[Only registered and activated users can see links. ]This is Arthur Shelby - he is currently clenching - hardArthur’s had an incident. Which shall forever be known as shartmageddon.
This afternoon Arthur decided in his fucking moronic wisdom to take the tub of Vaseline from the fireside and eat it. The tub of Vaseline that has been there for months and he has never touched.
Now - we shall just pause, because I know you are all thinking - what the fuck do you keep Vaseline by the fire for - and in your pondering will have dreamt up some sexy scenario involving fireside rugs and cosy winter nights with strawberries dipped in chocolate and all that shit - well let me tell you we are married - nobody does shit like that when theyre married - and even if such an event was attempted in this fucking asylum we call home it would end up with a cat puking on the rug and a dog sniffing a semi clad arse - which does put a dampener on even the most ardent of lovers. We keep it as - and life hack alert get your pen and paper - cotton wool pads with a lump of sharteline on gets the fire started quicker and with no chemicals and means your bread doesnt taste like shite when you get home from shopping and those bastard scouts have force packed for you at the checkout and put your firelighters next to your baked goods.
Anyway I digress.
Back to the fuckwit that is Arthur fucking Shelby.
He’s known to have a penchant for slippers, the odd chomp of a backscratcher and has a slight kleptomaniac issue with underwear. But today - this has been the single most stupid thing he has done.
Having consumed a fair amount of Vaseline he has begun to feel the after effects of such a lubricated diet - and this became apparent when he awoke me from my afternoon nap with a sound from his rear end best described as ‘you wanna fucking check yourself pal’ - followed by two more similar and increasingly wetter sounds accompanied by ever increasing widening of his eyes.
He has since had various slippery noises omitting from his person - henceforth why this incident shall be forever known as shartmaggedon.
Currently the washing machine is on, having washed the duvet because interestingly the smell of lubricated dog shart isnt pleasant. Who fucking knew. Its also worth noting that oily stains are not fucking easy to remove from ones items.
So think of us tonight - as on very heightened alert we listen for the sounds of further lubricated release from the stupid twats arse and hope he doesn't spontaneously combust!