Osama Bin Laden left hugely disappointed by quality of virgins

[4me2]

Osama Bin Laden left hugely disappointed by quality of virgins



Recently deceased former Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden is said to be furious about the quality of virgins he has been given in the afterlife, also insisting that his new home is a little on the hot side.

Upon arrival at what he thought was Heaven, Bin Laden was shown to a small shed on the shores of a lake of fire which will be his home for eternity.
Osama told our medium, “Every time I complained that this isn’t what Heaven is meant to be like, the tour guide would laugh and say ‘yes, this is “heaven”‘ – always using those annoying air quote things.”
“I demanded my virgins, like any good martyr, but what they brought me is entirely unacceptable.”
“The line-up looks like the queue outside a Chicago Rock Cafe in Basingstoke – there is a very good reason these women are still virgins.”
“And some of them definitely look like they’ve been around the block a few times. One of them is passing around photos of her kids.”
One of Bin Laden’s new hosts told us, “Look, actual genuine virgins are almost impossible to come by these days, so if they’ve got less than ten partners they count, alright?”

Osama disappointed with virgins


A spokesperson for the virgin community said that it was not only Bin Laden who felt cheated by the arrangements.
One told us, “We’re not overly happy about it either, truth by told.”
“When we signed up for this gig we were told it was eternity with a great warrior, who was a hero to his people – not the world’s most wanted terrorist. My mum always said I should read the fine print.”
45 year-old virgin and computer game enthusiast Kevin Simms told us, “I wasn’t really paying attention when they offered the gig, I was too busy taking on Al Qaeda in Call of Duty on my Xbox. Oh the irony.”
“On the bright-side, he seems to be suffering a bit of ‘stage-fright’ downstairs, so this might not be so bad after all.”

The awkward moment when you realise your 72 virgins are ugly middle-aged men


http://newsthump.com/2011/05/02/osam...ty-of-virgins/

[cronus71]

“The line-up looks like the queue outside a Chicago Rock Cafe in Basingstoke – there is a very good reason these women are still virgins.”

[the.insane]

The yanks are gloating about sending in speacial forces to kill OBL. Not a mention that we sent Henry Cooper to meet him at the gates.


Following the killing of Osama bin laden, sir elton john is to record a tribute."Sandals in the bin"

[4me2]

Fuck Yeah !

[4me2]

Fox News to the rescue.

[tronads]

Don't know about 72 virgins.....give me 72 whore's anyday !

[Tim.Lad]

Fox News to the rescue.

is that for real ?

[Ganty]

is that for real ?

Shopped, there's a colon missing.

[crazyal]

there's a colon missing.

Hopefully thats what the Navy Seals said when they examined OBL's corpse after they pumped him full of hot metal....

[EvilBoB]

yay - newsarse.... supplying xml shite for years... Please turn itoff 4me2... noone wants to spend 10 minutes reading some stupid the onion/newsarse etc. story only to groan. this is a joke section not a fucked up piss poor story section.

[the.insane]

Whilst celebrating Aresenals victory last yesterday, it was perhaps a little unwise of bin laden to rush out into his yard shouting "come on you gunners"

[4me2]

ITV3 secures rights to Al Qaeda’s Got Talent




ITV3 has taken reality television to the next level by securing the rights to ‘Al Qaeda’s Got Talent’, a show which will seek to find a new leader for the ailing terrorist organisation.

The signing is something of a coup for ITV, as there had been much global interest for the rights to the highly anticipated new television format.
An ITV spokesperson said, “We were up against it, especially after we lost out in securing Geordie Shore.”
“We’re sure this will be a hit, and yet further evidence that the British public will watch just about any old garbage that we put in front of them.”


Al Qaeda’s Got Talent

Though the exact format is a well-kept secret, early indications are that competitors will be asked to explain the terrorist atrocities they will undertake, whilst votes will be cast by the audience of wannabe martyrs and remote terrorist cells.
A spokesperson continued, “It will be compelling television. Will the audience be happy with Omar’s plans to sink a cross channel ferry, or will they prefer Ahmed’s audacious plan to attack a nuclear power station? It’s gripping stuff.”
“We’re toying with the idea that the terrorist with the least votes each week is given a one-way ticket to Guantanamo Bay, but the producer said they’d rather blow themselves up on the stage.”
TV reviewer Marcus Williamson said, “It’s yet another victory for Al Qaeda, and the next step in their thinly-veiled plan to drag the West into a dead-brained stupor – I have to say their 2001 invention of Simon Cowell was an absolute masterstroke.”
“People will point to the 9/11 events of the same year, but Simon Cowell has done far more to destroy Western civilisation as we know it than those Twin Towers pilots – you have to admit it, that Bin Laden fella was a genius.”


http://newsthump.com/2011/05/04/itv3...as-got-talent/