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  1. #1
    DF VIP Member trippie's Avatar
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    Default the world's funniest joke

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

    He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

  2. #2
    DF Rookie wertigo's Avatar
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    Heh, not too bad...I got a couple of jokes too if you're interested...

  3. #3
    DF Rookie Dubya's Avatar
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    Bandit was a male pr0stitute, but he didn't want his grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of pr0stitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Bandit was among them.
    The police took them outside and had all the pr0stitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Bandit's grandma came by and saw his grandson. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

    Not willing to let his grandmother know the truth, Bandit told his grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and he was just lining up
    for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself", and she proceeded to the back of the line.

    A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the pr0stitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?

    " Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry." The policeman fainted...

  4. #4
    DF Rookie wertigo's Avatar
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    The Pope was going to the US on an important meeting, but his airplane was delayed, so when he got to the airport in the US no one was there to meet him since they thought he wouldn't show up. Already late, the Pope took a regular cab and told the cabdriver to step on it.

    After a few minutes they got caught in a massive trafficline on the freeway. Minutes later they haven't moved an inch, but next to the freeway is an emergencylane for ambulance, police and such, so the Pope asked the taxidriver if he couldn't drive on the emergencylane. The driver told him no, because if they got caught he would lose his job.

    A few minutes later they still haven't moved an inch, and the Pope asked the driver again if they could drive on the emergencylane. Again the driver said no, that he couldn't afford to lose his job and that he has a wife and children. The Pope did some thinking and said to the taxidriver that if they would switch seats, so the Pope would drive and the taxidriver would sit in the backseat, then he couldn't get fired. The taxidriver thought for a moment, and then agreed, so they switched seats.

    The Pope drove out on the emergencylane, and after a few seconds a policecar pulled them over. The policeman walked out of his car and over to the cab, and asked the driver to pull down his window. He looked at the Pope in the frontseat and at the taxidriver in the backseat. Without a word he walked back to his policecar and called up the central on his policeradio.

    [Police]: Hello, I just pulled someone over for driving in the emergencylane, but I'm not sure what to do.

    [Central]: What do you mean? It's dangerous to drive in the emergencylane, you have to arrest the driver!

    [Police]: Well, I don't know, it's a pretty important person that I've pulled over...

    [Central]: Well, who is it...? The Police Chief?

    [Police]: No, no...much more important than that...

    [Central]: Is it the Mayor?

    [Police]: No, no...much more important than that

    [Central]: Well, is it the Goveneur?

    [Police]: No, no...much more important than that

    [Central]: (After a few seconds) ...is it the President...?

    [Police]: No, no...much more important than that

    [Central]: But who the hell is it then?? Who is so damn important so they can drive in the emergencylane?!

    [Police]: Well, I don't really know, but the Pope is the chauffeur.

  5. #5
    DF Rookie Geefer's Avatar
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    HAHAHAH

    Keep these jokes coming man
    It's a nice releif from the normal crap on these boards, and they're actually all funny

    -Geef

  6. #6
    DF Probation acidrock69's Avatar
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    Default Re: the world's funniest joke

    Originally posted by trippie
    the world's funniest joke
    Dubya

  7. #7
    DF MaSter Bandit600's Avatar
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    Dubya threw the last piece of magic dust that he had been feeding the fairy's at the bottom of his garden, and turned to walk away, a UFO flew over the top of his perculiar, unexplained pyramid house. With sweat pouring down him he ran through his house, saying good morning to the yeti and tom the ghost, and flew out of a window in hot pursuit of the ulimimnanti UFO with the freemasons logo on the side, once he caught up with the UFO he brought it down with one blast of lazers from his eyes. The saucer shaped UFO lay burning on the floor and dubya landed and waited, all of a sudden a SHHHHHHHHHHHHH noise came from the object and two reptilian aliens and david icke come coughing out the door that had now apeared.

    One of the reptilian aliens lifted his head and said "if wasnt for you meddling kids" and died, david icke said "thank you dubya, you have saved humanity and the universe"

    THE END

  8. #8
    DF Member Rudder's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Bandit600
    Dubya threw the last piece of magic dust that he had been feeding the fairy's at the bottom of his garden, and turned to walk away, a UFO flew over the top of his perculiar, unexplained pyramid house. With sweat pouring down him he ran through his house, saying good morning to the yeti and tom the ghost, and flew out of a window in hot pursuit of the ulimimnanti UFO with the freemasons logo on the side, once he caught up with the UFO he brought it down with one blast of lazers from his eyes. The saucer shaped UFO lay burning on the floor and dubya landed and waited, all of a sudden a SHHHHHHHHHHHHH noise came from the object and two reptilian aliens and david icke come coughing out the door that had now apeared.

    One of the reptilian aliens lifted his head and said "if wasnt for you meddling kids" and died, david icke said "thank you dubya, you have saved humanity and the universe"

    THE END

    uhhhhh, you lost me dude...


    Here's a Joke for ya:
    Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

    The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot." he said. "An ambulance just drove by."

    A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt is riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

    Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

    "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

  9. #9
    DF MaSter Bandit600's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Rudder



    uhhhhh, you lost me dude...


    Here's a Joke for ya:
    Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

    The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot." he said. "An ambulance just drove by."

    A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt is riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

    Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

    "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
    Domt worry it was aimed at DUBYA anyway, and if you read any of his posts then you would see the joke.

    Anyway heres a proper joke.

    An englishmen moves to canada to start a new life, a few weeks down the line hes sitting in a bar, wondering if he made the right choice when a pick up pulls up loaded up with dead bears. Some red neck types walk into the bar, one of them looks over to him and say's " hey, your the new guy around here, how are you finding things?" The english responds "well its very nice place, very peacfull but to be honest Im a bit bored" The red neck responds "well your right theres not really much to do, but you should try some bear hunting, just across the road is a gun shop why dont you get yourself a gun and try it". The english goes into thought for a minuite and say " yeah why not".

    The next day the red necks come back into the bar and see the englishmen looking rather pale and dishelved and says to him " WOW what the hell happend to you, did you get a bear" the englishman responds "well I as you said bought a rifle, went into wilderness and waited, the biggest bear I had seen walked right into my site's, I shoot! but when I looked again the damned bear wasnt there" the redneck nodded his head and the englishman continued " about 2 minuites later I felt a tapping on my shoulder and the bear was standing right behind me and he said to me You look new here, so im going to give you the rules, if you fail to shoot me you get to options, option one is that I rip your head and option two is that Punish you by fucking you in the arse" The redneck face drop and he said " so i gahter you took option two" the english man says "yeah" the canadian says in response "tommorrow go and get a machine gun and blast that son of a bitch to hell" the english say "yeah, fuckit im gonna nail that bastard bear".

    The next day the englishman is sitting in the bushes when he see's the same bear again zooms in on the bear and opens fire, when the dust settles he discovers that he again has missed. Sure enougha couple of minuites later the bear is standing behind him but this time time with hes friend and says " Ok you know the rules, but this time its two of us whats it to be?".

    That evening the englishman is recolecting the days events to the redneck in the bar, the redneck says" That son of a bitch, tell you what heres some money to get an elephant gun, blow the bastards head all over the tress" the english says "yeah thanks im really gonner get that mother fucker this time".

    The next day the englishmen is sitting in the bushes gun in hand waiting to blow the shit out of the bear when sure enough he see's him, aims the gun BANG and misses. Two minuites later he feels a tapping on the shoulder and sure enough the bear is there behind him but with two of his mates the bear says laughing "Ive worked you out, you aint come here for the shooting"

  10. #10
    DF Member Phero.1's Avatar
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    Wertigo and Bandit:
    Great jokes guys!
    Will try to remember those two.

    Ok too late....argh.

  11. #11
    DF MaSter Jotaro's Avatar
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    A 75 year-old man marries a 19 year old girl. One day he goes to see his doctor and tells him that his wife is pregnant.

    DOCTOR:Well, imagine this: imagine a lion hunter in africa who goes chasing lions with his umbrella. After a few minutes, he sees the biggest lion he has ever seen. The lion roars and runs after him. The hunter fires up his umbrella and BANG! The lion collapses and dies.

    OLD MAN:This is impossible. Someone else must had shoot the lion.

    DOCTOR:Exactly.



    A 94 year-old man and a 91 year-old woman have been married together for 70 years. They want to divorce and go to see a mediator who tries in every possible way to convince them not to break up and waste this long union. After 30 minutes the mediator gives up and asks them a final question.

    MEDIATOR:Jesus, you've been married together for seventy years! Why did you wait so long to divorce!

    OLD WOMAN:Well, we couldn't stand each other fifty years ago. To avoid causing emotion to our children, we just wanted to let them die before divorcing.

  12. #12
    DF Member z0nk's Avatar
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    A little blind girl goes up to her mom and says, "Mommy, mommy, when will I be able to see?"
    Her mom replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the doctor on the 31st and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see the next morning."
    So off they went to the doctor, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.

    The following morning the little girl stumbled into her moms bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mommy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
    So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mommy, I still can't see."
    To which the mother replied, "April fools!"

  13. #13
    DF MaSter Pro_Gamer's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Geefer
    It's a nice releif from the normal crap on these boards...
    Humph. The first two jokes were funny. The last one is not a joe, but a cruelty i reckon.

    Anyways, here is one from me:

    A man is speeding on a highway. A policeman pulls him over. The policeman:

    Policeman: May i see you license?
    Driver: I dont have a license.
    Policeman: What? Then may I see your cars registration.
    Driver: I dont own this car. But Ive got the owners files...
    Policeman: What?!? You dont own this car?
    Driver: Thats right. But the original documents for this car are here alongside my gun.
    Policeman: WHAT? Youve got a gun in this car?
    Driver: Yep. Its the gun I used to shoot the woman in the boot.
    Policeman: WHAT?!? Youve got a murdered woman in the boot?
    Driver: Sure.
    Policeman: Please wait a second.

    (Goes and calls headquarters and reports everything.)
    (BTW, just bear with this. Youll understand at the end.)

    Captain: May I see your license?
    Driver: Sure, here it is.
    Captain: What? Ok. May I see your car registration?
    Driver: Sure. Here are the papers.
    Captain: WHAT?! Do you have a gun?
    Driver: No.
    Captain: Can you please open the boot?
    Driver: Sure.

    (there is no dead woman in the boot)

    Captain: Im sorry. The policeman who caught you reported to me that you didnt own this car, didnt have a license, that you had a hand gun and that youd used it to murder a woman who was in your back boot.

    Driver: Ummm... yeah, right. Im sure he told you I was speeding too.



    (he didnt have to pay a fine.)

  14. #14
    DF Probation p i m p's Avatar
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    what the fuck is a boot

  15. #15
    DF MaSter Pro_Gamer's Avatar
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    Originally posted by TheVirus
    worst joke ever.
    Could'nt agree more, my brother wrote it. Since he does'nt have an account so he just used my one.

  16. #16
    DF Member nintendo's's Avatar
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    ok here is my daily joke.....

    a naked man walks into his doctor's office wearing only a under-wear made of plastic saran wrap .....


    the doctor replies ...." well... i can clearly see your nuts ...."

  17. #17
    DF Rookie adam1's Avatar
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    What the original poster didn't really make clear is that, that IS supposed to be the funniest joke in the world. Some doctor or philosopher or something apparantly spent 1 yr doing research and conducting polls and somehow mathmatically came to the conclusion that this hunter joke is the funniest joke in the world. Pretty ridiculous considering that it really isn't very funny at all.

    With that said...

    There was a couple and one day the girl said to the guy, honey I'm leaving you, I think you're a ped0phile. The man replied, "Ooooh that's a big word for a 10 year old."

  18. #18
    DF Rookie CaŽnage's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Pro_Gamer


    Could'nt agree more, my brother wrote it. Since he does'nt have an account so he just used my one.
    That's bullcrap,
    you're just not phunney

  19. #19
    DF Rookie flash67's Avatar
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    Default Re: the world's funniest joke

    Originally posted by trippie
    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

    He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
    Ahhhh i saw that on CNN last night, pretty funny though

  20. #20
    DF MaSter louis-123's Avatar
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    Originally posted by adam

    There was a couple and one day the girl said to the guy, honey I'm leaving you, I think you're a ped0phile. The man replied, "Ooooh that's a big word for a 10 year old."
    hahahahahaah
    thats funny

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