Curry
Was posted about 3 years ago, thought noobs might wanna see it coz made me laugh
Notes taken from an Inexperienced Curry Taster Named Paul Reynolds, who was
visiting Bombay, India from Abingdon, Oxfordshire, UK.
"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon
when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (a couple of
local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are
the scorecards from the event:
______________________________________
Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Paul: Holy sh1t!! What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Indian fellows are crazy if they even begin to
think this tastes like food.
____________________________________________
Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Paul: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the
look on my face. I had an expression like a cow sucking p1ss off a thistle.
____________________________________________
Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn Curry
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
Paul: Call Sellafield, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more
beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back; now my back bone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm now getting sh1t-faced from all the
beer.
____________________________________________
Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic Bean Blaster
JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Paul: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Jaswinder, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 320 lb. pregnant dog is
starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an
aphrodisiac?
____________________________________________
Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Paul: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed hospital
treatment from 3rd degree burns. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her curry had given me brain damage. Jaswinder saved my tongue
from bleeding by pouring beer directly on to it from a pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off? It really p1sses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Phone the White House and tell them you've
discovered a stockpile of napalm.
____________________________________________
Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb!
Paul: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous and
dangerously explosive methane building up. I have sulphuric flames leaping
from my ar$ehole. My rusty sheriffs badge feels like it's been rogered with
a red hot poker and I've just sh1t myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that very *friendly* person Jaswinder; she must be kinkier than I thought.
I Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ar$e with a snow cone! I
think if I sit on the toilet now, my ar$ehole will go down for a drink of
water.
____________________________________________
Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably, frothing at the mouth and nostrils and his trousers appear
soiled with what appears to be a smoking gravy.
Paul: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a d**n thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid
unnoticed from my mouth. I'm dribbling acid that has eaten my beard away
and now feels like it's eating my skin away with it. My pants are full of
lava-like sh1t to match my d**n shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck
it in through the 2 inch hole this stuff has eaten in my stomach.
____________________________________________
Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out,
fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?
Paul: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report )
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Originally Posted by wtaylor
will send this one to the lads in the Factory hope they will give me my 50p back 
class 
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