Motivation / Stress - My Cloud

[sparkzz]

Hello...

Long time since I posted, mainly just enjoy lurking and reading posts..

I have an issue which seems to have started up about a year ago, I call it "My Cloud".. There seems to be a cloud hanging over my head, which isn't always there, but can literally arrive at any given moment (mood related).

A bit of back ground, I was diagnosed by the doctor 16 years ago with having stress issues causing panic attacks, when I went to him with a sickness feeling. This got a lot worse before it got better, and over the past 5 or 6 years seems to be in control in the sense I can leave the house and take part in activities etc.. without having any issues.

I seem to have moved on to a separate phase now, my 40th was a year ago, and I am sure its the mid life crisis causing it, but the cloud that hangs over the top of me, is a feeling I get which I really am not enjoying. This feeling is Dark, very dark.. it kicked off with me losing my temper at one of my daughters and it scared the shit out of me, where I removed myself from the house and went for a drive for 3 hours. I am glad to say that level of anger hasn't returned, however "My cloud" does.

This cloud makes me seriously depressed, tired, mood swings, irritable, lazy....extremely lazy, cant be bothered to finish anything I set out to do... have given up cycling, making videos, going out with mates.. and the worse thing.. I just don't want to be around people at all... last year I had suicidal thoughts, (not that I actually think I could, as I am shit scared of dying)

I cant imagine why this is happening, I have lovely wife, who would literally do anything for me, two fantastic daughters, a great job, my dream car, money in the bank, great supportive friends who have been around since day dot, one person who I tried to explain it to just basically said, "you have nothing to be stressed about"... which in some ways, they were right, so why the heck is this happening!! arrrgggghhhhh

I don't want to go to the doctors as I don't want pills, I don't believe in them.. have been to a therapist years ago, and didn't really feel that worked, admittedly that was before "my cloud" appeared.

Can anyone relate?.. or from my short story pick up on what I need to be doing?

Thanks in advance

Sparkzz