The Sunday Times - Review

March 09, 2003


Dimwit of the week
A student came up with a simple insurance fraud to raise funds for her
studies. On a skiing holiday in Austria the 23-year-old Dutch woman reported

that her ski trousers had been stolen along with her skis. But the plan had
a fatal flaw - when she arrived at the police station in Erpfendorf she was
still wearing the trousers. "I was so nervous about making the claim that I
forgot to take the trousers off," she admitted.

Optimists of the week
A group of Moscow Communists has called for Stalin, to be cloned so that the

former dictator can bring back the good old days. Alexander Kuvayev, leader
of the Moscow Communist party, suggested the idea at a party to mark the
50th anniversary of Stalin's death. "There were some problems," one party
official admitted of Stalin, "but he was working at a difficult time."

Disappointment of the week
A man who yearned to see naked women drew up a cunning plan. The 33-year-old

Russian waited until women's day at the bath house in Ulyanovsk before
ringing police to claim he had planted a bomb there. But there was one thing

he had not bargained for - the women got dressed before leaving.

Error of the week
"It was a mistake," said the South Gloucestershire council spokesman. "We
are a large organisation and won't get things right 100% of the time." And
the mistake? The council has just completed a £2m public library in Emersons

Green, near Bristol. Unfortunately, nobody remembered to order any books.

Offer of the week
A peace protester has offered President George Bush the chance to crucify
her live on television if he drops plans to invade Iraq. Mary Grierson, from

New Zealand, made the offer in a letter to the White House. "Send your
troops home and take me instead," she wrote. She insisted later: "I don't
want to appear as some nutter."

Entrepreneur of the week
Karl-Friedrich Lenze, an artist, has applied for a licence to open a brothel

for Berlin dogs. Owners will be charged about £17 for half an hour at the
centre, which will have a bar where dogs could meet prospective partners.

Invention of the week
The world's first talking washing machine has been unveiled in Germany. The
Siemens machine, which introduces itself as Hermine, recognises complex
washing commands and gives advice on clothes care. It speaks in a woman's
voice . . . "Was it you who put these jeans in the white wash? And, look,
I've told you a hundred times about putting these in the tumble dryer . . ."