Wank Stories

[jimbob2002]

At the weekend I was at my mates flat, it was the early hours of saturday morning. There were a few of us and we'd been out clubbing and were having a bit of Ket session. After a while the conversation degenerated to telling our most disugsting sex stories, ugliest birds we'd fucked etc.
My mate Dan is a bit of sex deviant and admits to allsorts of stuff, especially when in a battered condition.

A belter he came out with was when he was a kid living with his parents he was cracking one out under the duvet, he was getting near the vinegar strokes when his dad popped into his bedroom to speak to him. He let go of his cock immediately but he was already past the point of no return, his throbbing member managed to self twitch its way to a climax and he tried to hold in his muffles and act normal whilst his todger spurted in all its glory under the duvet whilst his dad was trying to talk to him.
He says it took him a while to recover from climaxing whilst looking at his dad.
We joked with him that he probably has to imagine his dads face to cum.

Feel free to tell us about any funny wank stories you have about yourself, or a friend..........

[Roach-Rampino]

A guy I went to school with, (was a good mate but turned out to be a bit of an arsehole, his parents actually caught him in bed with his aunt!) was having a well planned wank at home. He'd laid all his porn mags out on the bedroom floor, open at his favorite pages, sat on a chair buck naked in the middle and was wanking like Billy-O when his nan walked in with a pile of ironing.

[BertRoot]

Not a bad wanking sotry but I had a mate shagging his bird who was on the pill and after he pulled out and got up for a wash his birds dog jumped on the bed and plated her.

[Ganty]

Not a bad wanking sotry but I had a mate shagging his bird who was on the pill and after he pulled out and got up for a wash his birds dog jumped on the bed and plated her.

And there goes my coffee!!

[jimbob2002]

Haha, some good ones there.

The same night another of my mates admitted to this gem:

He reckons when he was young he didnt know how to wank, so he used to rub himself off on things, like a matress or whatever.
Once on holiday he was staying in a caravan and was feeling rather horny so he locked himself in the caravan bathroom and decided to rub himself off on the caravan bathroom floor. He was just getting into it and speeding away to a finish whem he heard his mum say to his dad in the other room "is this caravan shaking?", "Yes I think it is shaking" is dad said. That quickly put him off his stroke.
I couldn't believe he was actually admitting to this and tried stopping him half way through to avoid further emmbaresment. Boy he's going to take some stick next time he's out, fucking bathroom floors!!!!

[BertRoot]

I had a mate who got caught round at his birds house by her mother who went up to her bedroom with a brew for him and he was led on the bed naked cock up with a pair of her knickers wrapped round his cock rapidly approaching climax. He said it took him a week to get another boner and he never visited their house again.

[Roach-Rampino]

He reckons when he was young he didnt know how to wank, so he used to rub himself off on things, like a matress or whatever.

My old boss claimed that was how he learnt to wank. You know when you are a kid and you watch telly by laying on your front, your chin in your hands, leaning on your elbows? Well he was laying watching Tiswas and getting pretty turned on by Sally James. So he started to friction fuck the lounge carpet, the faster he got the nicer it felt until it felt so good that he leaked in his pyjamas

[GTI]

He reckons when he was young he didnt know how to wank, so he used to rub himself off on things, like a matress or whatever

God that brings back memories. Humping my mattress and passionately kissing my pillow, pretending it was Kylie Minogue off Neighbours.

[DJ OD]

I think everyone knows a mate who's a bit of a sexual deviant...

My mate has told a couple of classics to us in the past. One time he was messing about with this girl and thought shoving a banana up her would be cool. So he unskinned a banana and in it went... He was happily banging it in and out, but it wasn't long until it broke and a large chunk of it got stuck. No matter what he tried he couldn't get this lump of banana out. He tried getting the bird to try and "push" it out, but it was well and truly stuck. Obviously the longer it was in, the softer it got, and thus even harder to get out. The poor girl was getting really upset by this point, concerned that some damage may come to her by having a banana stuck up her minge. In the end he got it out with a spoon, but it took a while. I dunno why, but this had everyone in hysterics, just the image of the girl crying and my mate spooning a lump of fishy banana from her clout. Needless to say it was hard to not snigger everytime we saw the girl. We swore we'd never make banana jokes, but you always do...

Only the other weekend I was at the guys house and he was saying about how he was riding his missus the other morning, and just stopped mid stride. Threw her off him and said "fuck's sake... it's like shagging a fucking corpse". All the lads and I thought this a tremendously funny thing to say to a girl he's being trying to get with for a while, and should well respect the fact he's now with her. "Only him", the sexual deviant, we thought could get away with saying such a thing. Later on that evening, it transpired that the girl was actually asleep when he was trying to ride her! When we all put the two together we were in bits. The audacity! LOL! Try and bone the girl, while she's still asleep, then throw her off saying it's like shagging a corpse... What a bastard!


DJ OD

[Roach-Rampino]

Later on that evening, it transpired that the girl was actually asleep when he was trying to ride her!

Isn't that classed as rape?

[BertRoot]

Isn't that classed as rape?

Depends how good your defence lawyer is.

[funkyg]

Isn't that classed as rape?

I think it depends if she was awake at the beginning of the transaction or not.
But then again, how bad a shagger would you have to be for a bird to fall asleep while doing her?

[RSV]

Isn't that classed as rape?

I prefer the phrase "suprise sex"


Cant stop laughing at the banana story

[Nibb]

God that brings back memories. Humping my mattress and passionately kissing my pillow, pretending it was Kylie Minogue off Neighbours.

You been watching UK Gold again have you m8?

[DJ OD]

Classed as rape maybe, but she'd never tell... she'd be too worried of having a banana shoved up her!


DJ OD

[spiderbites]

But then again, how bad a shagger would you have to be for a bird to fall asleep while doing her?

And if she was asleep to start with at the start for her not to wake up ....

[jimbob2002]

Isn't that classed as rape?

no, just surprise sex

[RSV]

I used to share a flat with a really good friend of mine and one evening after a very hard night clubbing my mate got up from the sofa and said he was going to watch the new harry potter i had a pirated copy of, 20mins or so passed and my other mate who was visiting said he was going to have a quick piss then fuck off home... When my mate returned from having a piss he looked like he'd seen a ghost or something, apparently after having a piss he stuck his head round my mates door to say bye and caught him naked on his bed with his headphones on letting one rip.... He reckons he had some porn on the tv but to this day we still wind him up saying he loves lil boys with glasses... Oh and his family really liked this story when i added it to my best man speech at his wedding.

[CzarJunkie]

One of my mates was a sales rep for a well known Sugar producer and used to travel to South America on business on occasion, he had a thing about wanking on Hotel balconies.

Claims he was once cracking one out on a hotel balcony in Bueno Aires when, just as he was about to let the magma spew, from the balcony of the next room along jumped a masked bloke with pump action shotgun, bulletproof vest and military fatigues. My mate said time stood still for a second when their eyes met, then as his cock exploded the bloke fucked off through my mates hotel room and out into the hotel corridor.

After he'd cleaned himself up he phoned down to reception to ask what the fuck was going on and they informed him that the police had just arrested some drug baron who had been on the run and the bloke on the balcony was a member of a SWAT team.

He got a complimentary massage in the hotel Spa and a free tango lesson.

Another old friend of mine used to dip his cock in warm lard then sprinkle it with a good handful of Trill before releasing his budgie. He claims it drew blood a couple of times but says the good times far outweighed the bad.

[liveseytowers]

haha some funny ones there! My mates done loads of wrong things with burds. Put a baseball bat inside on, a screw driver in another etc. He was shagging one burd and another one of his shags came to the door, barged past him and nicked the other burds shoes lol

My sister once walked in my room when i was at it and i shouted "don't come in, i'm just getting changed" but it was too late as I had a 32" widescreen TV right oposite the door with my fav filth film on