Fish refusing to be wrapped in the News Of The World Fish and Chips in NoTW paper Fi

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Fish everywhere have withdrawn their support for being wrapped in the News of the World, it emerged last night.



After further allegations that the popular shitrag had hacked into phones of relatives of the war dead, Atlantic Cod were among the first to turn up the two nostril-like apertures at the front of their face at the ‘newspaper’.
They were swiftly followed by other chip shop favourites such as Haddock and Plaice in insisting that the paper had ‘gone too far this time’.
The news will come as a blow for the NOTW, already reeling after a majority of the public said they would no longer be using the newspaper to remove faeces from their anuses.
Michael, a five year-old sustainable Dover Sole who insisted he only reads it for the tits said, “I’m both shocked and appalled by what I’ve read.”
“When the time comes, as it inevitably will, I’d prefer to be wrapped in a more upmarket newspaper such as The Independent or Guardian.”
“I particularly enjoy Johan Hari’s opinion pieces or at least I did right up until the middle of last week.”


Fish boycott NoTW

And Nigel, a mature haddock who would prefer to be served with tartar sauce and a slice of lemon said, “I used to read it for the both the sport and the tits but after the whole Milly Dowler thing I wouldn’t be seen dead in it.”
However, a small shoal of North Sea pollock were last night holding out until the results of a full public enquiry into the matter are published.
A spokesfish for the group, who are cautious by nature and don’t like immigrants very much said, “We refuse to be battered into submission.”

http://newsthump.com/2011/07/07/fish...-of-the-world/

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Al Qaeda issues News Of The World condemnation



Al Qaeda have issued a formal condemnation of the News Of The World, insisting that deleting the voicemails of a recently murdered schoolgirl in the hope of hearing a few more grief-stricken messages is just ‘too much’.



The Rupert Murdoch owned newspaper is accused of hacking Milly Dowler’s phone in the hope of securing a juicy titbit for use in their tawdry rag, a move which gave false hope to her parents whilst the search was ongoing.
The Al Qaeda statement read, “Even as an organisation that dedicates itself solely to the destruction of the Western way of life, we recognise there are some things you just don’t do. This is one of them.”
“The fact that there are two and half million godless infidels that pay money for this disgusting filth is doing wonders for our recruitment drive, so thanks for that.”
“And when sales remain high on Sunday, despite this sickening revelation, everyone will realise that all hope for your civilisation is gone, and we will see applications from the home counties to go through the roof.”


News Of the World scumbags

The government has admitted this latest set-back is making it increasingly difficult for them to give Rupert Murdoch full control of BSkyB without looking like the impotent puppets they so clearly are.
A Whitehall insider said, “What we really need is some form of plausible deniability on Murdoch’s part, even if it’s not very plausible at all – then we can go ahead with our plans give him anything he wants.”
“I mean, if he tells us that he had no idea this sort of thing was encouraged at a newspaper at which he maintained full control, then we have no reason not to believe him, right?”
“Just look at him, who wouldn’t trust that face?”

http://newsthump.com/2011/07/05/al-q...-condemnation/

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Murdoch agrees to get rid of thing that loses money for thing that makes money



Rupert Mudoch is today pretending to be upset that the government has made him agree to get rid of loss-making Sky News in order to take complete ownership of profit-making BSkyB.



A stipulation of his BskyB take-over was that he could no longer retain ownership of his expensive propaganda production entity, Sky News.
Upon announcement of the news Murdoch himself told reporters, “Oh no, woe is me. I simply can not believe how powerful your government is.”
“They said I had to get rid of this loss-making bit of my business before I buy this bit that makes lots of money. It’s just so unfair!”
“I’ve been really screwed over here, so you should all be very, very impressed with people like David Cameron because he is so good at his job that he can easily make me do things I don’t want to do. Oh yes.”

Murdoch BSkyB take-over approved

Though already facing criticism for allowing the take-over to proceed, Whitehall insiders are insisting that Murdoch has paid a suitable price to take over BSkyB.
A government source said, “We felt the only way of making this take-over fair, was to ensure he had to get rid of a bit of his company that was losing money.”
“We hit him where it hurts, in the pocket. By filling them way beyond the point of comfort.”
Murdoch also revealed that once BSkyB is his, he will move ahead with his controversial plan to complete his takeover of Culture secretary Jeremy Hunt.

http://newsthump.com/2011/03/03/murd...t-makes-money/