"And the next train arriving on platform four is the Dunblane Train. This
train is very overcrowded, so if there are any passengers standing in the
doorways, just throw them out the way" - Haymarket, Edinburgh
"The person who is kicking the vending machine, yes, you, the vending
machine is out. Of. Order. Yeah, I can see what you're doing you know.."
- Haymarket, Edinburgh
"The train arriving at platform [whatever] is the [whatever] Virgin
train from [Wherever]. This train is the first Virgin train today to
run on time. We apologise for any confusion this may cause." - Haymarket,
"The next train arriving on Platform Two is the Virgin train to
[whatever], driven by widow t****y." - Haymarket, Edinburgh
"This is a message for all passengers in the 4th carriage, can you please
teach the gentleman who keeps trying to open the doors exactly how they
close, preferably by holding him firmly and letting them close repeatedly on
his head..." - London Tube
"I am sorry for the delay to this service, this is due to signal problems.
And if you look out onto the right-hand side of the train, you will see the
Wembley signal control room. I've just asked them on the radio to look at
this train, so if you would all like to show them exactly what you think of
them: Please go ahead. One or Two fingers should be all you need" - London
"Unfortunately for you lot, we are now stuck behind a broken down train.
We'll be here for quite a while but I don't care, I'm now on Overtime"
- London Tube
"This is a customer announcement, would the nutter who just jumped onto the
track please get back onto the platform as the rats get jealous when
someone invades their territory" - London Tube