Diary of an Inexperienced Curry Taster named Paul, who was visiting Bombay,
India from Abingdon, Oxfordshire, UK.

Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon
when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (a couple of
locals) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy,
and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I

Here are the scorecards from the event:
Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Paul: Holy shit!! What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway.
It took me two beers to put the flames out.I hope that's the worst one.
These Indian fellows are


Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Paul: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to
taste besides pain.
I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre.
They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face. I had an expression like a cow
sucking piss off a thistle.


Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn Curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers

Paul: Call Sellafield, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Domestos.
Everyone knows the routine by now, getting me more beer before I ignite. The
barmaid pounded me on the
back; now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I'm now getting
shit-faced from all the beer.

Curry # 4: Babu's Black Magic Bean Blaster

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a curry.

Paul: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds?
Jaswinder, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 320
lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Paul: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes.
I farted and four people behind me needed hospital treatment from 3rd degree
burns. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Jaswinder
saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on to it from
a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that
the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Phone the White
House and tell them you've discovered a stockpile of napalm.


Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Paul: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous and
dangerously explosive methane building up. I
have sulphuric flames leaping from my arsehole. My rusty sheriffs badge
feels like it's been rogered with red hot poker and I've just shit
myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one
seems inclined to stand behind me and I can't feel my lips anymore. I need
to wipe my ass with a snow cone! I think if I sit on the toilet now, my
arsehole will go down for a drink of water.
Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry
peppers at the last moment.
should note that I am worried about Judge number 3. He appears to be in a
bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably, frothing at the mouth and nostrils and his trousers
appear soiled with what appears to be a smoking gravy.

Paul: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel
a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
curry which slid unnoticed from my mouth. I'm dribbling acid that
has eaten my beard away and now feels like it's eating my skin away with it.
My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least
during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 2 inch hole this stuff has
eaten in my stomach.

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Wonder how he'd have
reacted to a really hot curry?