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  1. #1
    DF PlaYa MoNkFiSh's Avatar
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    Default Best man Speech - any ideas?

    A week on Tuesday Im best man at my m8`s wedding (he actually works for me thats how we became friends) Im now bricking it at the thought of standing up in front of 100 people and basically making a cock of myself, have any of you any good best man "jokes" or tips Ive read though a few best man speech websites and most of them have been done to death (the handing keys in prank etc etc) - would appreciate any advice!

  2. #2
    Banned BigBrand's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best man Speech - any ideas?

    Talk about the time he thought he got crabs, then move onto the time he first told you about him getting his end away with his mrs, then how he bragged about how fit her mum was.....

    You're allowed to be a cunt.

  3. #3
    Mummy's little soldier I Black Belt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best man Speech - any ideas?

    Couple of pints to take the edge off is a given.
    Insult and piss take without being offensive
    Compliment the bride on how she looks.
    5-10 mins max mate.

    write your speech, then read it out loud and record yourself then listen to it.
    look for where you need pregnant pauses for your audience to absorb and hopefully laugh.
    Finish with a decent toast.

    If your're expected to read the cards from those not present, then I found a quick word with the bride/grooms parents useful, asking which cards are important, then just read those. Nothing worse than standing for 20 minutes reading endless cards out fella.


    Done it 5 times myself and the above has never failed me

    3 Thanks given to I Black Belt

    GTI (27th June 2014), JONNYG (27th June 2014), MoNkFiSh (30th June 2014) 


  4. #4
    DF PwNagE GTI's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best man Speech - any ideas?

    I have my brother's one next year and am planning to rig up a projector with some slides. Fortunately I have enough photos from when he was a dickhead little kid to the fine gentleman he is now, so I can pace it nicely with anecdotes throughout the years.

  5. #5
    DF Jedi Northernbloke's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best man Speech - any ideas?

    I was best man a few years ago for my best mate who's a copper in Scotland - I opened with a joke about how I was really nervous so I'd prepared a few lines in advance and that having snorted them in the toilets I now felt fantastic. - That resulted in a pause of about 10 seconds that felt like minutes before everybody started pissing themselves laughing.

    Google best man's speech and you'll find tons of good stuff to help you prepare one and plenty of gags to nick.

    I also got the bride to put her hand on the table and the groom to put his hand over top of hers and keep it there for the whole speech then told the groom to look down at his hand and remember it would be the last time he ever had the upper hand in the relationship again

    Sent from my Nexus 10 using Tapatalk

  6. #6
    VIP Member CzarJunkie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best man Speech - any ideas?

    Always start with a joke about the mother of the bride coming on to you, then slipping you some soiled undies, which you produce from your inside jacket pocket (a cheap pair of satin tangas with wasabi spread in the gusset) and throw into the face of her husband. After that everything will be plain sailing, enjoy.

    2 Thanks given to CzarJunkie

    DejaVu (1st July 2014), MoNkFiSh (27th June 2014) 


  7. #7
    DF Wh0re Larrylakes's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best man Speech - any ideas?

    Quote Originally Posted by Northernbloke View Post
    I also got the bride to put her hand on the table and the groom to put his hand over top of hers and keep it there for the whole speech then told the groom to look down at his hand and remember it would be the last time he ever had the upper hand in the relationship again
    Sent from my Nexus 10 using Tapatalk
    This is classic. My tips are keep it simple couple of anecdotes about their relationship, how they met, comical nights out. Don't use in jokes, or niche jokes from things like league of gentlemen I've heard these and it's terrible. Remember your the best man everyone is willing you on, so unless your jokes are completely inappropriate you can't fail.

    2 Thanks given to Larrylakes

    MoNkFiSh (30th June 2014), Northernbloke (27th June 2014) 


  8. #8
    DF Jedi blacksheep's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best man Speech - any ideas?

    couple of old stories how they met etc take piss out of mate. don't drink too much (mates tried to get me smashed before doing my last one). Usual sort of jokes like groom is getting lovely wife etc, wife is getting nice dress and bouquet of flowers. One my mate used was asking all the couples to look into each others eyes and then said youre now looking at the person most likely to kill you. Toast at the end to brides parents, grooms parents bridesmaids and obviously the couple. Once you've got all the necessary parts in (the thanks, toasts etc) you don't need to add too much. Don't drag it out and don't speak too quickly. Look around the room - speak to different people.

    If you can get hold of one take a beta blocker ~45 mins before the speech, will calm you right down.

    Thanks to blacksheep

    MoNkFiSh (30th June 2014) 


  9. #9
    Banned Kobe2422's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best man Speech - any ideas?

    U want a best man speech check out this video and share it
    [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]

  10. #10
    DF VIP Member Bald Bouncer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best man Speech - any ideas?

    Quote Originally Posted by Kobe2422 View Post
    U want a best man speech check out this video and share it
    [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]
    Why not fuck off and spam shit some place else it really is crap

  11. #11
    Banned Kobe2422's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best man Speech - any ideas?

    It's not spam man and sorry if I did something wrong I was just
    trying to show u a best man speech on YouTube so settle down fuck bag
    Here's the link to none douchebags

    [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]

  12. #12
    Banned Kobe2422's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best man Speech - any ideas?

    Well idk why it's doing that but go to Youtube and put in "my best man speech/rap!" By Blake mccart u won't be disappointed

  13. #13
    DF PlaYa Mr 250's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best man Speech - any ideas?

    It's shit.

  14. #14
    DF VIP Member Bald Bouncer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best man Speech - any ideas?

    Quote Originally Posted by Kobe2422 View Post
    Well idk why it's doing that but go to Youtube and put in "my best man speech/rap!" By Blake mccart u won't be disappointed
    I am disappointed mainly that one of the staff hasn't banned you spamming cunt

  15. #15
    DF VIP Member
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    Default Re: Best man Speech - any ideas?

    What a C***, all gone now. . .
    If at first you don't succeed.....redefine success. . . .

    [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]

    Thanks to blaggard

    Bald Bouncer (28th June 2014) 


  16. #16
    DF VIP Member
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    Default Re: Best man Speech - any ideas?

    Fuck me, I just looked at it (ish) what a load of total shite!
    If at first you don't succeed.....redefine success. . . .

    [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]

  17. #17
    DF Wh0re tshirt's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best man Speech - any ideas?

    [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]

    Thanks to tshirt

    MoNkFiSh (30th June 2014) 


  18. #18
    DF PlaYa grrrd's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best man Speech - any ideas?

    I did one at Christmas time - I bricked it too!

    1: as said before - everyone is on yourside and want you to succeed, they will laugh at the shittest jokes!
    2: having a set of cards infront of you (post card sized) instead of a sheet of A4 - a sheet of A4 will shake like fuck in your hand and show everyone your nerves where little cards dont show it as much!
    3: ALWAYS compliment the Bride and Bridemades!
    4: Always put a little bit of sentimental toss in it - how happy you are for the two, thanks for a great day blah blah blah
    5: Thank the father of the bride for his speech (normally go before you) - if possible a little ab-lib to what joke he said or simliar
    6: Put a 'risky' joke/comment in to it (not too risky!) which will make everyone gasp but laugh afterwards!
    7: If using a mic dont forget to hold the thing close enough to your mouth and not too close to a speaker (i did this and it was a shit start!)


    You will love it afterwards!

    Thanks to grrrd

    MoNkFiSh (30th June 2014) 


  19. #19
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    Default Re: Best man Speech - any ideas?

    im going to be best man at my mates wedding next august and i am already shitting myself - some great advice above tho so cheers lads!
    You know he grew up as a little shitspark from the old shitflint and then he turned into a shitbonfire and driven by the winds of his monumental ignorance he turned into a raging shitfirestorm. If I get to be married to Barb I'll have total control of Sunnyvale and then I can unleash the shitnami tidal wave that will engulf Ricky and extinguish his shitflames forever. And with any luck he'll drown in the undershit of that wave. Shitwaves.

  20. #20
    DF Jedi cassy34's Avatar
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    Default Re: Best man Speech - any ideas?

    Something that worked really well for me is, assuming you will be reading the speech from printed pages, is to have something printed on the back of those pages that the other guests can see. Can't remember exactly what I used but something along the lines of "This speech is sponsored by Imodium Plus". Just remember what order you're pages will appear to the guests.

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