Wank Stories

[Freddy]

Too many "my mate" stories here

Can't believe you twisted bastards can't produce your own choke and strangle tales.

My Dad runs a contract cleaning firm in London. I was 14. He dropped me at a new contract which was a fashion design house. I had to strip and clean a wooden floor. Just me on the premises.

Late at night and I turn the lights on in the large back room to discover I'm surrounded by 50 or so female mannequins. Some are fully naked and others are half dressed etc.

Got the horn.

I grabbed a dressed dummy and closed my eyes and felt it up under its skirt and wanked up the front of it.

Job done.

I have other stories but this is a good one to start off with.

[B B Leo]

i was going out with a girl one time who couldnt handle her drink! she had a chest to die for you know the type any way
one night she had way too much to drink and was feeling really sick. and i had the old horny head on, so i said the only thing to make her feel better was a shag.
SHE AGREED!!! so i done the busness and buggered off and just left her a bucket to through up in

[lukese]

a good friend of mine addmitted to building an aid. it consisted of a empty toilet roll, some pva glue and some tissues, he would mount this is someway using pillows and a duvet then get down to it. he claimed he used to have to make a new one every couple of weeks but if you got the right rolls you where good for a month! still laugh to this day when i think about that story.

[RSV]

a good friend of mine addmitted to building an aid. it consisted of a empty toilet roll, some pva glue and some tissues, he would mount this is someway using pillows and a duvet then get down to it. he claimed he used to have to make a new one every couple of weeks but if you got the right rolls you where good for a month! still laugh to this day when i think about that story.

Jam jar & a piece of raw liver is the way foward

[Booyakasha]

Sadly I dont have any good stories to tell, but I hold my hands up and admit
I have been caught Torturing the One Eyed Clown by just about every family
member I can think of , Mum, Dad, Auntie, Granddad, Cousin etc.

Ive gone past the embarrassment stage now and just accept that I am a grade A wanker.

[B.I.G.]

Isn't that classed as rape?

Not really he could just say he thought she was dead.

[funkyg]

I hate it when your wanking over porn, yer know some bird getting it doggy style and just as you cum the camera pans to the guys face... It's like...

A bit like in the olden days before internet and you had to make do with a copy of Penthouse (or whatever). You'd be there gettng all hot and bothered, just approaching the vinegar strokes, yes, here it comes, flicking to the next page.......and it's an article about Land Rovers.

[jackdaniels]

The question is do you get a boner when you see a Land Rover now???

[DB]

Dunno how true this is but ive got a mate with a corking story.

He and his lass went out for a skinfull one night, they return home and he's after a bit of anal. She's well up for it, so off they go!!! Thumping away he blows the lot but leaves his cock in her arse as they spoon to sleep. In the morning his cock is itchy as fuck, he reaches down to find a lump on his bell-end. Shitting his pants and fearing for the worst he bolts for the bathroom, pulling his foreskin back to reveal a piece of sweetcorn.

If thats true he's the sickest cunt i know.

[rookie]

Dunno how true this is but ive got a mate with a corking story.

He and his lass went out for a skinfull one night, they return home and he's after a bit of anal. She's well up for it, so off they go!!! Thumping away he blows the lot but leaves his cock in her arse as they spoon to sleep. In the morning his cock is itchy as fu(k, he reaches down to find a lump on his bell-end. Shitting his pants and fearing for the worst he bolts for the bathroom, pulling his foreskin back to reveal a piece of sweetcorn.

If thats true he's the sickest (unt i know.

question is wood you smell the sweetcorn before you eat it.

come on how long did u all used to keep your wank rag before u got another sock out the draw

[DB]

come on how long did u all used to keep your wank rag before u got another sock out the draw

Rag??? mate, i dropped my fluids all over the carpet and rubbed it into the floor

[DJ OD]

Or just leave it all over you hand and fling it up against the wall like Spiderman's web spinner!


DJ OD

[BertRoot]

Or just leave it all over you hand and fling it up against the wall like Spiderman's web spinner!

Much better to seagull someone if there is someone close by though.

[Nibb]

Much better to seagull someone if there is someone close by though.

Just like Miggs in Silence of the Lambs!

[DJ OD]

Proceed to run around them, flapping their arms like birds and making seagull noises.

LOL!


DJ OD

[gallag]

My dad told me about one of his mates getting caught by his mum, back in the 70s my dad and his friends were all bang into there audio gear, my dad still has a nice b&o system from then. This one guy came home from a night drinking stuck his headphones on and cracked away, when the baby fat was expelled he opened his eyes to find a nice warm cup of tea steaming away beside him. His mum must have not wanted to disturb him.

[Nibb]

My dad told me about one of his mates getting caught by his mum, back in the 70s my dad and his friends were all bang into there audio gear, my dad still has a nice b&o system from then. This one guy came home from a night drinking stuck his headphones on and cracked away, when the baby fat was expelled he opened his eyes to find a nice warm cup of tea steaming away beside him. His mum must have not wanted to disturb him.

Pfftt....rookie, always wank with one can on and one can off!

[BertRoot]

My dad told me about one of his mates getting caught by his mum, back in the 70s my dad and his friends were all bang into there audio gear, my dad still has a nice b&o system from then. This one guy came home from a night drinking stuck his headphones on and cracked away, when the baby fat was expelled he opened his eyes to find a nice warm cup of tea steaming away beside him. His mum must have not wanted to disturb him.

I ain't saying this isn't true but you wouldn't believe the amount of times I have heard this story from folk. I have heard it four times while working at my current office about peoples mates.

[RSV]

My dad told me about one of his mates getting caught by his mum, back in the 70s my dad and his friends were all bang into there audio gear, my dad still has a nice b&o system from then. This one guy came home from a night drinking stuck his headphones on and cracked away, when the baby fat was expelled he opened his eyes to find a nice warm cup of tea steaming away beside him. His mum must have not wanted to disturb him.

Think that one is an urban myth mate as i've heard it a few times from different people, usually involving putting a pillow over their face as theyre reaching the vinegar stroke...



Here's another one i heard but not too true about the truth too it... A mate of a mate was invited to a suprise birthday party for some gal he knew, the party was at the gals house and her mum let everyone in an hour before she finished work. Anyway the young lass gets to the drive and everyone hides in the living and dining room to suprise her. She opens the front door and goes straight upstairs calling her pet dog as she goes. Ten mins goes by and she still hasnt come down so a few of them decide to go upstairs to investigate imagine their shock when they discovered her naked on her bed with a can of chappy (dog food) smeared all over her twat and the dog frantically licking it off.......

[LFC Muppet]

I thought they were supposed to be mans best friend (the dirty bitch)