Boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for the first time. The proud Dad says 'I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have to wait until next pay day" the boy replies 'that's alright Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it anyway'

Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night. They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.

What is the medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris?
The wife.

Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, 'How dare you call me a slapper, get out of my bed right now and take your fucking mates with you'

I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady dropped dead in front of me, I felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a Bag for Life.

Teacher says to little Tommy 'Why weren't you at school yesterday?'
Tommy says 'My grandfather got burnt' Teacher says 'Badly?' Little Tommy says ' Yes, they don't fuck about at the crematorium.'

A friend of mine says he is making love to twins, I said ' How can you tell the difference?' He said ' Her brother has got a moustache".

Hubby has ' I love you' tattooed on his penis, and goes home to show his wife, she says 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth'

A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted 'He's behind you!'