Lets hear some of your best Jokes!

[pctuner1984]

Here's one to start you off that made me laugh.

why is it, that when your girlfriend is pregnant all her friends rub her belly and say "well done"...
but they never rub your balls and say "good job"

[munkydust]

What's white and can't climb trees....


A fridge!

[TIN CAN]

Paddy goes to his local nurse to say he has a severe rash on his balls, she examines him and says you're going to have to stop wanking, he says why? She says because I'm trying to examine you.


Ok I never was a joker

[consoles]

The Jedward twins.

[pctuner1984]

funny keep um comin lol

[pctuner1984]

Here's another of my fav's

Apparently the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag, so every morning i slap the missus and say " two sugars, fat ass"

[AxE]

Paddy and mick drivin down the road and paddy says look at that flock of cows over there.. Mick says herd of cows u fuckin idiot' paddy says course ive heard of cows u wanker, theres a flock of them over there.

[{{909}}]

These are 2 that always stick in my mind, I heard variations on them, these are the closest ones online cos i cant be arsed to type them out myself

Making De Love

The Italian says, “When I’ve a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches above a da bed in ecstasy”.

The Frenchman replies, “Zat is nothing, when Ah ‘ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy”.

The Aussie says, “Mate, that’s nothing. When I’ve finished shaggin my missus, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my dick on the curtains. And MATE .... She hits the f*!king roof.


The frog in the bank
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name is Patricia Whack.
"Ms.Whack," he says, "I'd like to obtain a loan to buy a boat."
Patti furrows her brow and asks, "Well, how much do you want to barrow?"
"$30,000," the frog says.
The teller writes this down, then asks his name.
"My name is Kermit Jagger.I'm the son of Mick Jagger."
"Really?" she asks, eyebrow raised.
"Yes,"he says. Then he digs into his pants pocket and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant."And I want to use this as collateral."
"Ummm, okay," Patti says, accepting the elephant."I'll have to ask the owner about this."
"That's fine," he says. "He'll vouch for me."
Patti walks into the bank owner's office and explains the situation."There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000 to buy a boat.He wants to use this"- she holds up the tiny pink elephant-"as collateral. I mean, what the heck is this thing?"
The owner says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[GTI]

John: Want to play the rape game?
Sally: No!
John: That's the spirit

[munkydust]

Two cows were standing in a field. One said "Moo", the other one said "Bastard, I was going to say that!".

[ganjaman2]

A priest kept chickens at his village
parish and one evening the cockerel went
missing. At mass the priest asked
"Who has a cock?" All the men got up.
"No, I meant who has seen a cock"
All the women stood up.
"No, no, who has seen a cock that
isn't theirs?" - Half the women got up.
"Oh for goodness sake" said the priest.
"Who has seen my cock?"
All the choir boys got up.

[ganjaman2]

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.
They are bringing together the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus".
It comes in pink, and it is assumed that the average male car thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.

[ganjaman2]

girl was in the shower with gran, pointed and asked what's that?
gran replies "that's my beaver"
Next day girl was in the shower wif her mum, pointed and said "i know what that is, that's a beaver"
Mum asks "how do you know that?"
girl replies "gran told me, but i think hers must be dead because the toungue is hanging out!"

[ganjaman2]

Peter Andre has applied for a job in a Chilean coal mine. He's got four years experience of humping the slag



Sat oppsite an indian lady on the train today,she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.I thought she was dead until i saw the red dot on her forehead and realised she was on standby!!



Got stopped by a woman with a clipboard. She asked sir, what grooming products you use? "Should have seen her face when I said "haribo."

[koola2]

Two Donkeys in a boat....
One turns to the other and says "E-awww"
Other one replies "No you f'in row"

[pete252]

So Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in the divorce court.

The judge says to Mickey " I can't grant your divorce just because Minnie has 'sticky out teeth'"

So Mickey says "I didn't say she has sticky out teeth, I said she was f**king Goofy"

[outlawtown]

Peter Andre has applied for a job in a Chilean coal mine. He's got four years experience of humping slag and lifting a heavy spade.

Sat oppsite an indian lady on the train today,she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.I thought she was dead until i saw the red dot on her forehead and realised she was on standby!

Ooooer missus!

[russbeer]

Peter Andre has applied for a job in a Chilean coal mine. He's got four years experience of humping slag and lifting a heavy spade.



Got stopped by a woman with a clipboard. She asked sir, what grooming products you use? "Should have seen her face when I said "haribo."

Those two are comedy gold. K given.

[baggy13]

paddy in his local pizza place the assistance asks paddy if he wants his pizza cutting in 6 or 8 pieces paddy replies "you better make it 6 i couldnt eat 8 pieces"

[ganjaman2]

A lesbian goes to a gynecologist and the gynecologist says "I must say, this is the cleanest pussy I've seen in ages."

"Thanks," said the lesbian. "I have a woman in 4 times a week."

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Why is pork pie like a pensioners fanny?

Cos you have to bite off the crust and lick out the jelly before you get to the meat!!!!!!!!

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Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The "iTit" will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about "men staring at their breasts and not listening to them."

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Scientists have found a cure for homosexuality, apparently if you put lypsyl on your asshole it keeps the chaps away.

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I've just phoned the samaritans.
I was put through to their call centre in pakistan.
When I told them I was suicidal they got really excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

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Why do bulimics love KFC?

Because it comes with a bucket.

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Stephen Hawking can finally achieve an erection now that doctors have disabled his pop-up blocker.

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Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The "iTit" will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about "men staring at their breasts and not listening to them."

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Why is the bible like a penis?

You get it forced down your throat by a priest.

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Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom only to see his father giving his mum one!
His Dad just laughs, throws a pillow at him and shouts "Get Out!"

A little while later Johnny's Father hears a commotion coming from Johnny's room. Dad rushes in and is horrified to see Johhny shagging his Gran.

Johnny just looks at his Dad and says
"Not so f**king funny when it's your mum is it?!"

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