What's the stupidest thing you've done pissed?

[Over Carl]

I couldn't decide between two similar stories so I'll put them both down.

1st - Had just come back from 1st term at uni and went for an xmas eve drink up with a load of school mates. Left the pub to find public transport had finished and cabs were all saying 1-2hrs if they would take a booking so I thought I would walk 7 or so miles home. Also accidentally pocketed a mate's mobile for some unknown reason.

Did the bulk of the journey when I realised I could cut out about half a mile by cutting through some fields. What I didn't realise was that in the middle of winter, there was loads of sitting water in a load of ditches I had to cross. By some miracle I managed to cross them over some fallen trees, although I managed to drop my mate's phone while doing so.

Anyway got through half the field when I got to the M4. For some bizarre reason, rather than crossing it I decided to turn left and carry on walking. I went for about 2-3 miles down and managed to get to near 1000 Great West Road. Fuck knows how I wasn't knocked down by anything. There a helpful cabbie saw my feet were covered in mud and I was covered in brambles and stuff and offered to drop me home - I'm guessing he thought I was a tramp and wanted to do a good deed for xmas. I told him I needed to get to the petrol station right by my road as I thought he would know the landmark. When we got there, he looked stunned when I pulled a tenner out of my pocket and gave it to him (going rate for that fare at the time was about 6 quid).

The other one was around 2 years ago - got pissed at a mate's place and was walking to get a night bus. Walked past the train station and saw last train was about to come so thought I would use that to the next stop rather than catch the bus. Ended up asleep at the end of the line (slough) about 15 miles away from home.

This time I was so pissed none of the cabbies would have me so I thought I would just walk it back home. The only way I knew was via the M4 so I started to make my way.

I managed to get a few junctions down till I came to the junction between the M4 and M25. Looking at the junction ahead of me I was bricking it as I coudn't figure out what I was supposed to do. Had a quick look at a map on my mobile and decided there was no way I was crossing that junction alive so I started to call some cabs. Problem is it's against the law to pick up a passenger from the hard shoulder so none would come round.

I then had to walk back to the previous junction and by this time I had sobered enough to catch an expensive cab back home.

[macmilm]

Done a lot of these so may have to make multiple posts as I remember them.....

Remember when I still lived up north (bradford).. gettin my knob and bollox out on one a bridge overpass on one of the major dual carriage ways and pissing all over the on coming traffic ,
and then later waking up in a skip full of broken glass behind a massive glass company (sologlas) bein laughed at by all the nightworkers before falling in lots of mud and then dont remember anythin till morning lol

[macmilm]

Bit pissed now actually :-)

[consoles]

I've prob shit loads of tales but cant rem shit if I've been that pissed.

[macmilm]

Was once so pissed at my own house party that when I was annoyed the booze was running dry and a "friend" passed me a bottle of Extra Virgin saying it was a beer I downed most of it b4 realising...
CUNT

[DavidF]

Staying at my Aunts house when I had been out clubbing after an all day session....Got up in the middle of the night and shit on the floor outside the bathroom. Fell asleep on a roundabout in Malaga got woken up by the police and got a lift to my apartment. Phoned old bill to report my car "stolen"....also called my mate who I had been out on the lash with only to be informed that my "stolen" car was sitting on his driveway where I had parked it after work that day...Oh how the police loved that.
Tons more but cant remember them right now. If I remember any good funny ones I will post them up.

[Mr Men]

Loads of things

My most recent one is betting £100 on Cardiff to score against huddersfield , I've watched the match which is awful and
In the 90 minute ......Goal


Get in there, another beers required

But one of my all time favs

Is me drinking and eating a handfuls of 007,s

It was a sat night at a super club in the south, I got fucking minced and by closing I,d been left on a step in the club on my own as I was fucking finished.

I managed to get home in a taxi but was comming down and had the major fucking Horn back then there was mobile phones but not like we are like now

Anyway I've got home still living at my mother who is a. Fucking dick, old school


Be home by 2am
be quiet all that bollocks


I had a video and t.v in my room and needed a wank so set up this scene with the volume on very low

Well pressed play and started to aggressively play with cock.....nothing ....way to fucked

So turned the volume up a little to here the screams of pleasure from porno


Happy days cock is now hard I,m tugging like badger from the animals of farthing wood and my mum then turns the light on telling me to turn the t.v down,then shuts the door


She obviously saw me wanking like a Trojan ....... No doubt cock in hand scenario

I was to fucked at the time to care , next day I woke up with the come downs of all come downs and a very cringe worthy image of my mum bollocking me while wanking


Nothing has never been said, thank fuck



,

[Tammer]

I've done loads of really stupid shit when drinking, but the main one that comes to mind is a story from when I was 19.

I was working in a hotel/bar in Aberdeen for the summer during Uni, and after a few months there, all the guys and girls behind the bars decided we would go for a night out. Now there were a few hot girls there that I was dying to see in 'going out' clothes, especially after a few drinks!

As I was living at the hotel at the time, I decided to go for a few warm-up beers before taxi-ing it into town. So, I had 6 pints in about an hour, and then left to go meet the guys in town. I met them and I was already feeling the beer. The girls were sharing a bottle of wine and the guys were on pints. I livened it up by ordering myself a pitcher of Vodka Red Bull and necked it at about pint pace.

*time passes*

I'm sitting outside the concert hall in Aberdeen crying to myself, having a flashback of being a total cunt to one of the girls. I can't remember what I did or said, but it wasn't good. I decide this is a good time to call my mum.

*more time passes*

I'm outside the casino, having been thrown out for some unknown reason. I've also shit myself.

*more time passes*

I get a taxi home, and convince the driver to stop at the 24hr ASDA so I can buy something to eat.

*around 30mins passes*

I'm in the magazine section, having forgotten about the taxi outside. I'm reading an Exchange & Mart, and calling up people offering to buy their hamsters for a bunch of grapes, before calling them a cunt and hanging up. The taxi driver has come in to collect me, and on spotting her, I do a runner, my trousers fall down and I fall down, face first.

I get taken to the bank for money, as the taxi fare is around about £45, which is more than the £3 i have in my pockets.

Go home, sleep it off. The next day I wake up horrified, and after worrying about what's going to happen at work, I finally go, about 20mins late. There's an envelope on the notice board addressed to me. Opening it, I find about £8 in coins. Not really sure what that's for, I go into the bar, say 'Hi' to the girl working (who's there perfectly fine, no hangover etc). She looks really worried and asks if I'm OK, and if I can remember last night. I mumble something about being fine, and turn away. Later on that night she tells me that she took my money as I was trying to smoke the pound coins, and then tossing them into the dancefloor when they wouldn't light. I apologise for everything, but she won't tell me what I did or said to the other girl. She just says I should apologise and we'll leave it at that.

To this day, I don't know what I did. I only had 3 shifts with that girl before she left for another job. She avoided me like the plague.

Well... you did ask

[Mr Men]

I've done loads of really stupid shit when drinking, but the main one that comes to mind is a story from when I was 19.

I was working in a hotel/bar in Aberdeen for the summer during Uni, and after a few months there, all the guys and girls behind the bars decided we would go for a night out. Now there were a few hot girls there that I was dying to see in 'going out' clothes, especially after a few drinks!

As I was living at the hotel at the time, I decided to go for a few warm-up beers before taxi-ing it into town. So, I had 6 pints in about an hour, and then left to go meet the guys in town. I met them and I was already feeling the beer. The girls were sharing a bottle of wine and the guys were on pints. I livened it up by ordering myself a pitcher of Vodka Red Bull and necked it at about pint pace.

*time passes*

I'm sitting outside the concert hall in Aberdeen crying to myself, having a flashback of being a total cunt to one of the girls. I can't remember what I did or said, but it wasn't good. I decide this is a good time to call my mum.

*more time passes*

I'm outside the casino, having been thrown out for some unknown reason. I've also shit myself.

*more time passes*

I get a taxi home, and convince the driver to stop at the 24hr ASDA so I can buy something to eat.

*around 30mins passes*

I'm in the magazine section, having forgotten about the taxi outside. I'm reading an Exchange & Mart, and calling up people offering to buy their hamsters for a bunch of grapes, before calling them a cunt and hanging up. The taxi driver has come in to collect me, and on spotting her, I do a runner, my trousers fall down and I fall down, face first.

I get taken to the bank for money, as the taxi fare is around about £45, which is more than the £3 i have in my pockets.

Go home, sleep it off. The next day I wake up horrified, and after worrying about what's going to happen at work, I finally go, about 20mins late. There's an envelope on the notice board addressed to me. Opening it, I find about £8 in coins. Not really sure what that's for, I go into the bar, say 'Hi' to the girl working (who's there perfectly fine, no hangover etc). She looks really worried and asks if I'm OK, and if I can remember last night. I mumble something about being fine, and turn away. Later on that night she tells me that she took my money as I was trying to smoke the pound coins, and then tossing them into the dancefloor when they wouldn't light. I apologise for everything, but she won't tell me what I did or said to the other girl. She just says I should apologise and we'll leave it at that.

To this day, I don't know what I did. I only had 3 shifts with that girl before she left for another job. She avoided me like the plague.

Well... you did ask

That ain't drink bud, that's Ketamine

[muttleymacclad]

Got married.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[GTI]

I've been teetotal for over 14 years so its mainly ancient stuff.
Probably the stupidest thing I ever did was break into someone elses house and pass out on their sofa. It happened the first day I arrived at my University digs, a nonedescript terrace house in Southsea. My parents dropped me at the house in the early evening and I immediately joined my new housemates to explore the town. We trawled a number of pubs, and I ended up chatting with a girl and lost sight of the guys. As the evening wore on I was getting increasinly inebriated and made the decision to head back home. As I left with my housemates I didn't think to bring my housekeys, so I planned to just knock when I got there.

I arrived at the house, and after ringing the bell and banging on the door I decided to try the back. The problem was that since these were long rows of terrace houses I couldn't quite be sure which house was which from the alley behind the properties. So I counted the houses, plumped for the one I thought was mine and climbed over the fence into the garden. As it was a warm evening, the sash window was slightly ajar. I managed to crawl in, but twisted my ankle upon landing hard on the living room floor. Since I'd only seen the property for all of 5 minutes earlier that evening, I wasn't to know that this was not my house

Fuck it, I thought as I hobbled to the kitchen. I was feeling pretty ravenous so I thought I would fix myself a sandwich from the shopping my mother had thoughtfully provided. Thats funny, the bread, cheese, chicken slices weren't in the fridge but I did find some leftover lasagne.. that'll do. I blitzed it in the microwave and then settled on the sofa to watch some late night golf. The next thing I remember was a 6ft4 bloke in boxers standing over me with a cricket bat demanding to know who the fuck I was. Once he established that I was just a boozed up fresher, he turfed me out without the good kicking that I no doubt deserved.

[WRATH OF BOD]

broke into next doors car cos i lost my house keys,just to sleep the booze off. i have shat on my mates mums door step for shits & giggles, pissed on my mates bed cos the cunt would not give me a smoke, took my mates car to take a tart home but in ran out of fual so i pissed in its tank, fucked my mates wife & daughter(18 years old) in the same night. all in the late 80's .im a good boy now.lol

[BIG-TED]

After an all day session many moons ago, walking back to a mates house past a plastic pig garage, thought it would be a jolly jape to put one on its roof. Well I don't know if it was the extra beer strength or they are generally light, but it went over on to its roof real easy, it hadn't stopped rocking when the local squad car pulled up and asked us to get in the car. luckily for us they were on their way back from mc Donalds so had some snap in the car, while we were waiting for the riot bus to come and take us to the cells (there were five of us and two of them) we munched our way through it. The riot bus never came as it was in the city so We're released and names taken. (at least its think that's what happened) The next morning I woke up on his settee with the oh fuck feeling, w nt to the garage and agreed to pay the damages split 5 ways it was only 60 quid each.

Ted

[Mobileman]

Shit on the stairs as thought it was the toilet used my polo shirt to wipe arse then put it in washer, next morning the hoose was stinking, blamed the dog wasnt until about day or two later after getting the flashbacks i realised what i had done.

on black eye friday got so wankered i farted and shit myself when was at the table in the casino, ran off and had to ditch the boxers in the toilet after wiping about 2lb of shit of my back n arse

[Mystical_2K]

Moved down to surrey for a few months and didnt really know anyone so went out for a pint and ended up drinking with some lads, after a few drinks we moved to a few different pubs etc. and got wankered, ended up back at their place until about 1 oclock, said i was gonna go as i needed be up for work tomorrow and left after refusing a taxi as i had no cash on me, also had no fucking idea where i was and as i had only moved there a week ago i had no clue as to how to get to the place i was renting a room, started walking and trying to figure out where i was, ended up lost in the middle of some load of houses, a gang of about 20 chavs saw me on my phone and started looking at me and pointing, shouting etc. i had a laptop, psp etc. in my bag too so was starting to shit it so started walking quickly

i kept checking behind me and they were following so thought i better leg it, they kept running so i dived over a fence and jumped a few different yards until i got to a roa and thought i had lost them when they came out of an alley down the road and they started to run, their was a car at the light so i ran for it and opened the passenger door, dived into the front seat and just screamed "drive, fuckin go" and fair play to the lad he looked at me, looked at the gang of lads and fucking floored it, i put my seatbelt on and said thanks and told him what had happened, after he told me he was a private taxi driver and that he would drop me off at my place, he also never charged me and wished me well, before he left he gave me a card for his firm and said to ring for a taxi if i needed it and they are top notch

in fairness to him i was late for work one morning and rang the firm, they sent a black FBI range rover that got me their in record time with my own version of oddjob as a driver to boot