More top tips...
BIRD FLU could be quickly and easily eradicated by adding a few drops of Lemsip or Daynurse to birdbaths. Obviously, you would have to put Nightnurse in the birdbaths for owls.
Graham Flintoff, Gateshead
MANUFACTURERS of Gilette razors. Leapfrog Wilkinson Sword's inevitable six-bladed resonse to your new five-blader, and immediately release a seven-bladed razor.
T Thorn, Hexham
DOG OWNERS. Don't waste money on a lead. Simply walk your dog backwards holding its tail.
Shauny Boy
PHILANTHROPISTS. Be careful when giving street alcoholics money for 'a cup of tea', as some of the less scrupulous ones may be tempted to spend it on strong liquor.
Mark Jordan
FATTIES. Take a tip from smokers and stop your cravings for chips by Sellotaping a crisp to the top of your arm each morning.
L Zebra, Chessington
CONVINCE bar staff that your pint is off by sticking your finger up your arse before holding the glass close to their nose.
Gordano
SHOE BOMBERS. Increase your payload by becoming a clown.
Mark Johnson
SUDOKU LOVERS. Solve your puzzles in seconds by logging on to sudoku.sourceforge.net, typing the clues into the grid and clicking the 'solve' button. This will save hours, leaving you plenty of time to do something worthwhile.
T Wensleydale, Cheshire
POLICE. Save money on expensive sirens by putting a police dog on the roof of your patrol car and shutting the door on its tail before attending a 999 call.
Andy Bradshaw
AMERICANS. Wipe out the Iraqi insurgency by simply joining their side. With your 'friendly fire' tactics, the war should be over in days.
Gaz
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
J Calabas
FELLAS. Stand outside an Ann Summers shop dressed in a security guard's uniform with a smoke detector in your pocket. When a fit bird walks out, simply press the smoke alarm test button and voila! A free grope!
D Clegg, Cirencester
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Originally Posted by gunner
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