definitive internet

Thread: definitive internet

  1. shadygeezer's Avatar

    shadygeezer said:

    definitive internet

    What Is The Internet ? - A FAQ For Beginners

    Q. What's a FAQ ?
    A. This text is.. it means "Frequently Asked Questions"

    Q. Oh, so it's not a dirty word then ?
    A. No, - it just sounds a bit like one.

    Q. So, What, exactly, is the Internet?
    A. The Internet is a worldwide network of university,
    government, business, and private computer systems.

    Q. Who runs it?
    A. A 12-year-old named Kevin.

    Q. How can I get on the Internet?
    A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the
    popular commercial "on-line" services, such as AOL,
    CompuServe, Netscape Online, BT Internet, etc, etc,
    which will give you their program disks for free. Or,
    if you just leave your house unlocked, they'll sneak
    in some night and install their programs on your
    computer when you're sleeping. They are really
    desperate for your business with them.

    Q. What are the benefits of these services?
    A.The major benefit is that they all have simple,
    "user-friendly" interfaces that enable you -- even if
    you have no previous computer experience -- to provide
    the on-line services with the information they need to
    automatically put monthly charges on your credit card
    bill forever.

    Q. What if I die?
    A. They don't care.

    Q. Can't I cancel my account?
    A. Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime.

    Q. How?
    A. Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us
    have been trying for years to cancel our on-line
    service accounts, but no matter what we do, the
    charges keep appearing on our bills. We're thinking of
    entering the Federal Witness Protection Program.

    Q. What if I have children?
    A. You'll want an anaesthetic, because it really hurts.

    Q. No, I mean What if my children also use my Internet
    account?
    A. You should just sign your house and major internal
    organs over to the on-line service right now.

    Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I do
    once I'm connected to an on-line service?
    A. Millions of things! An incredible array of things!
    No end to the number of things you can do!

    Q. Like what?
    A. You can ... ummmm ... OK! I have one! You can chat.

    Q. Chat?
    A. Chat.

    Q. I can already chat. I chat with my friends.
    A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of
    people all over the entire globe, you can chat with
    total strangers, many of whom are boring and stupid!

    Q. Sounds great! How does it work?
    A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to
    chat in. Some areas are just for general chatting, and
    some are for specific interest groups, such as Teens,
    Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People, Gays, Gay Teens Who
    Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of course Guys Having
    Pointless Arguments About Sports. At any given moment,
    an area can contain anywhere from two to dozens of
    people, who use clever fake names such as "ByteMe2" so
    nobody will l know their real identities.

    Q. What are their real identities?
    A. They represent an incredible range of people, people
    of all ages, in all kinds of fascinating fields from
    scientists to singers, from writers to wranglers, from
    actors to athletes -- you could be talking to almost
    anybody on the Internet!

    Q. Really?
    A. No. You re almost always talking to losers and
    hormone-crazed 13-year-old boys. But they pretend to
    be writers, wranglers, scientists, singers, etc.

    Q. What do people talk about in chat areas?
    A.Most chat-area discussions revolve around the
    fascinating topic of who is entering and leaving the
    chat area. A secondary, but equally fascinating topic
    is where everybody lives. Also, for a change of pace,
    every now and then the discussion is interrupted by a
    hormone-crazed 13-year-old boy wishing to talk dirty
    to women -- or to other 13-year-old boys. To give you
    an idea of how scintillating the repartee can be,
    here's a re-creation of a typical chat area dialogue
    (Do not read this scintillating repartee while
    operating heavy machinery.)


    LilBrisket: Hi everybody
    Wazootyman: Hi LilBrisket
    Toadster: Hi Bris
    Lungftook: Hi B
    LilBrisket: What's going on?
    Toadster: Not much
    Lungftook: Pretty quiet

    (LONGISH PAUSE)

    Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
    LilBrisket: No
    Toadster: Nope
    Lungftook: Sorry

    (LONGISH PAUSE)

    UvulaBob: Hi everybody
    Toadster: Hi UvulaBob
    Lungftook: Hi Uvula
    LilBrisket: Hi UB
    Wazootyman: Hi U
    UvulaBob: What's happening?
    LilBrisket: Kinda slow
    Toadster: Same old same old
    Lungflook: Pretty quiet
    Jason56243837: LilBrisket, take off your panties
    LilBrisket: OK, but I'm a man

    (LONGISH PAUSE)

    Wazootyman: UvulaBob, are you from Texas?
    UvulaBob: No.

    (LONGISH PAUSE)

    Lungftook: Well, gotta run.
    Toadster: 'bye, Lungflook
    LilBrisket: Take 'er easy, Lungster
    Wazootyman: See ya around, Lung
    UvulaBob: So long, L

    (LONGISH PAUSE)

    PolypMaster: Hi everybody
    LilBrisket: Hey, PolypMaster
    Toadster: Yo, Polyp
    UvulaBob: Hi, P
    PolypMaster: What's going on?
    LilBrisket: Not much
    Toadster: Pretty quiet
    UvulaBob: Kinda slow ...

    And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after riveting
    hour, where the ideas flow fast and furious, and at
    any moment you could learn some fascinating nugget of
    global-network information, such as whether or not
    PolypMaster comes from Texas.

    Q. I've heard that people sometimes use Internet chat
    areas to have "cybersex." What exactly is that?
    A. This is when two people send explicitly steamy
    messages to each other, back and forth, back and
    forth, faster and faster, hotter and hotter, faster
    and faster and hotter and harder and harder until
    OHHHH GODDDDDDDD they suddenly find that they have a
    bad case of sticky keyboard, if you get my drift.

    Q. That's disgusting!
    A. Yes.

    Q. Could you give an example?
    A. Certainly

    Born2Bone: I want you NOW
    HunniBunni: I want YOU now
    Born2Bone: I want to take off your clothes
    HunniBunni: Yes! YES!
    Born2Bone: I'm taking off your clothes
    HunniBunni: OH YESSSS

    (LONGISH PAUSE)

    HunniBunni: Is something wrong?
    Born2Bone: I can't unhook your brassiere
    HunniBunni: I'll do it
    Born2Bone: Thanks. Oh my god! I'm touching your,
    umm, your...
    HunniBunni:Copious bosoms?
    Born2Bone: Yes! Your copious bosoms! I'm touching
    them!
    HunniBunni: YES!
    Born2Bone: Both of them!
    HunniBunni: YESSS!!
    Born2Bone: I'm taking off your panties!
    HunniBunni: You already did.
    Born2Bone: Oh, OK. You're naked! I'm touching your
    entire nakedness!
    HunniBunni: YESSSSSS!!!
    Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
    Born2Bone: No
    HunniBunni: No
    Born2Bone: I am becoming turgid in my manfulness!
    HunniBunni: YES! YES YOU ARE!! YOU ARE A BULL! YOU
    ARE MY GREAT BIG RAGING BULL STALLION!

    Wazootyman: Hey, thanks

    HunniBunni: Not you
    Born2Bone: I AM A STALLION! I AM A RAGING, BULGING
    BULL STALLION, AND I AM THRUSTING MY ... MY ... ummm ...
    HunniBunni: Your love knockwurst?
    Born2Bone: YES! I AM THRUSTING MY LOVE KNOCKWURST
    INTO YOUR ... YOUR...
    HunniBunni: Promise you won't laugh?
    Born2Bone: Yes
    HunniBunni: My passion persimmon
    Born2Bone: Ha ha!
    HunniBunni: You promised!
    Born2Bone: Sorry. OK, here goes I AM THRUSTING MY
    MASSIVE KNOCKWURST OF LOVE INTO YOUR PASSION
    PERSIMMON!
    HunniBunni: YES! YES! YES!
    Born2Bone: OHHH! IT FEELS SO GOOD!! I FEEL POWERFUL!!
    HunniBunni: YOU ARE POWERFUL, BORN2BONE!! I FEEL
    YOUR POWER INSIDE ME!!!
    Born2Bone: IT FEELS LIKE, LIKE ...
    HunniBunni: Like what?
    Born2Bone: IT FEELS JUST LIKE, OHMIGOD ... OHMIGOD ...
    HunniBunni: TELL ME, BORN2BONE!! TELL WHAT IT FEELS
    LIKE!!
    Born2Bone: OH LORD IT FEELS LIKE... IT FEELS LIKE
    WHEN I BREAK A TIE VOTE IN THE SENATE!
    HunniBunni: What did you say?
    Born2Bone: Whoops
    HunniBunni: It feels like when you break a tie vote
    in the Senate?
    Born2Bone: Umm, listen, what I meant was ...
    HunniBunni: This is you, isn't it, Al? ISN'T IT??
    YOU JERK!!! YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE ATTENDING A STATE
    FUNERAL THIS AFTERNOON!!!
    Born2Bone: Tipper?
    HunniBunni: Whoops


    Q. Aside from chatting, what else can I do on the
    Internet?
    A. You can join one of the thousands of forums wherein
    people, by posting messages, discuss political topics
    of the day.

    Q. Like what?
    A. Barry Manilow.

    Q. There's a forum for Barry Manilow?
    A. There's a forum for everything.

    Q. What happens on these forums?
    A. Well, on the Barry Manilow forum, for example,
    fans post messages about how much they love Barry
    Manilow, and other fans respond by posting messages
    about how much they love Barry Manilow, too. And
    then sometimes the forum is invaded by people
    posting messages about how much they hate Barry
    Manilow, which in turn leads to angry counter
    messages and vicious name-calling that can go on
    for months.

    Q. Just like junior high school!
    A. But even more pointless.

    Q. Are there forums about sex?
    A. Zillions of them.

    Q. What do people talk about on those?
    A. Barry Manilow.

    Q. No, really.
    A. OK, they talk about sex, but it is not all
    titillating. Often you'll find highly scientific
    discussions that expand the frontiers of human
    understanding.

    Q. It is a beautiful thing, the Internet.
    A. Indeed it is.
    Smile it's the second best thing you can do with your lips:D :D :D
    I'd walk a mile for one of your smiles and even
    farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
     
  2. spagboll's Avatar

    spagboll said:

    Default

    LOL, Very good mate, long! but good..

    Mike..