that's complete nonsense, there's no such place"

What does Kate Middleton have in common with Osama Bin Laden ?Last Sunday they both had their back doors smashed in and shot in the face by a bloke in the Navy

10 years, billions of dollars spent, thousands of troops dead, state of the art technology and the US finally find Bin Laden... In his fuckin house!!!

Apparently the worlds most hated man is dead, I was planning a party till I found out it wasn't Gary Nevill

Will you stop textin me. I'm on holiday in Japan and every time my phone vibrates I shit myself!

It has been confirmed that it wasent the navy seals that killed bin laden. It was a stray shot from emile heskey

A Royal wedding, 4 days off, Man Utd losing and Osama Bin Laden being killed, Carlsberg don't do bank holidays but they thought fuck it we will do this one.
Just in case Bin Laden thought he was going to heaven they've put Henry Cooper on the door.

Osama Bin Laden is dead, early reports suggest he accidentally opened a parcel addressed to Neil Lennon!

Woman says to her husband "You only ever want sex when you're pissed."
Husband replies "That's not true. Sometimes I want a kebab."

My new sexual position is called 'The Osama...I burst into the bedroom & shoot my load on her face!

What's the difference between Henry Cooper and Osama Bin Laden ? Henry cooper could stay on his feet after a full 12 rounds.

International "Shoot a Bearded Bastard" week has started well! Brian Blessed is in hiding while apparently Gerry Adams isn't confident of making it to Thursday unscathed!

News just in re: Bin Laden's death. Elton John to record tribute song 'Sandals in the Bin'

Osama Bin Laden - Coming soon to a beach near you.

I was at the pub the other night when i saw a girl standing alone at the bar, so i decided to approach her....
"Call me old fashioned, but was your father a thief?"
"Why?" she asked, giggling and fluttering her eye lids awaiting my witty chat up line... "because you're a Manc" I replied!

Just been gang raped by a group of mime artists....... They did unspeakable things to me.

Spent some time at the wife's grave last night. God bless her... She thinks I'm digging a pond...

I was at work yesterday and one of the women from the office asked me what my ring tone was.
'Light brown like everyone else' I replied. These women are certainly a lot more forward than they used to be !

Bet bin laden regrets filling that fucking census form in now!

I just told my new girlfriend that i suffer from premature ejaculation......... Fair play to her, she took it on the chin!

My son asked me to help him with his homework the other night. The question was "Name the famous british castle severely damaged by smoke during the 1990's I was called into the school today to avoid my son getting suspended as his answer was Roy Castle.

[ilscuro]

10 years, billions of dollars spent, thousands of troops dead, state of the art technology and the US finally find Bin Laden... In his fuckin house!!!

Love it

[pacman88]

LOL some good one there

[flanflinger]

Dalglish - the most feared caretaker since Ian Huntley

A teenage girl was wearing a see-thro top n no bra. Her gran threw a fit.You cant go out like that. Chill gran these are modern times u gotta let ya rose buds show.Next day she comes in 2 find gran topless. Aaaargh u cant do that gran. Gran says if u can show ya rose buds i can show me hanging baskets

10 priests were killed in a road accident. At the Pearly Gates, St Peter says.. "If any of you are paedophi1es then go to Hell." Nine priests start walking away, when St Peter shouts.. " And take the deaf cunt with you."

A Native American Red Indian introduced me to his wife..."This is four horses.........." I said wow "That's a beautiful name. What does it mean..."? He said "Fuckin nag,nag,nag,fucking nag!

Mosquito net : £12. Fresh water supply : £500. A starving african child : Riceless.

Seve ballasteros will be buried today in the same grave as his father, he will be 1 over pa.

Two Scouse cellmates, both writing letters home, one turns to the other and says.
'Ow d'ya spell Darryl"
The other chews the end of his crayon for a second before replying 'Y'don't know anyone called Darryl'
"I know!' replies the first 'I'm writing to me Mam an I'm asking for a pair 'a shoes Darryl fit me!"

Dad cooks Deer for kids tea but doesn't tell them what it is. He says "try and guess what it is, here's a clue its something your mother calls me"
Little Jonny says to his sister "Dont eat it - its a fuckin nob"

A man goes to confession after a sixteen year absence. As he sits in the booth he looks around and says to the priest 'confession is different these days father, I dont remember a leather chair, bottles of whisky, guinness on tap and gay porn mags being in the booth before'. The priest says 'thats because your sitting on my fucking side!

How unlucky was bin laden ? If he had been captured by the british he would now be living in a council house on a pension, claiming a human rights payout and disability God Bless The USA

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe.
Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Not to be outdone by the U.S.
An elite Irish regiment has attacked Battersea dogs home & killed 27 afghan's

Wife goes to the docs with her hubby for a check up, afterwards the doc calls the wife in alone, "Your husband is suffering from severe stress, do as i say & he may live, each morning give him oral sex, cook him a good meal every night, be pleasant at all times, don't nag him and give him full sex 3 times a week, in a few years he will be fully fit again," On the way home the hubby asks, "What did the doc say?" Wife replies, "You're gonna die!"

[consoles]

no updates on these, missing the updated jokes.

[hotentot]

no updates on these, missing the updated jokes.

I second that, can't seem to find any decent jokes around lately

[flanflinger]

Can I buggery remember where I hosted the file with all these jokes on lol...

[flanflinger]

you know times are hard when you have come off social networking sites and you spend all your time trolling and copying shite that you have already posted