The comic genius that was Tommy Cooper

[jamesbond007]

1. Two blondes walk into a building....you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.



2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."



3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."



4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.



5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."



6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.



7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.



8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.



9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.



10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.



11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."



12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."



13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"



14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."



15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!



16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.



17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'



18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.



19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat b*****d!"



20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.



21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."



22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"



23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb As digging continues into the night.

[wakadoo]

there nice an short so will be texting em around ...cheers.

[Ganty]

Excellent, I love Tommy Cooper

One of my favourite's wasn't listed though, as an intro for a performance -

"We all know the power of music, so tonight, ladies and gentleman, I'm going to speak to you, via my trombone..."

<Picks up trombone and puts it to lips, takes a deep breath>

"Good evening ladies and gentleman!"

[Mickey]

Yeah he was one of the classics. I loved his magic that always went wrong. and i can remember the trick with the magic rabbit that kept waving. I must have been 9 or so and laughed my @ss off

[GameKing]

Tommy was a comedy god, I had a quick look on youtube and there`s loads on there.
http://youtube.com/results?search_qu...&search=Search

[Nibb]

Most of these are Tim Vine gags!

http://www.youtube.com/v/eshR-WpdYDM

Also i dont think Tommy Cooper ever swore on stage so I deffo cant imagine him using 19.

[Lee Macro]

These are class. I still remember the events at the Palladium (wasn't it?) and the newspaper headlines the next day

[GameKing]

Most of these are Tim Vine gags!

http://www.youtube.com/v/eshR-WpdYDM

Also i dont think Tommy Cooper ever swore on stage so I deffo cant imagine him using 19.

most of Tim Vine`s jokes are Tommy Cooper`s.

[Nibb]

most of Tim Vine`s jokes are Tommy Cooper`s.

As much as i love Tommy I dont think thats true.

http://www.thehumorarchives.com/joke...ine_one-liners

[apllrd]

i've heard stories from when he used to appear in farnworth, near bolton, he would come on and say nothing for 15 minutes but have the audience in stitches with just simple movements and facial expressions, not many comics have that ability, used to down half a bottle of scotch before the shows too, to 'loosen' him up. apparently he was very nervous before the shows. he is a legend.

[GameKing]

As much as i love Tommy I dont think thats true.

http://www.thehumorarchives.com/joke...ine_one-liners

well you learn something everyday, cheers mate.

[Waka]

If Tim Vine's claiming most of those gags from the last 10 years then he's full of shit - most of them are *way* older than that!

W.

[Nibb]

Theres no doubt that some of them are Cooper gags but i would say that 75% of them are deffo Vine gags.

Its just that as Vine is all puns a lot of them get attributed to Cooper.....the same has been done with Peter Kay a load of those gags above have been attributed to him!

[Nibb]

These are more like proper Cooper gags IMHO!

I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'.
I said 'What for?'
He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'

I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'.
I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.
He said 'How can I help?'.
I said 'Break my arms!'

I went to the doctor the other day,
I said 'it hurts when I do that'
he said ' well don't do it'

My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'.
I had the car out in thirty seconds.

I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt.
Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.

One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down.
'Can't you ring your bell?' She said. 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'

We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it?
The Stewardess gave me chewing gum.
I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out.

This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said 'Do something religious'.
So I took up a collection.

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says:
'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'.
I said: 'What for, Officer?'
He says: 'My chips are too hot'.

I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says:
'I'd like to follow you to the nearest Police Station'.
I said 'What For?'.
He said: 'I've forgotten the way'.

So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Authur's Close'. He said,
'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'

A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please.
And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos.
So the man says, alright then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.

I had a meal last night,
I ordered everything in French,
supprised everybody,
It was a Chinese resturant.

And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'.
I said 'Why not?'.
He said 'We don't give him any'

I knocked at my friend's door and his wife answered the door.
I said 'Is Jim in?'.
She didn't reply, just stood there looking at me.
So I asked again. Just then a woman appeared at his wife's elbow.
'Sorry luv' she said 'We buried him last Thursday'.
'He didn't say anything about a pot of yellow paint before he went, did he?'

I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to.
A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'.
'I'd like to stay here'
'Ok. Stay there'.

I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'.
I said 'I want a second opinion'.
He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.

I went to the doctor the other day
I said 'have you got anything for wind'
so he gave me a kite.

When I was in the scouts, the leader told me to pitch a tent.
I couldn't find any pitch, so I used creosote.

I got home from work and the wife said - I'm very sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner'.
I said 'Dont worry - I'll get you a new cat'.

I've always been unlucky.
I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

I said to the waiter, I said 'This chicken I've got is cold'.
He said 'I should think so. It's been dead for two weeks'.
'Not only that', I said, 'It's got one leg shorter than the other'.
He said 'What do you want to do, eat it or dance with it?'

Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat.
Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.

I'm on a whisky diet,
i've lost three days already.

My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs.
She won, she had the hammer.

My wife phoned me just before the show and said,
'I've got water in the carburettor,
I said 'Where's the car'
She said 'In the river'

I hurt my back the day.
I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress.
He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot.
He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away.
Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by.
When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him.
It was a different elephant.

"I was nearly a step-child,
my Mother said she would have left me on someone's doorstep if she'd had half a chance."

"My mother was always pulling my leg,
that's why one is six inches longer than the other."

"I bumped into an old acquaintance the other day,
he told me he had taken a job as a postman.
He said it was better than walking the streets."

I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife.
Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs....
but she's good with the kids....

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace.....

Tommy Cooper was introduced to the Queen after a Royal Command Performance.
'Do you think I was funny?' said Tommy.
'Yes Tommy,' said the Queen.
'You really thought I was funny?', said Tommy.
'Yes of course I thought you were funny' said the Queen.
'Did your Mother think I was funny?' said Tommy.
'Yes, Tommy...' said the Queen, '...we both thought you were funny.'
'Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?' said Tommy.
'No, ..." said the Queen, '....but I might not be able to give you a full answer.'
'Do you like football?' said Tommy.
'Well not really ' said the Queen.'
'In that case, ...' said Tommy, '....do you mind if I have your Cup Final Tickets?'

[Deadly]

So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Authur's Close'. He said,
'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'

lmfao

pissing myself, great stuff

[blaggard]

I doubt we'll ever know the true source many gags, Tommy Cooper didn't use exclusively original material, for example this one, fom the post by nibb I first heard by the "goons" and I'm not even sure it was an original Spike Millgan (or as he once said, "Spuke Malignant, that well know typing error") gag, sounds Music Hall to me, anyway the gag I'm talking about:
I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says:
'I'd like to follow you to the nearest Police Station'.
I said 'What For?'.
He said: 'I've forgotten the way'.

[Nibb]

Yep fair point!

[russbeer]

my fave of his was at the barbers,
"how much is it for a hair cut?"
"£5"
"How much for a shave?"
"50p"
so he said "shave me head"

[Nibb]

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/6927839.stm

Hopkins to unveil Cooper statue

Sir Anthony Hopkins has agreed to unveil a statue of Tommy Cooper in the comic legend's home town, Caerphilly.
The Port-Talbot born actor is patron of the Tommy Cooper Society, which raised £40,000 for the 9ft (2.7m) bronze.

The almost-finished statue is likely to be unveiled later this year, coinciding with the Oscar-winner's 70th birthday.

Organisers said the star, who is known to enjoy impersonating Cooper, told them he was "honoured and happy" to be asked to attend the ceremony.

The Silence Of The Lambs star, a big fan of the late comic and magician, became a patron of the Tommy Cooper Society last year

Secretary Tudor Jones explained that they had initially contacted him requesting he send a message to read out at their annual general meeting.

"Instead of wishing us all the best, he said he would be honoured and happy to come and unveil the statue," said Mr Jones. "We're absolutely thrilled to bits."

In May,he spoke of his plans to return to Port Talbot for a party on New Year's Eve to celebrate his 70th birthday.

Sir Anthony's busy schedule had prevented him taking up several invites from the society to visit Wales but it is hoped he can now tie the unveiling ceremony in with his birthday visit.

Mr Jones said: "I asked him to become patron as I'd seen him several times on chat shows like Parkinson.

"He always seemed to get the conversation around to Tommy Cooper. He knows all the gags and he's a big fan. He can do the voice - he's very good."

Mr Jones was treated to a private performance of the impersonation when the star phoned from Malibu to accept the patronage.

"Tony came on the line with a good Port Talbot accent...I said we knew what a fan he was and how good he was at doing the impression.

"He started to chuckle and went straight into a minute or two of saying some of the jokes."

The society was set up four years ago aimed at erecting a statue of the comic in the town of his birth.

He was born in 1921 in Llwyn Onn Street, Caerphilly, before leaving with his family as a small boy to live in Exeter.

Cooper died in 1984 after a TV and stage career revolving around magic routines which went wrong.

Standing on a 4ft (1.2m) plinth, the statue will depict the late comic wearing his trademark fez and be located opposite the castle in the centre of the town.

Sculptor James Done, who also designed boxer Johnny Owen's statue in Merthyr Tydfil, will complete the clay sculpture within the next month and it will take a further two months to be cast in bronze.

The society says its main objective is to emphasise that Cooper was born in Caerphilly.

Cooper's daughter Vicky is a honorary member of the society and in a letter to the society, she recalled how proud her father was of his Welsh roots.

Mr Jones said: "She said her dad looked upon himself as a Welshman from the top of his black curly hair to the bottom of his size 13 boots."

[Nibb]

Heres and old Iru Bru ad featuring Tommy that I came across on Youtube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ys2Egs5ONnI