Fingures crossed for not another HOS


FRI JULY 17: Fulham begin Europa League campaign but suffer a hitch at the airport when owner Mohamed Fayed announces he is still looking for his passport.

SUN AUG 9: Community Shield at Wembley — Steven Gerrard claims he is suffering from fatigue after watching it on the telly.

MON AUG 10: Mike Ashley lowers Newcastle asking price to £95million.

TUES AUG 11: Hull unveil new third kit in “Phil Brown Orange.”

MON AUG 31: Transfer deadline day. LMA issues warning to members: If a bloke with a quiet Welsh accent rings and offers £100m for your worst striker, it’s not a hoax, it’s Mark Hughes.

THURS SEP 17: Liverpool defender Glen Johnson returns home to find he has been the victim of the country’s most ironic burglar, who has stolen his toilet seat.

FRI SEP 18: Mike Ashley lowers Newcastle asking price to £75m.

MON SEP21: West Ham midfielder Kieron Dyer announces he will not play again this season.

TUES SEP 22: His team-mate Dean Ashton does likewise.

WEDS SEP 23: Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger fields an embryo in his side’s Carling Cup third-round tie.

SAT OCT 3: Fury erupts as the pools panel accidentally puts down Burnley v Birmingham as a Championship fixture on their coupon. You’re a year too early, lads!

WED OCT 7: Mike Ashley lowers Newcastle asking price to £50m.

SAT OCT 31: It’s Halloween and Man Utd players suddenly realise Carlos Tevez has left the club.

SAT DEC 12: Tottenham boss Harry Redknapp subs Darren Bent during home game with Wolves and replaces him with wife Sandra.

MON DEC 21: Mike Ashley lowers Newcastle asking price to £25m.

SAT DEC 26: Joey Barton ends his drought and finally nets his first arrest of the season.

FRI JAN 1: Transfer window opens and Burnley launch hunt for a new celebrity fan because everybody is fed up with Alastair Campbell.

SAT JAN 2: Holders Chelsea play non-League side in FA Cup third round — Southampton.

SUN JAN 31: Transfer window closes as Madonna makes an unsuccessful last-gasp raid for Emmanuel Eboue.

TUES FEB 16: Mike Ashley lowers Newcastle asking price to £5m.

SAT MAR 13: Liverpool announce 2010-11 will be their year after being held at home by Pompey.

FRI MAR 19: Mike Ashley lowers Newcastle asking price to £2.5m.

SAT APR 3: Chelsea host Man Utd in title decider. Wayne Rooney and Frank Lampard ruled out of World Cup with broken metatarsals. Didier Drogba faces ban for screaming into TV cameras after ref Stuart Attwell refuses to award a goal when ball went out for a corner.

MON APR 19: Danielle Lloyd wins Tottenham’s Players’ Player of the Year Award.

SAT MAY 15: The FA Cup final. Live on Setanta between 12-1pm. For coverage of the match switch to ITV.

SUN MAY 16: Mike Ashley lowers Newcastle asking price to £2.50 with a cuddly Dennis Wise thrown in.