some funnies

[furrry]

some funnies sent via txt sorry if any posted b4

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Drums.
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I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.
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The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death………….
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Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
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Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."
"No chance" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
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I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p* nis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"
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I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
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Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p* nis enlarger.
Just opened it and some b * stard's sent me a magnifying glass!
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I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
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My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.
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An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden?
she says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too.
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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening…..
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Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.
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I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said “I love you.” She said “is that you or the beer talking?” I replied “It's me talking to the beer”.
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The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
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“Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.”