Have you heard about that new film about the tractor?
I just saw the trailer.
What's blue and square?
An orange in disguise.
I think blow up dolls are great. I mean, where else are you going to find a woman that always looks shocked to see the size of your bell end?
A quarter of over 50's are failing to save.
It's CTRL & S. You old fucks.
My dog kept getting up in the middle of the night and setting the house alarm off. My wife told me to disable it, so I broke its legs with a golf club.
I saw this really fit girl in the nightclub last night and she was wearing a chessboard patterned shirt.....
So, I made a move on her.
Jesus once said, "Love thy neighbour."
He didn't live on a fucking council estate.
..................................................................... where's pacman when you need him?
The Beatles have reformed and have brought out a new album...
It's mostly drum and bass.
A farmer in Devon has successfully grown a field of dildos.
Unfortunately he's having some trouble with squatters.
Instead of giving me a handjob, my girlfriend tried using her keyring...
I felt like I was being fobbed off.
How come "I'm sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing, except if you say them at a funeral?
After several high-powered automatic weapons were stolen during a break-in at a gunsmiths premises, the American police stated, "We are concerned that these weapons might fall into the hands of criminals!"
Good job the guys who stole them didn't fall into that category then eh?
How good would wanking be if you had a hand fetish?
There was an unbelievably close finish in this years "Shemale of the year" contest.
It was a Thai.
A chicken walks up to a duck stood at the side of the road and says, "Don't do it, mate - you'll never hear the end of it."
I've been addicted to Viagra lately.
It's been the hardest three weeks of my life.
A man goes home to his wife and shows her his latest tattoo of a spreadsheet on his chest.
"You've really Excelled yourself this time!" she says.
I thought of a brilliant joke earlier whilst at work, I rushed up to my mate on the third floor, told him it and he fell about laughing. So I told it to my other mate on the fourth floor, my girlfriend on the seventh and my boss on the eleventh and got the same resulting hilarity.
I'm telling you, that joke worked on so many levels.
What's yellow and blue with a really tight cunt at one end?
An Aldi bag.
You know you're getting old when instead of 'tripping over', you have 'a terrible fall'.
What's the difference between a gynaecologist and a genealogist ?
A genealogist looks up the family tree and a gynaecologist looks up the family bush.
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