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Thread: from the boss

  1. #1
    ABCMan
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    from the boss

    As a result of the reduction of money budgeted
    for the Department areas, we are forced to cut
    our number of personnel.

    Under the new plan, older employees will be
    asked to accept early retirement, thus
    permitting the retention of younger people who
    represent our future plans.

    Therefore, a program to phase out older
    personnel by the end of the current fiscal year,
    via retirement, will be placed in effect
    immediately. The program will be known as
    R.A.P.E.
    (Retire Aged Personnel Early).

    Employees who are R.A.P.E.D. will be given the
    opportunity to look for other employment
    outside the company. Provided they are being
    R.A.P.E.D., they can request a review of the
    employment records before actual retirement
    takes place. This phase of the operation will
    be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities
    of Retired Early Workers).

    All employees who have been R.A.P.E.D. or
    S.C.R.E.W.E.D. may file an appeal with upper
    management. This will be called S.H.A.F.T.
    (Study by Higher Authority Following
    Termination). Under the terms of the new
    policies, employees may be R.A.P.E.D. once,
    S.C.R.E.W.E.D. twice, but may be S.H.A.F.T.E.D.
    as many times as the company deems appropriate.

    If any employee follows the above procedure, he
    or she will be entitled to get H.E.R.P.E.S.
    (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early
    Severance). As H.E.R.P.E.S. is considered a
    benefit plan. any employee who has received
    H.E.R.P.E.S. will no longer be R.A.P.E.D. or
    S.C.R.E.W.E.D. by the company.

    Management wishes to assure younger employees
    who remain on board that the company will
    continue its policy to ensure that employees are
    well trained through our Special High Intensity
    Training (S.H.I.T.) program.

    The company takes pride in the amount of S.H.I.T.
    our employees receive. We have given our
    employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company
    in this area. If any employee feels he or she
    does not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see
    your immediate supervisor, for your supervisor
    is especially trained to make sure you recieve
    all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

    The Management

  2. #2
    ABCMan
    Guest ABCMan's Avatar

    Default

    i know it should have been in jokes, but somehow at the moment this seemed to be more fitting

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