Depression
Guys and girls.
I'm not absolutely certain this is a good idea, but I'm going to anyway.
I suffer fairly regular bouts of severe depression, I seem to be just coming out of a bout which was particularly bad and I want to share it just incase it can help someone else. It is getting worse each time now, as I get older and has been happening since I was around 17-19. I'm now 42. On this occasion, like others, there is no real reason to get down. I have a son who puts a pulse in my veins and a girlfriend of 23 years (though it does seem odd to call her a girlfriend after these years) who truly is every beat of my heart. Trouble is that even with this I get so down that unless you experience it, you'd never really "get it". On two occasions this time I got very seriously close to the edge. So close that I was more than just scared because the feeling just envelops your whole self and you just can't stop it. I don't understand why that feeling stopped when it did and it's such a cliche to say it, but even in the most crowded room you are totally alone.
It has occurred to me that I'm not the only person this happens to. If it sounds fanmiliar to you, or if you know someone who you think may get this way I'll tell you how it goes for me and if it helps then pleae bear it in mind.
The first bit I notice is that I get upset at things like the news, anything bad I take personally and have a huge desire to put right even if I know damn well I can't. Then I get pissed off with anything at all, a bit more than irritable but not quite angry. After that the lonely feeling kicks in, I can be at home with the two most important people in my life next to me and participate in a chat or play games or even have a chat a laugh about allsorts but the second my mkind is free I'm suddenly down. Very, very down. The week or two from there really is a blur, I don't really notice things or think about anything as my mind seems too full of a feeling of total loss, almost as if I'm mourning my own death, and I know that doesn't make sense.The worst bit for me was walking around on my days off. Because they are often weekdays I'm pottering about alone with very few things going on in my head. When it's this bad I look at simple things in a totally different way. Whe you look at, say, a tree you see a tree right? I see something where I wonder what sort of person would find a body hanging from it. If you go over a motorway bridge it's just a bbridge, to me I have to wonder what the effect on somone dropping onto a car or wagon would have on the driver. I've even timed it to see whn I'd need to fall to get the best impact. All the time this is in my head, the fact that I am so lucky to have amazing people in my life doesn't occur to me, it's not that they're not relevant, it's almost as if my mind doesn't want a positive distraction.
Then, and not until a few weeks of this have gone ( I think the really bad bits are usually around 5 or 6 weeks) I wake up one day, still down but not anywhere near as bad as it was and yet again, there's no reason for it. Slowly it gets better by the day. I'm now at a point where I make sure I tell Mrs wijit that I love her every day, many times. I have always told my son that every day because that is right. I know that makes me a hypocrite for not granting this amazing woman in my life the same courtesy, but that's just the unreasonableness of the situation. I think this time the difference is that I did get so very close to becoming a statistic that I'm making sure that the people who are important to me know it. I know it will come back, and I know it is going to get worse each time and, consequently I don't know what will happen then. I'll just have to try hard I guess.
One thing I didn't do throughout the whole thing was to allow a proper conversation.
If you feel something similar is happening, and I'm by no means an expert as we are all different, but if you do then please, please talk. Let someone talk to you about anything. If there is someone you love close by let them know you're getting down. Ask them to hold you and talk. If this reads like someone you know, then you do the talking. It doesn't have to be about the bad bits, ask questions. If they are a football head ask about certain players, or games. Just do something to occupy their mind.
Now, I know how it is with us chaps. We don't talk, but we do! We talk football, politics...for fucks sake we are capable of running a football team better than fergie! We can manage the economy better than any politician and we're also experts at DIY,cars, beers, fashion and the need for plastic sugery in women! There are distractions available and one of them could just be the one to stop someone getting to that "tree moment".
I think I've probably over-made the point I was aiming at. I hope you don't mind me posting this, I just got so scared this time that it was over, and coming out the other end I just feel that other people may be in the same position and yet, they don't have to be. I've not read through what I've written, because I always think these things just look like somneone wallwoing in self-pity even if the fact is different, so I'll apologise for any typo's or bad grammar. It goes without saying that if anyone doesn feel lost I am only at the end of a pm, or if you think I can offer any words at all which may help you or someone you know I'm only here. Please don't think bad of me for posting this, I genuinely don't want anyone to get to the point I was, and probably will be again.
Reply With Quote
i guess we all feel it to different degrees mate
Originally Posted by wijit
Social Networking Bookmarks