The Ten Scariest Hot Sauces
10
Don’t be fooled by the cuddly little bottle or the cute pun contained in the name: this hot sauce is packing 750,000 Scoville units. In other words, it’s about ten times as hot as Tabasco sauce. We’re not really sure why, precisely, it comes in a teddy bear bottle, except perhaps that the company that makes it has an extremely well-developed and rich sense of bad puns. And yet, it’s the minor leagues when it comes to this list.
9.
Satan’s Blood
We’ll give the manufacturers of Satan’s Blood credit for responsible business practices. Not only does the name adequately convey that this is one heck of a strong hot sauce, it also comes in a little tiny bottle. Although, at 800,000 Scoville units, you don’t really need a lot. In fact, you probably don’t need any, but that’s never stopped the adventurous, or the foolish. Blaspheme away!
8.
Cool Million
This has to be the absolute worst case of misleading advertising that we’ve ever seen, and we research weird advertising all the time. There isn’t a thing remotely cool about this stuff. The Cool Million is a pepper extract designed to be, well, a million Scoville units. Yes, you read this correctly. The third entry on this list has crossed a million.
We’re pretty sure that at this point, any pretence that this is about flavoring the food has pretty much been put by the wayside. This is purely about how well you can torture yourself. It’s a matter of chest pounding honor, at a million Scoville units. But, of course, it can get much, much worse.
How much worse can it get? Read on!
7.
Pyro Diablo
This is 1.5 million Scoville units. We’re just going to let that sink in for a minute. Now consider that this sauce actually comes in the surprising responsible packaging of an eye dropper to keep people from just slathering it on like a bunch of idiots. This is a brilliant idea, actually. An eye dropper stops to make people think about balance, and how much to add to the mix. Makes it almost medical.
Or, if they’re stupid, they think about putting it in their eyes. In fact, we’ll lay down money that it’s actually happened.
6.
Demon Ichor
A product has to be daring to call itself “pure evil”, even from a company that calls itself Screamin’ Demon. Demon Ichor makes a respectable run at the title with a heat of two million Scoville units. This stuff is so strong they actually advise keeping it away from children. We suggest just the opposite. Children should play with this stuff. It’s never too early for them to learn what chemically induced pain is, or that their parents are the kind of people who actually consume stuff like this. Builds character!
5.
Wanza’s Wicked Temptation
Tied with Demon Ichor, but ranking slightly higher for its mildly misleading label, is Wanza’s Wicked Temptation. It’s got the same heat: 2 million Scoville units. But it also has an alluring temptress on the bottle and not much in the way of indications that it’s anything other than a fairly standard, plain old hot sauce. In other words, it’s setting you up to light yourself on fire, and we just have to rank that a little higher, if for no other reason than the fact that Demon Ichor at least tells you what you’re getting into.
4.
Magma 4
We’re kind of amusing that this is bundled with a sauce called “Frostbite”, which is below a million, but it’s trying to be honest: after having Magma, it’ll feeling cooling and soothing. That’s because Magma lives up to its name: four million Scoville units.
Yes, we have, in fact, jumped two million Scoville units. Expect that to be pretty consistent for the rest of this list: the hot sauce wars do not do things in half measures. Speaking of which…
3.
357 Mad Dog Pepper Extract
So, if a hot sauce manages to name itself after both an extremely scary and powerful firearm, and an even more scary and powerful cheap wine, namely the dreaded Mogdan David, you know it’s a hot sauce deserving of your respect and fear, and this does not disappoint: it’s five million Scoville Units.
Stop and consider for a moment how bad it is that a sauce that is about a thousand times hotter than your standard hot sauce only pulls third on this list. Third.
2.
The Source
You’ve got to respect anything that the manufacturer takes the time to put in its own special box. The Source is decidedly one of these products, offering a fairly mild presentation with mythological imagery and some text inside to explain what, exactly, you’re paying for beyond pretty good graphic design. As it turns out, you are paying for 7,100,000 Scoville Units. Yes. Seven point one million. That’s “burn your tongue off” hot. That’s hotter than chemical mace. That’s almost the hottest thing in the world.
There are a few other hot sauces that are hotter; ten million Scoville units, eleven million Scoville units, along those lines. But they’re all from the same manufacturer, Blair, and we thought instead of goofing around with their second best, we’d present you with the single hottest sauce ever to be created:
1.
Blair’s 16 Million Reserve
Yep, it comes with a solid gold skull. Pretty neat, huh? But you don’t care about that. You want to know how hot the hottest hot sauce that will ever exist is.
OK. Sixteen million Scoville units.
How do we know that’s the hottest hot sauce that will ever exist? Because that’s the highest the Scoville scale, our measure of spiciness, actually goes. That’s pretty much pure capsaicin, the chemical that makes hot peppers burn so much. Essentially this is pure bottled pain.
And it’s expensive, to boot. But then, how much do you really want it?
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Originally Posted by EvilBoB
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