Letters to the editor....

[steve10574]

Letters to the editor....


If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.

Christina Martin, London


I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem.

Martin Kristos


It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.

Johnny Pring


I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.

Alan Heath


A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that"God would make her better." presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.

M Lovejoy


"She can dish it out, but she cannot take it", I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.

Mrs Pinches, Hereford


I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good.

S Prodnipple, Scarborough


So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh.

D Antarctica, Rhyll


I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament intoperspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by a uniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.

Stella Matlock


What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.

T Potter


Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.

Warren


THIS new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with.

Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire


TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older" when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's arse: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.

Joe McKeown


I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

Neil Palmer


I'M A terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something.

A Terrorist


WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

Stu Bray


'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

Colum Hill


'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison.

Raymond Wankyb *** cks

[neo2810]

Thanks mate, not seen those before. Raised a chuckle
I love "real" humour

[Nibb]

They are Viz letters...still funny tho!

[Nibb]

Heres a few more before Tommy J posts the links!

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British.
Ben Hunt

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up.
John

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
L Palmer, London

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.
P Boddington, Ringway

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P, Leeds

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied '<unt'. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately! Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family?
Noel, Leeds

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?
Alun Daniel

I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.
Alan Thakray

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road
Alan J., London

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.
T Barnham, London

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamsa.
Les, Barnsley

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?
John Campbell, e-mail

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, e-mail

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?
Dave Owen, Edinburgh

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths.
Tripod

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Stan

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
Thomas J

[baronvon]

lol

made me laugh

THE BARON

[Lee Macro]

Gotta love Viz. Top Tips are/were great!!

[russbeer]

pretty much a copy of my old post.

http://www.digital-forums.com/showth...ht=letterbocks

HOS!!!!!!! HOS!!!!!!!!

[evilsatan]

TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older" when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's arse: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.

Joe McKeown

[Over Carl]

I'M A terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something.

A Terrorist

[steve10574]

stolen from the bbc well i pay my lic fee

"When the fight is over, Ricky pleases himself mentally. Then, when he's fed up of that, he pleases himself physically and I think they both go hand in hand."
Ricky Hatton's diet trainer, Kerry Kayes. (Jim Kelleher, England).
"If he was a footballer he'd be in A&E by now."
Brian Moore while James Hook was having his dislocated finger popped back into place during Wales v South Africa. (Rich Griff, Wales).

"We are happy with the three points, but it could have been more."
Ryan Giggs on MUTV after the 2-0 defeat by Fulham. (Tommy).

"His looks have taken a bit of a battering this season. When he came here he looked a bit like a pop star but now he is looking like Sloth from the Goonies, if that's not too cruel on Sloth."
Morecambe winger Garry Thompson on goalkeeper Joe Lewis. (Matt, England).


"Alan Smith is not happy with Martin Atkinson, who could yellow card him for that haircut."
Announcer on Setanta during the Blackburn-Newcastle game. (John Kingma, Canada).

"...and Ferguson scores to make it 2-2 again."
Archie Macpherson during Rangers-Stuttgart. (Mark, Scotland).

"This performance today shows that other teams are going to have to score more goals than us if they want to beat us." Darren Bent stating the obvious after Tottenham's Uefa Cup fightback against Aalborg. (Dominic Edmundson, UK).

"Murali took the wicket of Paul Collingwood, taking him past Shane Ward's record!"
Radio 1 sports reporter on Jo Whiley's show. Bit of a career change for Shane since winning the X-Factor! (Dan Godfrey, England).

"If they released a Titus Bramble bloopers DVD, it would be four hours long."
Adrian Chiles on MOTD2 after Bramble's latest mistake. (Kenny Lomas, England).

"And Porto look very comfortable with this 1-1 lead."
Heard in commentary during the Liverpool-Porto match. (Dominic, Australia).


"It looks like he's pulled a rabbit out of the bag."
David Pleat on Juande Ramos's astute tactics. Ramos appears to have left his hat back in Spain. (Richard Furness, UK).

"They've kept three or four clean sheets in the last couple of games."
Cambridge United manager Jimmy Quinn talking on 5 Live. (Chick, Wales).

"I don't think you can ever retire from international rugby."
Ben Cohen guaranteeing an exciting World Cup in 2047. (Peter, Bosnia & Herzegovina).

"I'll bare my bum in Binns window again if Boro score more than 40 goals this season."
Bernie Slaven on Century FM. Slaven did just that in 1999 after Boro beat Man Utd. (Chris G L Cobain, South Bank).

"The scoreline of 4-0 doesn't tell the full story. It's been all too easy for Liverpool."
Jan Molby watches Liverpool grind out a win against Bolton. (George Quin, England).

"We have been beaten 4-0 but no way was there four goals between the teams."
Mark Hughes after Blackburn's 4-0 defeat at home. So when is there four goals between teams? (Joe Duane, England).

"I am always focused on training and coaching my team!"
A beaming David Moyes repeats the Rafa Benitez mantra in a pre-match press conference, to the delight of journalists. (Andy, England).

"He has the physique of a newspaper boy."
A classic Archie MacPherson quote describing the skinny DaMarcus Beasley. (Matthew Bowron, Scotland).

"I'm not being funny, but David Unsworth is fatter than me and Gavin Mahon couldn't even pass wind accurately today."
Martin Price commentating on Watford v Burnley on BBC 3CR. (Jonny Moloney, England).

"Martin Jol was literally a dead man walking at Spurs."
Steve Claridge on 5 Live during Spurs v West Ham. (Mike, England).

"I'm not upset. I'm upset because we lost the game."
Arsene Wenger after the Sevilla defeat. Erm, which is it, Arsene? (Maurice K Nyambe, Zambia).

"Leicester City are the only club with a manager of the month competition."
Sky commentator on the Leicester-Cardiff game. (Patrick, England).

"It's unbelievable. It's not a surprise because I know I can play, but reaching the semi-finals is a surprise."
Kevin McDine after reaching the Grand Slam of Darts semi-finals. Make up your mind, Kev! (Paul, Devon).

"I received more tackles in one game than I've had in my entire life. It was the same last year too."
Manchester United defender Patrice Evra gets confused after being 'kicked off the pitch' in the Bolton game. Maybe it was concussion! (Jon Allsop, England).

"It would be the equivalent of Frank Sinatra coming over here and not playing Wembley, but playing at Batley Frontier Working Men's Club."
Aidy Boothroyd on the possibility of Al Bangura getting deported, and having to play in Sierra Leone. (Dave, Bournemouth).


CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"I am the Music Man.
I come from far away.
And I can play (what can you play?)
I Play The Pienaar!
Pi Pi Pienaaaaaar!"
Everton's new song for Steven Pienaar, to the tune of The Music Man. As sung by Black Lace and The Tweenies, amongst others - Ed. (Danny Bostock, Wrexham).

"Strawberry blond - you're having a laugh!"
QPR fans to Crystal Palace's ginger-haired midfielder Ben Watson. (Paul, London).

Newcastle fans: "Shearer! Shearer!"
Blackburn fans: "Where did Shearer win the league?"
Banter at Blackburn-Newcastle. (Andy, England).

"Sven, Sven wherever you may be/You are the pride of Man City/You can s*** my wife on our settee/If we win a cup at Wem-ber-lee."
Man City fans to Sven. (Jim Hall, Rainow).

"You're staying home, you're staying home, England staying home!"
Cardiff to travelling Ipswich fans, to the tune of Three Lions. (Jack, Wales).

"You're just a town with one surname."
Cambridge Utd fans to Burton. (James, England).

"Hey, Swansea... leave our sheep alone!"
Tranmere fans to Swansea - to the tune of Pink Floyd's Another Brick In The Wall. (Will, UK).

"You're just a theme park in Preston."
Southampton fans to Blackpool counterparts. (Will T, England).

"You're not going home!"
Preston fans to Charlton after a stadium announcement saying the M6 southbound had been closed down. (Matt, England).

"You are our feeder club."
Tottenham fans to West Ham fans.
"That's why you're going down."
West Ham fans' response. (Gary Arnold, England).

"He's got his IQ on his shirt."
Sung to James Scowcroft by Colchester fans - he wears the number eight. (Tom, Essex).

STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK
"There is a no-smoking policy at Layer Road. Anyone caught smoking will be taken to a darkened room, where they will be imprisoned for 27 hours and forced to listen to Will Young records for all of that time. Thank you."
Colchester's announcer tops his previous effort at half-time against Crystal Palace. (Greg, England).