Last night I dreamt about a red octagon, with the word “STOP” emblazoned across it in white.

I think it’s a sign.

A travelling salesman knocks on the door and a little 6 year old boy answers. The kid is wearing a robe, holding a martini, and smoking a cigar.

The salesman looks down at the boy and asks, “Son, are your parents home?”

The boy says to the salesman, “What do you fucking think?”

My wife stood naked in front of the mirror this morning and said "Look at me - my tits are sagging, my stomach's fat, my arse is huge. Can you compliment me on something?"
I said "There's nothing wrong with your eyesight".

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Newcastle Uniteds ''STARS'' have started leaving the club, Michael Owen is going to Celtic, Mark Viduka to Stevenage Borough and Obefemi Martins is picking me up in 10 minutes in his taxi.

What have Newcastle and Sunderland got in common?

Nothing any more.

What have Newcastle United and Roy 'Chubby' Brown got in common?

They will both be playing Blackpool next year.

If you counted the exact number of steps it takes to get from your bed to your bathroom, multiplied it by the least number of floor tiles you have to step on to get to your kitchen, subtracted the number of seconds it takes to pour a glass of milk as slow as possible and then divided it all by the number of Shreddies you can fit on top of the fridge, you would probably find out that...you have O.C.D.