Some quotes you may or may not like.
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF! Is anyone listening to me?!
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you're all covered with leeches. Just say, "Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?" (Because leeches kind of look like big raisins.)
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes!
If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.
Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" - you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
Most of the time in the Middle Ages it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden stakes.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.
Reply With Quote
)
Social Networking Bookmarks