tommy cooper

two aerials meet on a roof ..fall in love..get married..the ceremony was rubbish..but the reception was brilliant.
a man goes to the doctors with a strawberry growing out of his head the doctor says i'll give you some cream for that

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Two pr0stitutes standing on a street corner. One says to the other, "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the t*ts!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself she came to a conclusion. The quickest and surest way would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. She shot herself in the left kneecap.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

'Strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.'
Doctor, I have a pain in my chest everytime I do this....... don't do it then.

Doctor, I keep seeing a spinning Volkswagen.

Don't worry sir, it's just a Bug going round.

A man walks into an autoshop and says, "Can I have a spare wheel cover for my VW please?"

The sales assistant behind the counter asks, "Camper?"

The man says "Ooh, hello big boy! That's a nice shiney bell you have there! Can I have a spare wheel cover for my VW please?"