New Work Policies!

Thread: New Work Policies!

  1. Soulassassin's Avatar

    Soulassassin said:

    Default New Work Policies!

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    SICK DAYS:

    We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    SURGERY:

    Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of your employment contract.

    PERSONAL DAYS:

    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

    VACATION DAYS:

    All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25.

    BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

    This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is unavoidable, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
    subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

    OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:

    This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

    RESTROOM USE:

    Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the
    next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors (in writing)
    must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

    LUNCH BREAK:

    Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Overweight people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.

    DRESS CODE:

    It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume
    you are doing financially well and therefore you do not need a raise.

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's or input should
    be directed elsewhere.

    Have a nice week.

    Human Resources Department
     
  2. flexkavana's Avatar

    flexkavana said:

    Default Re: New Work Policies!

    lol....we had something like this sent around work..it was called the new california
    workers manual..with a pic of governor arnie
     
  3. Soulassassin's Avatar

    Soulassassin said:

    Default Re: New Work Policies!

    WHoooaaaa!!!!!!

    I was gonna say who's using my name to post jokes, I didnt post this its bloody ancient....
    Till I noticed the date :nowords:
     
  4. LION's Avatar

    LION said:

    Default Re: New Work Policies!

    lol its funy
     
  5. MaxP's Avatar

    MaxP said:

    Default Re: New Work Policies!

    post been up for 2 years and finaly someone found it funny enough to let out a LOL.....,

    you can now rest easy at night soul matey....
     
  6. Chippa's Avatar

    Chippa said:

    Default Re: New Work Policies!

    Quote Originally Posted by MaxP
    post been up for 2 years and finaly someone found it funny enough to let out a LOL
    Maybe he's a slow reader. :nowords: