Chuck Norris Facts

[The_V_Man]

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Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

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Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

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When Chuck Norris plays <ST1Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:State w:st="on"><ST1Oregon Trail</st1:State> before you.

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Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.<O</O

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Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.<O</O

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Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.<O</O

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Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.<O</O

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A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.<O</O

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Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.<O</O

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To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.<O</O

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The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.<O</O

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Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.<O</O

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Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".<O</O

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Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"<O</O

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Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.<O</O

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When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."<O</O

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The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.<O</O

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After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".<O</O

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Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.<O</O

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Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.<O</O

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Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

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Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.<O</O

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If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.<O</O

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Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.<O</O

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One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris. <O</O

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Chuck Norris doesnt see dead people. He makes people dead.<O</O

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Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids. <O</O

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Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.<O</O

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Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

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Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.<O</O

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[ramsfan_no1]

Random!!!

[beerman]

from www.chucknorris.com for those who don't know who he is (cos I didn't):

When you think of Chuck Norris, you either immediately think action movie star (recalling his numerous feature films) or television star, for his long-running CBS television series, "Walker, Texas Ranger."

But prior to that, Chuck was a martial arts star, winning many martial arts championships including being a six-time undefeated World Professional MiddleWeight Karate Champion. Chuck was also a renowned teacher in the martial arts. Some of his students were Steve McQueen, Bob Barker, Priscilla Presley and Donnie & Marie Osmond.

From 1964 to 1968, Chuck won many State, National, and International amateur karate titles. In 1968, Chuck fought and won the World Professional MiddleWeight Karate championships by defeating the World's Top Fighters. He held that title until 1974 when he retired undefeated.

In 1968, Chuck was inducted into the Black Belt Hall of Fame as Fighter of the Year. In 1975, he was inducted as Instructor of the Year and in 1977, Chuck received the honor of Man of the Year.

Chuck is also founder and President of United Fighting Arts Federation with over 2,300 black belts all over the world.

In 1997, Chuck achieved another milestone in his life by being the first man ever in the Western Hemisphere to be awarded an 8th degree Black Belt Grand Master recognition in the Tae Kwon Do system. This was a first in 4,500 years of tradition.

Chuck's intense drive and determination extended beyond his martial arts and acting career. He became an offshore powerboat racer with speeds of 140 miles per hour. In 1991, Chuck with his team and sponsor "Popeye Chicken" won the World Off Shore Powerboat championships. Then he went on to setting a new world record by racing a 38 foot Scarab boat 605 miles across the Great Lakes, from Chicago to Detroit, in 12 hours and 8 minutes.

In 1988, Chuck wrote his autobiography, "The Secret of Inner Strength", for Little Brown Publishing, which became a New York Times Best Seller. He followed up a few years later with a second book, "The Secret Power Within: Zen Solutions to Real Problems", also with Little Brown Publishing.

Chuck was asked how he would like to be remembered. Chuck's answer was as a Humanitarian. He has gotten a good start by:

1.) Being the spokesperson for United Way, doing an eight-minute commercial, which helped bring in over two billion dollars.

2.) Veterans Administration spokesperson visiting over 12 V.A. hospitals and speaking with World War II, Korean and Vietnam War Veterans including one from World War I.

3.) Winning the 1998 Epiphany award on Walker, Texas Ranger for the best Christian program.

4.) The Jewish Humanitarian Man of the Year Award.

5.) Actively involved with the Make A Wish Foundation for 20 years by making dreams come true for terminally ill children.

6.) BMI Music Television Award for Walker, Texas Ranger theme song, "Eyes of a Ranger".

7.) Texas Ranger Hall of Fame.

8.) Commissioned Police Officer for Terrell, Texas.

9.) Motivational speaker for many Christian ministries, such as T.D. Jakes Ministry, Trinity Broadcasting, and Bill Glass Crusade.

But Chuck thinks his most rewarding accomplishment was the creation of his Kick-Start Foundation. With the help of President George Bush, Chuck implemented a program teaching the martial arts to 150 high-risk children at M C Williams Middle School in Houston, Texas, as part of the school curriculum. The program was so successful in helping these kids raise their self-esteem and instilling discipline and respect, as well as getting them out of gangs, that the program is now in 30 schools with over 4,200 young boys and girls actively participating.

[burner1]

Bruce still kicked his ass though

[the_wizzard]

from www.chucknorris.com for those who don't know who he is (cos I didn't):

shame on you!

he is\was? a awesome fighter and all round good guy cant remember the movie name where he fought bruce now. but it was a awesome fight and i have heard many storys about that fight.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

is right

[burner1]

Was in 'The way of the Dragon' Wizzard.. Bruce died over 30 years ago and I still wouldn't like to mess with the guy, he's got some sneaky moves

[Freaky]

i always used to watch walker texas ranger, i miss that it was good, think there was a couple of films of it aswell

[Apocalypse]

very similar type of thing to bertroots post about ross kemp!

[Shotgunjim]

The fight in Way of the Dragon is legendary in that it was unchoreographed. It was a real fight. Chuck Norris was also one of the first non Asian men to fight in the real tournament which the film 'Bloodsport' was based on....

Alas, he made Delta Force :nono

[DB]

I loved his Missing in Action films, think there was 3 of them. Great movies at the time, showing my old age there.

[jimbob2002]

me too, loved missing in action, delta force, invasion USA, and lots more.

When I was about 11 or 12 or something I was a big Chuck fan and watched most of his movies.

[Raptor]

this was supposed to be a comedy thread

that post is funny as fook

[Fett]

Bruce still kicked his ass though

Fuckin A

[Wizzo]

Chuck is the man

MIA (as us Chuckies call it) was the third video I ever watched.

first was was Champ (cried like a baby)

second was Champion (cried like a baby and then checked my balls)

then MIA

forth vid was a bluey caller Tangerine Dreams hired off mobile vid man (i was 12)

anyone got a torrent for Tangerine Dreams ?


edit cause ross desrves it

All credit & karma to Ross Kemp... if you've seen the gangs thing he does... the one about Rio? ... fook that

[Epiphany]

I got this one via Email which has a shite load more in it

CHUCK NORRIS

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.

If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the ***** of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Crop circles are Chuck's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fsck down.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and that those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck allows to live.

Chuck played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a handgun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Indian

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Chuck Norris once decided to make a vibrator that would simulate the size and power of his actual penis. The result was a baseball bat tied to a jackhammer.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's sh-t.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

[BM]

Love it in Way of the Dragon where bruce kicks and breaks chucks leg and then he tries to stand up on it!

[jimbob2002]

I'm sat at work almost in tears with laughter reading this, fucking absolute gold!