Useless Superpowers

[Nibb]

Slumberjack (a.k.a. Hercu-zzzzzz's)



SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Superhuman strength whilst sleeping.


After awaking from an especially violent dream, the "Slumberjack" finds his bedroom, house and entire zipcode in utter shambles. At least it's a good excuse to forgo post-coital snuggling.

13th Bullet Bulletproof


SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Eventual Kevlar Skin.

Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Boink.

In-flight flight



SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: In-flight flight.

Being able to soar through the air still won't save you from recycled oxygen and endless stories from complete strangers. Known as the "Cabin Sparrow," this so-called power lets you fly, but only within the confines of an airplane. At least you can leapfrog the beverage cart when explosive diarrhea strikes at 30,000 feet.

Complementary Chameleon



SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Complementary Chameleon

The superuseless chameleon assumes the complementary color of his surroundings, thereby rendering him highly un-hard to see. This superpower was inspiration for the failed children’s book franchise titled “There’s Waldo.”

Psychic Amnesia (Mementodamus)



SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Psychic Amnesia (Mementodamus)

This superuseless superhero foresees the future while instantly forgetting anything he has just foreseen. Known in some circles as Untotal Recall.

Achieving 99% Opacity



SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Achieving 99% opacity, a.k.a. The Slightly Invisible Man.

This throwaway power lets you vanish into thin air as long as that thin air is obscured by enough thick air to cover up the other 99% of your completely visible body. Sorry, no dice on landing that plum invisibility role in the sequel to Ghost Dad either.

Ultra Short-range Teleportation



SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Ultra Short-Range Teleportation.

This unamazing power lets you teleport up to one inch away. When done in rapid succession, it gives that old-timey stop action feel. It can also really push your "popping & locking" routine to the next level.


Left-side Levitation



SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Left-side levitation or "Left-itation".

With this amazingly useless power, only half of you can levitate. Which means the other half acts as an anchor. As an added un-bonus, cabs are constantly stopping for you whenever you engage your powers on the street. And as we all know, being yelled at by angry cabbies eventually leads to depress

Lukewarm Touch




SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Lukewarm Touch.

An estranged 3rd cousin of the Midas Touch, the Lukewarm Touch allows its hero to touch any temperature liquid and turn it to room temperature. Perhaps somewhat useful if captured by cannabalistic pygmies.


Helium Resistance



SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Resistance to helium.

Legend has it that there walks a man with uncanny abilities. After a tragic blimp accident, this man has developed an immunity to Helium. As this man courageously inhales Helium, there is no effect on the timbre of his voice.

http://superuseless.blogspot.com/

[grrrd]

Strange!

[ElWappo]

Odd, I had been thinking about this recently. The most useless super powers I could think of was the ability to smell the future...or taste the past. Take your pick budding capes!